Was it "mild assault?"

[hadleycee]

I have been split up with my ex for a couple months now. We were together for only a short time as I had to break up with him because of the intense amounts of emotional abuse which began as soon as the relationship started.

What caused me to end the relationship was started with a trip we took to his hometown where I met his parents for the first time. He knew I wasn’t super into PDA and I’d made it clear before the trip and during that I wasn’t interested in as much physical touch as when we were in our university town. I hadn’t quite noticed at the time but he got pushier than usual. I think I usually went along with all the physical touch and it was maybe just the first times I was less interested.

But all of this culminated in when we were driving around his hometown the night before we left. He drove to this marsh and said it was where they would go skating in high school. I made a joke like “sure that’s all you did here” because it was a dark parking lot just outside of town. I can’t quite recall but I believe he said “Do you want to?” I don’t know what I said but I think it was another uncomfortable joke. At any rate, he read it as a no and drove away.

Ten minutes later he said “I read that wrong didn’t I?” And I kind of felt like maybe that would be something I wanted so I agreed, but there was definitely some hesitance in whatever I said.

So he drove us back and leaned over and tried to kiss me and I started giggling and had to stop. He tried again and I started giggling again. This had never happened to me before and I didn’t know what was going on. The third time he tried to touch my neck and I practically jumped halfway across the car. He ended it there and I don’t believe I really said anything. We just decided to go outside and he didn’t push it for the rest of the night.

He came over a couple days later and we ended up having a full blown four hour fight where he tried to blow past all of the physical boundaries I was putting up. Near the beginning of the fight he told me I couldn’t just pull away continuously when we were “in the middle of something” without saying anything like I did when we were in his hometown. And when I tried to tell him I didn’t know I was uncomfortable with it he told me that my “body language was really turned off” so he tried, and then I laughed and so he tried again, and then I jumped away so he ended it and he was mad at me because I didn’t say anything after we had to end it (he wanted an explanation of what was going on or an “I don’t know why”).

Now, I’ve gone over this a lot. I know that me pulling away was communication and that I never owed him an explanation or even an “I don’t know” in place of an explanation. But when I described this to my friend she called it “mild assault.” I know I felt dumbfounded when he told me to my face that he knew I didn’t want it and kept trying anyways. And I know I wasn’t saying no at the time because I guess I didn’t really feel comfortable saying no to him. But I don’t really know what to make of this. I can’t tell if I’m making a big deal out of something that is more of a misunderstanding.

[Heather]

Hey there, hadleycee. I'm so sorry that you have experienced this, but I am glad that you found us and came here to ask for support.

I don't think you're making a big deal out of nothing. I can't speak to "mild" assault or not, because I don't really think of assault as having grades like that (mild, moderate, severe), so that framework just isn't meaningful for me. If it is for you, by all means, use it, but I do want to tell you, in my words, my take of what happened here.

More than once, you were very clear about your boundaries. More than once, your ex tried to push past them or talk you out of them, and in that fight you had, he even basically said you didn't have a right to even have them anytime you wanted them (which you, as everyone, absolutely do). I think the giggling response you had was a common trauma response (it's a kind of freeze response) because you were not comfortable with what was happening. I think your ex has engaged in a few kinds of sexual coercion, which is absolutely an abuse, whether or not it actually results in any sex. For now and the future, know that if and when we find ourselves in any sexual situation where we feel like it isn't okay to say no, it's usually a clear sign that we're in some kind of coercive situation or relationship.

It sounds to me like you already are clear that this person isn't healthy and isn't someone safe: I don't see any reason to second-guess those obviously good instincts. Can you let yourself stop going over this and try and accept that all our feelings and experiences are right and valid?