Triggered and Seeking Support

[MusicNerd]

[TW: mention of childhood sexual abuse from a family member]

Hi folks, hope you’re doing well! Didn’t know where else to go to post about this, but here goes.

Starting a couple years ago, I’ve been in contact with my parents due to needing their financial support while working a variety of short-term contract jobs (I was no-contact with them for 5-6 years, and I didn’t initially reach out to them; someone else reached out to my parents without my knowledge and put them in contact with me). This is further complicated by the fact that I was sexually abused by my dad growing up, and my mom doesn’t know (and she herself was abusive to me emotionally/mentally). I’m grateful for the financial help they’ve given, but it hasn’t felt great to be constantly reminded of the abuse.

Fast forward to now, I’ve been recovering from multiple concussions since the beginning of this year, as well as a bunch of other physical injuries, and my job options this year were limited as a result of the physical symptoms I’ve been struggling with (I even needed a fundraiser to help hold me over financially to cover expenses my parents couldn’t cover, until I started my current job). My current job is working part-time as a caregiver to my dad, since he has several disabilities; it’s not strenuous for me physically, but it obviously has taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally to be constantly reminded of what he did to me, and I’ve needed to dissociate regularly to cope.

I’m going to be transitioning into a new job as a tutor, but have to do so slowly per doctor’s orders while I continue to recover from these various injuries. It’s tough to know I have a way to gain financial independence through this new tutoring job — a stable, long-term day job I’ve been seeking for years — to get out of this triggering situation, while also knowing I can’t start with many hours due to slowly healing from injuries and working to care for my dad while I recover indefinitely.

While I’m grateful to have a therapist that I’m processing all this with, I don’t really have anyone in my life who understands what I’m going through, and how hard it’s been to be in contact with the people who’ve abused me in various ways, and also being in close contact with them now.

I guess I partly needed to vent, but if you have any suggestions for resources or support groups that deal with any of these topics, that would be great. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and for all the support y’all have shown me over the years, I really appreciate it.

[Andy]

Hi there MusicNerd, so nice to see you here again!

And no worries, this is a perfectly okay place to put this.

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear about this terrible string of hardships you are experiencing lately, that really sounds like a lot. It sounds like there is some hope in the form of a financial independence and long-term job, which is great, though I can’t even imagine how incredibly frustrating in must be to have to wait for that and stay in this triggering situation for longer. Would you like to brainstorm some options and ways how to limit or avoid the time you have to spend with your parents, or does that not feel possible right now and you just want to vent or talk about how to find ways to take care of yourself and live through this until the circumstances are better?

Would you feel comfortable sharing with us your location/ZIP code, so we can look for resources around you? You can do so either here and we will delete it afterwards or you can use one of our other direct services for that. Or would you prefer online resources? We can also put together a list of articles/resources we have available on our main site if you haven't seen all of them yet.

Lastly, you mentioned not having anyone who would understand your situation so even though mine is quite different I want to share some things that are similar in case you find that helpful <3 The past year I’ve been helping with taking care of a grandparent, who I’ve always felt very uneasy and uncomfortable around, it’s way better now but I would say the role of a caregiver is by itself so specific and often emotionally exhausting , that any added pressure/pain/negative feelings about the other person can make it unbearable. And I’m so so fucking sorry you have to be in this position with someone who sexually abused you.
I’ve also had to spent time with my parents who I don’t have a great relationship with, during the care-giving and there have been times when I was financially dependent on them and it’s always very hard for me to find the right balance between needing the support/help and the suffering that getting it costs me.

Let us know how can we best help you <3

[MusicNerd]

Hi Andy,

Thanks so much for your response! Yeah, I think coming up with some options for how to take care of myself and get through this time with my parents would be good, since I unfortunately can’t limit contact with them right now. I currently see them 3-4x per week, which is a lot for me.

I’m open to in-person and online resources, including articles from Scarleteen. Support groups might be especially helpful for me, virtual or in-person.

I’m sorry you’ve had to be a caregiver for your grandparent, and that you can relate to having a difficult relationship with your parents while having to rely on them at times. I feel like most people would judge me and call me ungrateful for the financial support they’ve given me; but I am grateful for the material support, it’s just really hard to be constantly reminded of trauma they inflicted on me for most of my life.

I also realized in therapy recently that the sexual abuse I experienced from my dad growing up is likely what led to so much anxiety and avoidance I have relating to sex and dating. (I’ve always had a hard time expressing romantic/sexual interest on dates, and couldn’t figure out why I had so much anxiety and could only show platonic interest.) I have very little romantic/sexual experience, and it’s hard not to beat myself up for unknowingly using avoidance as a coping mechanism for so many years (which also makes me feel like it’s too late for me to have the connections I wanted).

To be clear, I have no desire to date right now, given everything going on in my life; the realization above just adds another layer of mess to how I’m feeling about being around my dad so much.

[Latha]

Hi MusicNerd,

It must take so much strength and courage to care for someone who has hurt you like this. In an ideal world, it wouldn't be asked of you. Material support can't make up for what has happened, and acknowledging that does not make you ungrateful. For what it is worth, I think any sensible person in the world would understand your circumstances. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone who would think less of you.

If I may ask, how do your parents treat you these days? Are there specific behaviours or activities that make things more difficult for you when you are with them? With stressful situations, I think it always helps to be intentional about making time for self-care — this article provides some ideas if you need inspiration. It might also be useful to have some grounding/calming strategies on hand to use when you are around them. For example, you could use breathing exercises, or curate a playlist.

It isn't too late to date people or have relationships — people form new ones for as long as they live. And having less experience than your peers will not make you a worse partner. Sure, there might be a bit of a learning curve at first, but those exist in all relationships. This is because experience can only do so much — everyone with a new partner has to learn how to be with them. That means taking it slow, communicating, and listening. So long as you can achieve that, you'll be fine. Also: I know that insecurity around sex and relationships is typically thought of as something that happens to teenagers, but I think no one is totally immune. If you start dating, I think you'll learn that many of the people you date will have similar anxieties about some issue or another.

As a starting point to exploring sexual relationships with other people in the future, what would you think of exploring things like fantasies and masturbation on your own? Of course, you don't have to do this, now or ever, but they can be a good way to develop and connect with your own needs and desires.

Here are some resources from the mainsite.
Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience
How do I figure out if I want to have sex? (Post-trauma)
Should I tell potential partners that I am inexperienced?
Aftershocks: The Physical Effects of Sexual Trauma

Since you've asked us to redact your location, can we send information about support groups to you by email?

[MusicNerd]

Hi Latha,

Thanks for being so understanding. I think I tend to judge myself for my current situation, so I assume others will too.

They treat me technically better than when I was growing up — probably due to the fact that I cut contact with them for like 6 years — but there are still things that aren’t great. Like, my dad is terrible with boundaries and taking “no” for an answer, so it’s exhausting having to push back all the time. My mom is quite temperamental and I never know what mood she’ll be in that day, or at any given moment, which leaves me walking on eggshells. I tend to just shut down my personality around them and dissociate to cope.

Thanks for the self-care article, I’ll be sure to try some of those things out along with grounding exercises (I’ve also been getting into meditating lately). In terms of masturbation and fantasies, I’m no stranger to those, but they make me feel sad given my current situation and how far out of reach those things seem for me right now (and I literally force myself not to think about it after I go home from being with them, since it just feels weird given the sexual trauma from my dad).

And for whenever I do decide to date again, I likely won’t tell people about my inexperience. I don’t really see why it would be relevant for them to know anyway. Like, I won’t lie and tell people I have a bunch of experience when I don’t, but I’ll more so frame it as being rusty, since it’s true that it’s been a long time since I’ve gone on dates or been sexual with anyone. It feels safer to do that than to reveal my inexperience being a result of various traumas.

I don’t need to put myself through judgment from potential partners, especially for casual situations (with a long-term partner I might be more willing to give details, but even then I’m not sure). I had a date years ago judge me pretty harshly for not having relationship experience — she called me “weird” and everything — so I quickly learned not to disclose that ever again (I only did one other time, and that person ended things with me on our next date and we ended up having an on/off dating situation). Idk dating and sex just feel so impossible to happen for me (especially right now) that I try not to think about it much since it makes me sad— guess there’s that avoidance again.

And yes, if you could email the resources to me that would be great. Thanks so much!

[Andy]

Hi again,

if it helps to hear, you are in no way responsible for your situation and noone here would ever think otherwise. It was your parents who chose to abuse you, and you are not responsible for your health problems either.
I’m sorry to hear that your parents’ house is still unsafe for you as it sounds like "technically better" is still wayyyy too far from good. It really sounds exhausting having to deal with all this on top of working there.

It’s understandable that relationships and sexual activities don’t feel great or possible at the moment, after all, when we are in stress, our minds focus is to "survive" and other needs and wants come second. Would you be comfortable telling us more about the weirdness you feel when thinking about masturbation and fantasies after coming from your parents? It might be possible to find out where these feelings are coming from and if something could be done about them. But it’s perfectly okay, if you don’t want to talk about that.

Ughhh, that was an awful thing your date said about the lack of experience, I can imagine you wouldn't want to share that again. But you are right, it’s absolutely fine to not tell your potential partners anything about your sexual and relationships history if you don’t want to, just like it would be fine to tell them only later on. If you want to talk, now or any other time, about how could sex and dating become less impossible for you, we are happy to do that with you. It might feel like a really isolating and uncommon experience, but there are many people of all ages in similar situations, myself included, so I promise you, you are not alone.

PS: I emailed you the resources Latha put together for you, hope you find them helpful:)

[MusicNerd]

Hi again,

if it helps to hear, you are in no way responsible for your situation and noone here would ever think otherwise. It was your parents who chose to abuse you, and you are not responsible for your health problems either.
I’m sorry to hear that your parents’ house is still unsafe for you as it sounds like "technically better" is still wayyyy too far from good. It really sounds exhausting having to deal with all this on top of working there.

Thanks, Andy. I really appreciate your understanding, it really has been tough. And you’re right, it is exhausting dealing with everything else health-wise on top of seeing them so much. The emotional stress has taken a toll on me physically, so I’ve been trying to do grounding exercises and the like.

It’s understandable that relationships and sexual activities don’t feel great or possible at the moment, after all, when we are in stress, our minds focus is to "survive" and other needs and wants come second. Would you be comfortable telling us more about the weirdness you feel when thinking about masturbation and fantasies after coming from your parents? It might be possible to find out where these feelings are coming from and if something could be done about them. But it’s perfectly okay, if you don’t want to talk about that.

Yeah, I’ve definitely been in survival mode for the past… I don’t even know how many years it’s been, honestly. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I enrolled in PHP earlier this year due to having a mental breakdown. I’m thankfully doing better now, but there has been a lot going on for a while.

I think the weirdness is that I have the tendency to want to compartmentalize my sexuality to be as far away from my dad as possible. So, I figure if I only let myself masturbate or have fantasies on days when I don’t see him in person, then maybe I can somehow protect it… Now that I’m typing it out, I guess the weirdness doesn’t make as much sense as I thought, and is maybe more of a trauma response than I realized.

Ughhh, that was an awful thing your date said about the lack of experience, I can imagine you wouldn't want to share that again. But you are right, it’s absolutely fine to not tell your potential partners anything about your sexual and relationships history if you don’t want to, just like it would be fine to tell them only later on. If you want to talk, now or any other time, about how could sex and dating become less impossible for you, we are happy to do that with you. It might feel like a really isolating and uncommon experience, but there are many people of all ages in similar situations, myself included, so I promise you, you are not alone.

Honestly, I have no idea how sex and dating could become less impossible for me. Like, even before dealing with the current various injuries and financial instability, it feels like everyone else got a memo on how to make romantic/sexual connections, and it somehow skipped me. I think the childhood sexual trauma + being bullied throughout childhood + not being allowed to date in high school all set me up to perpetually feel like an awkward, fumbling teenager despite being an adult going on dates.

Making friends is pretty easy for me, but when I’m on dates, it’s hard for me to flip that switch and express romantic/sexual interest. So then, understandably, people I go on dates with think I’m only interested in platonic connections, and (despite going on more fates than I can count) it’s rarely ever gone beyond hanging out. Like, I’ve hooked up with one person when I was tipsy (this was before I got sober), and made out with idk how many people at this point (stopped counting after a while), but typically never progressed beyond that.

I guess I just don’t how other people make sex and dating and having relationships seem so easy and natural. It doesn’t feel intuitive to me at all, I just feel a lot of anxiety (and some shame), which my therapist and I have also traced back to childhood sexual trauma due to my brain subconsciously equating “romantic/sexual intent” to “danger”— even if I’m with someone I’m actually interested in. I also tend to be bad at picking up on someone’s interest in me until long after the fact, which I think is another defense mechanism on my part.

PS: I emailed you the resources Latha put together for you, hope you find them helpful:)

Yes, I got it. Thanks so much, I’m so grateful for the team here! <3

[Heather]

Just sending you some extra drive-by care and support, MusicNerd! Always rooting for you. <3