I came out but my family doesn't accept me. What should I do?

[booknerd]

Hi. I just joined this community. I am a genderfluid lesbian. Also I am questioning if I might be asexual too. I am 30 years old but I still live at home. Because I have depression and anxiety and I don't have a job or a car.

My whole family is Christian and they are homophobic and transphobic. They hate lgbt people. My older sister is always bullying me.

A few months ago I don't know why but I came out as nonbinary to my mom. I thought it was safe to tell her. My mom said "I'm not mad. I still love you and it doesn't bother me if your nonbinary or gay or straight."

But I really regret coming out to my mom. Because she still says homophobic and transphobic things and she judges lgbt people all the time.

She doesn't accept me at all. I think she lied to me. I think my mom hates me. I think my whole family hates me.

I'm so depressed. I'm so lonely. And I don't know any other lesbians in my town. I really want a girlfriend.

I really wish I hadn't told my mom anything. I hate myself. I don't feel safe at home at all.

Should I hide my feelings? Should I pretend to be straight even though I am not? What should I do?

[Sam W]

Hi booknerd,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low, and that your family continues to be unsupportive and make awful remarks around you. I do want to say that it's possible that, in your mom's mind, she really does love you and her continued homophobia and transphobia is about all those OTHER queer and trans people, with you being the exception because you're one of the "good ones." That doesn't excuse it by any means, and I honestly think that behavior is complete B.S, but it might explain the weird disconnect between her connection to your coming out and the rest of her behavior.

As for what to do, if you do not feel safe at home at all, then ultimately the thing to do is start working towards getting the heck out of there. That isn't an easy task by any means, but it can be done, and we're more than happy to help you brainstorm a plan and work through some of the logistics for getting to a living situation that's safer.

Too, while we're talking about that, we can also brainstorm some ways to make being stuck at home more bearable. How does all that sound?

[booknerd]

Hi thank you so much for replying. That would be great.

[Sam W]

Okay!

So, in terms of the long-term plan of getting out into your own place, there are two directions that might make sense to start with. One is addressing the need for money, since that's going to make things like getting your own place or affording transportation easier. Another is talking about what your social circle currently looks like, who in it is supportive, and who might be able to offer you material help like rides or a couch to sleep on. Do either of those seem like the place to start?

As for how to hang on at home in the meantime, can you take a look at this article for me? https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... lationship. In that, I outline a few different strategies for making it more bearable to be in a home situation with homophobic/transphobic family. Do any of the suggestions look like things you could implement? Or things you're already doing?

[booknerd]

Okay!

So, in terms of the long-term plan of getting out into your own place, there are two directions that might make sense to start with. One is addressing the need for money, since that's going to make things like getting your own place or affording transportation easier. Another is talking about what your social circle currently looks like, who in it is supportive, and who might be able to offer you material help like rides or a couch to sleep on. Do either of those seem like the place to start?

As for how to hang on at home in the meantime, can you take a look at this article for me? https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... lationship. In that, I outline a few different strategies for making it more bearable to be in a home situation with homophobic/transphobic family. Do any of the suggestions look like things you could implement? Or things you're already doing?

Hi those seem like good places to start with.

I am kind of really anxious to get a job because I am a very shy person and I have never had a job before.

And yes I like the suggestions for becoming busy with other activities when they are around and finding hobbies to do and keeping busy with school and making a safety plan.

I really want to take college classes. I love to draw and I want to study art or illustration. I am not sure yet. But I want to go to in person classes but my mom wants me to take online classes.

And I really love creative writing.

I'm really shy around people.
Do you know of ways I can earn money from at home? Do you have any suggestions?

[Sam W]

With the classes, this may be a spot to compromise with your mom for now, especially if agreeing to take them online means she's willing to cover the cost of them.

As for how to earn money at home, you might have more options available to you now than you would have even a few years ago, since a bit more work is remote due to the pandemic. There are also jobs like data entry where the work can be pretty monotonous but it can be done from home. And while it's pretty rare to find a job where you don't have to interact with anyone, there are some where it's pretty minimal. I really love Ask a Manager as a resource for job hunting, including things like help with cover letters and applications: https://www.askamanager.org/

Since it sounds like the shyness you experience might be bordering on social anxiety, and you mentioned anxiety and depression in your first post, have you been able to link up with any kind of mental healthcare? Or even any self-help resources for things like anxiety?

I agree that getting involved in hobbies is a great way to become too busy to be hanging around your family. Can you also give me a sense of the kind of area you're in, like whether it's a city or rural or somewhere in between? And do you have many social connections outside of your immediate family?

[booknerd]

With the classes, this may be a spot to compromise with your mom for now, especially if agreeing to take them online means she's willing to cover the cost of them.

As for how to earn money at home, you might have more options available to you now than you would have even a few years ago, since a bit more work is remote due to the pandemic. There are also jobs like data entry where the work can be pretty monotonous but it can be done from home. And while it's pretty rare to find a job where you don't have to interact with anyone, there are some where it's pretty minimal. I really love Ask a Manager as a resource for job hunting, including things like help with cover letters and applications: https://www.askamanager.org/

Since it sounds like the shyness you experience might be bordering on social anxiety, and you mentioned anxiety and depression in your first post, have you been able to link up with any kind of mental healthcare? Or even any self-help resources for things like anxiety?

I agree that getting involved in hobbies is a great way to become too busy to be hanging around your family. Can you also give me a sense of the kind of area you're in, like whether it's a city or rural or somewhere in between? And do you have many social connections outside of your immediate family?

I take medications for my depression and anxiety. But I still feel depressed and anxious.

I live in a town. It's in between a rural area and a city area. It's like a suburban area. I live in the US.

I don't have any social connections besides my family.
I have an online friend. But they live in another state. They are really nice and supportive. Also they are aromantic and asexual. And they are nonbinary.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you've been able to get some medication to help manage your mental health! If it's an option, do you think working with a therapist could also help you? We could also talk about some resources that can help you manage or work through things like social anxiety if you'd like.

I also think it's worth looking into some ways for you to start broadening your social connections, both because that can have benefits in and of itself, but also because it means you'd have more supports when you eventually leave home. One possible starting place would be to look for queer spaces in your area. Do you have any sense of what those are or where they are?

[booknerd]

I'm glad you've been able to get some medication to help manage your mental health! If it's an option, do you think working with a therapist could also help you? We could also talk about some resources that can help you manage or work through things like social anxiety if you'd like.

I also think it's worth looking into some ways for you to start broadening your social connections, both because that can have benefits in and of itself, but also because it means you'd have more supports when you eventually leave home. One possible starting place would be to look for queer spaces in your area. Do you have any sense of what those are or where they are?

I think therapy could help and I want to go to a therapist. But I have to ask my mom about it.

Also what resources do you suggest?

I'm not sure. I don't know if there are any lgbt spaces in my area. How can I find out about them? How can I find them?
How can I make friends?

[Sam W]

If you want to try therapy, we can also help you brainstorm how to bring that up to your mom if that would be helpful! As for self-help, this app can be a useful tool: https://mindgarden-tech.co.uk/. And I recommend checking out some of the books listed at the end of this article: https://www.scarleteen.com/anxiety_and_ ... _resources. Since it sounds like there's a social anxiety component for you, this could also be a helpful starting place: https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resour ... al-Anxiety.


As for finding queer spaces in your area, one basic starting place is to do some internet sleuthing and asking a search engine things like "lgbt resources + your area" to see what comes up. Since the pandemic a lot of LGBT centers have at least some community activities/spaces still online, so even finding a resource in a nearby city might help you out. As for how to make friends, I really love this piece on how to find LGBT friends: https://www.vice.com/en/article/wxqjnm/ ... 6wLVrYT_u0

[booknerd]

If you want to try therapy, we can also help you brainstorm how to bring that up to your mom if that would be helpful! As for self-help, this app can be a useful tool: https://mindgarden-tech.co.uk/. And I recommend checking out some of the books listed at the end of this article: https://www.scarleteen.com/anxiety_and_ ... _resources. Since it sounds like there's a social anxiety component for you, this could also be a helpful starting place: https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resour ... al-Anxiety.


As for finding queer spaces in your area, one basic starting place is to do some internet sleuthing and asking a search engine things like "lgbt resources + your area" to see what comes up. Since the pandemic a lot of LGBT centers have at least some community activities/spaces still online, so even finding a resource in a nearby city might help you out. As for how to make friends, I really love this piece on how to find LGBT friends: https://www.vice.com/en/article/wxqjnm/ ... 6wLVrYT_u0

Thank you so much for sharing the links to the articles. I will definitely read them!

And how can I talk to my mom about therapy?

And I have some questions.

I am genderfluid. And I really want to wear men's clothing and get a haircut.
But I'm not allowed to.
Are there any things I can do to feel more masculine?

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!

With talking about therapy with your mom, a good starting place would be working out what, if anything, you need from her in terms of support, such as financial help, a ride, or even just privacy if you end up using telehealth to see them. Too, so you have a general sense of how she views therapy?

There are for sure things you can do to help you feel more masculine! If you check out this guide, you'll see various suggestions, including ones that are subtle enough that no one but you is likely to notice them: Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear. Too, I do want to say that you're an adult, which means you're the boss of your body and your clothing; obviously we all make choices about self-presentation based on various factors, including things like whether it goes against a work dress code or doing it will cause massive fights or other risks with the people we live with. But in the big picture, you're still the one who gets to decide how you want to express your gender.

[booknerd]

You're very welcome!

With talking about therapy with your mom, a good starting place would be working out what, if anything, you need from her in terms of support, such as financial help, a ride, or even just privacy if you end up using telehealth to see them. Too, so you have a general sense of how she views therapy?

There are for sure things you can do to help you feel more masculine! If you check out this guide, you'll see various suggestions, including ones that are subtle enough that no one but you is likely to notice them: Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear. Too, I do want to say that you're an adult, which means you're the boss of your body and your clothing; obviously we all make choices about self-presentation based on various factors, including things like whether it goes against a work dress code or doing it will cause massive fights or other risks with the people we live with. But in the big picture, you're still the one who gets to decide how you want to express your gender.

Thank you for the link to the article.
I will talk to my mom about going to therapy soon.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!

Is there anything else about this whole situation (or a different one, for that matter) that we can help you with right now?

[booknerd]

You're very welcome!

Is there anything else about this whole situation (or a different one, for that matter) that we can help you with right now?

Hi I can't think of anything else that I need help with at the moment. Thank you.