(TW cocsa, sa, vent maybe) Sometimes I wonder if I really was a victim

[_dreams_nomnom]

When I was 4, I was abused by two different cousins, one I think was 8 and the other was above 18. The younger was the nephew of the older, and one didn't know that the other did the same to me, and so on. This went on until I was 8-9 and distanced myself of where the abuse happened, my grandma's house that is literally just across the street. I still live in the same place. I only told my parents when I was 11, and nowadays I'm 15, 16 in less than two months.

Sometimes I wonder if it really enters the abuse people talk about. I know they were wrong, I know they shouldn't have touched me that way, but sometimes I think "but I did let them do that. I was saying I liked that, at the time. So was it my fault?" When I was 11, it was hard for me to talk about that. Nowadays, I don't do therapy anymore and I don't know why, I was supposed to. I'm currently waiting to be taken back due to other problems I have.

In the past few days, I noticed that the younger cousin who did what he did to me was back to this street. He's above 18 now, and I already saw him twice, once when I was coming back home in a car with relatives and the second when I was looking out at the window. His grandmother, my aunt, lives just by after the corner. I'm surrounded by that side of the family of where he comes from. Those people do not, in fact, believe on what they did to me. Only my parents. When I was 11, I stayed locked up at home, not only because of the COVID but also because I was genuinely afraid they'd kill me for telling what they did. I was better now, I was going out (I don't study in this city so I leave by 5am to go to school, I don't have to worry about that part) to walk outside and go to the marked. I was better. But in the moment I saw that boy again I was like "oh, okay", but I was scared. Yet sometimes I think "what if they hurt me? What if they say I'm a liar?" There's charges pressed against them, but the process was paused and nobody told me why. I'm afraid they'll say there's no proof of what they did to me, since it's my word against them. I wasn't left with scars although I was hit a few times, I wasn't left with any STD, and there are no witnesses besides the youngest's mother. And she dislikes me as far as I know.

I have received support from some people, my father never speaks of it, but my mother supports me even if sometimes she's too much. She's mentally ill, and has history of symptoms of schizophrenia, although she only will receive treatment in the next few days; she used to yell to my father during fights about what his side of the family did and even has blamed him sometimes, it always makes me uncomfortable. Nowadays I can talk about what happened to me, but I still feel weird. I know I was most likely to be left hypersexual, which I'm trying to find a way to cope with. But sometimes I still wonder, what if the family is right? Or did what my abusers used to say still get to my head? I'm not gonna say exactly what they say because it was some very horrible things.

Note: I'm new to scarleteen, I'm sorry if this was too much. Staff please tell me if I should delete this, if it is possible.

[CaitlinEve]

Hello _dreams_nomnom,

I want to start by apologizing. I am so sorry you went through this situation and are still dealing with the fallout/aftershocks. It seems like this event was traumatic for you. I also want to clarify that just because you've been to therapy and have talked about this with people doesn't mean that how you feel about it now that you've healed some means it didn't happen. You've put in the work to process this violation and just because the wound isn't fresh doesn't mean that the mental scar isn't real or still there. You and your trauma are valid; you're not just a victim, either, you're a survivor.

That being said; how can we help? Would you like resources, a listening ear, or something else we can provide?

P.S.: don't worry about your post being deleted or removed. You weren't unnecessarily graphic and this situation is what this forum is here for.

[_dreams_nomnom]

Hey. Thank you very much for the answer!

If it is okay to ask, do you know any resources on how to handle hypersexuality? I don't believe I am as affected by it as I was one or two years ago, but I still want to find better ways to cope. I have a hard time identifying and understanding feelings, but that must also be part of the chance of me having autism and some other neurodivergencies, so I don't know what I could ask about that.

I feel better just by reading your answer. I haven't talked to anyone about how I actually felt about it, just about what had happened. I never told anyone how I felt about that, and yeah, maybe I need an ear. But you already listened to this, and I'm so thankful for that. Thank you.

[CaitlinEve]

Of course! Scarleteen does not currently have any hypersexuality-centered articles that I can find (though it's something we can work on cultivating in the future!), so here are a few outside hypersexuality resources you may find helpful.

NOCD: Hypersexuality
CAMH: Hypersexuality Resources

And here is a hypersexuality-adjacent Scarleteen article you may also find helpful:
Risky Business

I'm so glad that you found my answer helpful. Please feel free to utilize Scarleteen more in the future, as we're here to provide you with resources and help as much as we can.