This relationship left me feeling really gross. But I think it's at least partially my fault for not speaking up.

[thedarkestnight]

hi, mainly looking for somewhere safe to process some things. Also possibly get clarification on this situation, or any tips on preventing similar things from happening in the future.
Im pretty sure it was my fault for not communicating clearly enough, and I don't know if this even counts as sexual assault/harassment because barely anything happened. (And I hope it's okay to post this here.)



This occured several months ago, with my first and now-ex partner. They were 18 and I was 17. we had not been together for long, maybe a week or two, at the time of the first incident. She had never dated anybody either. The whole relationship lasted around 2 months.

It was the first time we ever hung out not at school, and we were in my room. I was working on a project on my bed and she was sitting next to me. she started touching around my nipple very slowly, and after a minute or two asked "is this okay?" I said yes, because it wasn't bad necessarily. but I was extremely tense and really wished she'd stop. (In retrospect, this is definitely when I should have said something.)
soon after, they moved to touching my upper leg and did the same thing, touching gently for a while before asking if it was okay. I nodded because again, it wasn't bad. But again I felt incredibly uncomfortable like I just wanted to shake out of my skin and stop being there. I wanted to push her hand off but the touch was so light and gentle I felt like I'd be overreacting somehow- because it's not like what they were doing was violent in any way.
This kept going, until she was rubbing my privates through my pants. at that point I finally realized that "is this okay" actually meant "can I go further" and i started saying "yes, but no further than this" when she asked. Then she would keep doing what she was doing for a minute more before going further anyways. Eventually she tried to kiss me and I physically leaned away. she kept moving towards me until I was against the wall and couldn't go anywhere else. After that I just let it happen.
we didn't go all the way, because I had somewhere I had to be, and I'm very thankful for that. In the car leaving my house, she said I'd given her blue balls.


I feel like it's potentially relevant to mention that prior to (and after) this incident, they had asked me many times to share nude pictures/photos and expose myself on video call, all after I told her I'd had pretty bad experiences sharing that kind of thing in the past. (pressured to share nudes online when I was much younger.) she would ask over and over and act all sad if I kept saying no, so eventually I would do it every time.
One of those times, she apologized after for coercing me. Then told me they'd been sexually assaulted/bullied in the past so they really didn't want to do that to me. I found this very confusing with the way she kept pressuring me to share nudes even after this apology.


After the thing in my bedroom, we hung out one more time. When we got ready for prom together at my house. we were changing together in my room, and they kept making remarks about being excited to see me change. She started touching my chest through my dress a lot, and rubbing against my behind with her pelvis. This time she was still gentle but didn't ask if it was ok. I felt very not okay with what was happening. I really just wanted to get all dressed up for an exciting night with my girlfriend and felt completely unprepared for this. I got out of if it by just getting ready really fast on my own while they were in the bathroom and saying we had to go or we'd be late. She made another joke about my blue balling her in the car.
We didn't hang out again outside of school after this. I was afraid of what might happen.



I don't really think I was raped or sexually assaulted. But I am still extremely uncomfortable thinking about all of it and don't know if I even have any right to be, given that it wasn't that bad.

[Sam W]

Hi thedarkestnight,

It's absolutely okay to talk about all this here, and I want to start by saying that what this person did really wasn't okay, and that I'm sorry your first partner turned out to be someone who behaves this way.

For what it's worth, what you're describing does meet the definition of sexual assault, because it was unwanted sexual contact, and a situation in which your consent was ignored several times; the chasing you when you recoiled from a kiss, the asking if things were okay but not really listening to the answer (too, a respectful partner will ask that BEFORE they start doing an activity), and the pressuring you for nudes all form a pattern of someone who was prioritizing their wants over your consent. Whether or not you want to call it that is entirely up to you and what feels most comfortable and accurate to your own feelings and experiences.

As for how you're feeling about all this, you have every right to bee uncomfortable or upset over how she behaved. For one thing, we get to feel however we want about the things that happen to us. But more than that, you feeling that way is a completely understandable reaction to a partner disrespecting your boundaries and pressuring you to do sexual things. I hear you saying it wasn't that bad compared to what other people go through, but the truth is it's not all that helpful to measure things like assault or coercion against that metric. What happened to you wasn't okay and made you upset; saying that doesn't diminish what happened to someone else, you know?

Is there a way we could best support you around what happened? That could be things like continuing to use this space to process, helping you ask for support from others in your life, etc.

[thedarkestnight]

I don't feel like I need any additional support right now. Just having a place to tell somebody and sort through some of it really helps actually.
It's also good to be told by someone outside my own brain that it's reasonable and okay to feel upset over these things.
Thank you for your reply!

[Sam W]

I'm so glad my reply was helpful! If you end up needing more support down the line, about this or other topics, we're happy to talk with you about them.