Was it Sexual abuse?

[DG52134]

Hi, i'm new to these forums since I saw you all advertised someplace. I honestly really appreciate what you all do, and i wanted to come on here to ask a major question. Was it really assault in my case? I'll elaborate.

While I have been touched inappropriately before briefly in 3rd grade by another, it has made my views a bit confusing as it took me a long time to even process that as well; or even CONSIDER it COCSA.

That isn't what i'm going to be talking about, i've been thinking about this brief moment for a while now and I genuinely cannot tell if it was SA or not.

I used to have a crush on this one boy freshman year in highschool, and he invited me over to his house once to play video games and eat pizza. While that is what we did, his other friend wanted to come over and I was generally fine with it since I didn't want him to get bored. The other guy comes over, i'll call him N. While the guy I had a crush on (A) told me he was weird, I expected him to act nerdy or just very awkward so I dismissed it.

Later on, N and A were in the kitchen while I was on A's laptop to download random games we could all play. N comes into the room, and I don't think much of it until I feel something rubbing against my pants. I freeze, because I'm unsure what to do really until I snap out of it and realize N's been touching me there with a toy samurai sword.

I decided to just up and leave, and I told A what happened but he didn't really do much. Since then, I haven't had contact with either of them but it honestly really begs the question, was it really sexual assault? I felt violated when he did that, especially since it made me remember my prior experience from 3rd grade. For most of my life, this is the reason why I've never really pursued men as often since i'm afraid of it happening again. I really want to know if it is SA, or i'm just overreacting.

Throughout the hangout with N and A, N would briefly make comments about my body at times. I really don't know if that adds anything, but it makes me think he did know what he was doing.

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards!

I'm really sorry you've gone through all that and it's weighing on you heavily. I want to start by making it clear that we (humans) should not be touching anyone without their consent, anywhere, no matter with what or how. It's innappropriate, especially in a dynamic like this one where you were there hanging out with his friend and he did this without permission and without anyone else around.

The definition of sexual assault is simply someone touching you in any way without your permission, because they are trying to either fulfill sexual desire or have power/control over you through sexual contact. That said, the person who is on the receiving end is whose feelings matter when we decide whether this was an assault or not - if you felt sexually assaulted by inappropriate touch in an area that reminded you of a previous assault, then it's valid for you to consider this assault. Perhaps this person's intention wasn't to sexually assault you - I don't know the details (where exactly he touched you with the toy sword, in what way etc) - but that doesn't really matter anyway, because intention and outcome are separate. YOU felt violated by this, regardless of his intentions.

I think the question of whether this was sexual assault or not isn't as important as helping you process this event, as well as what happened to you in 3rd grade, which seems like still needs to be processed as well. So my first question is, have you talked to anyone about either of these situations, and if so was it a mental health professional? Do you have access to one? We can take it from there, but we want to know that as a starting place. <3

[DG52134]

When I was younger, I remember talking about it to either my sister or parents I don't really remember too well who exactly I told. They'd tell me things like, "He probably didn't know any better" or anything which has made it a bit tricky to consider what is or what isn't assault. Cocsa itself makes me confused, not in a way to invalidate others of course but by the things i've been told at a age most vulnerable has made me really think about these situations more and more. Unfortunately, I do not have a therapist or anything of some sort. I do plan to get one, but I don't know where to start. Thank you so much for responding to me, I really appreciate everything you have to say.

[Jacob]

Hey DG!

Picking up on where Sofi left off, I'm not surprised COCSA feels confusing - it can be a confusing area, especially when it's filtered through so many folks talking about it and making sweeping statements about what are often very individual experiences, which is the actual place we should be starting from.

What do you think about Sofi's suggestion of separating the hypothetical definition anyone else might have of his actions, from your understanding of your actual feelings?

It sounds like you were touched without your consent, and it sounds like there was some certainly an intent to annoy you, and to make you feel uncomfortable by crossing your boundaries, and in general the vibes as you remember them felt off, and you know that in a way that nobody else ever can. One of the hardest things to do in uncomfortable situations is to listen to your gut, and you're listening now to what your gut was telling you then.

You're now dealing with those feelings the best you can, and you're allowed to seek help around how that feels. It doesn't need to meet anyone else's definition for those feelings to be important or for them to matter. They matter regardless. If it helps you to say "this was assault", or any other choice of words that feel true to your feelings, then please claim those words as a way of starting to care for yourself. If however, if the whole question feels like it prevents you from addressing how you've been feeling, please know that it's not on you to prove to anyone else what this thing you experienced should be called.

You can approach this based on what you need and what's helpful to you. Does that help at all?