dealing with being gay

[psychonaut]

hello, whoever is reading this

my name is john, and recently i've come to terms with the fact that i might be gay

i'll give some backstory so you have more context

i never really felt a pull towards women like some other guys my age have, i don't mind having sex with them and i have before, but after i always felt this emptiness i always just attributed to post nut clarity and my friends said "u just haven't met a broad u really like"

recently i met a man and we really hit it off, we would go fishing together with my dad and he would give me advice with working out. all around a good, manly type guy i was proud to call my friend

i come from florida, so in my head gays were [EDIT: removed example of homophobic language-SW].

i thought he had the same mindset, then after he drove me to his place after school he tried to kiss me and i panicked, almost crying thinking i had just committed a sin.

he apologised and i yelled at him and demanded he take me home. then after he drove me home i immediately ran to my room and jacked off to the thought of what had just happened

i've come to realise after this that i enjoyed that one kiss more than i enjoyed the time i spent with any girl, and that for all that time with him all i wanted to do was love him

he's tried to talk to me since but i almost feel like i don't deserve him for how i used to think of his people, and i'm scared of how i'd react if i see him again, i haven't yet responded

i don't know what to do with myself, really. i only recently lost my faith but the teachings still resonate with me, what if it really is true, what if i'll really go to hell for this?

and what will my family think? my father is the stereotypical floridian, southern to his very core. fox news, beer and football is what his life revolves around. at best i'd get disowned my family ever found out.

i feel like i've just betrayed myself, and i feel so ashamed. i feel absurd, like even as i'm writing this i want to punch a wall, forget about everything that happened and live my life like he didn't even exist.

i've considered just marrying a woman and living like that for the rest of my life, but lying to a girl for my own fear can't be right

i've just poured my heart out so apologies that this is too long. i needed to organise my thoughts since i haven't talked to anyone about this

so i guess my question is how do i cope now that i've realised this? i don't know what to do from here and if anyone has advice i appreciate it very much. thanks all

[Sam W]

Hi John,

I'm sorry to hear you're stuck trying to make sense of your sexual orientation in such a hostile climate, including within your own family. It sounds like there are two overlapping concerns here: one is how to proceed with this friend, the other is how to cope with your feelings more generally.

With your friend, is this a relationship you want to continue, even if it's just the friendship part rather than anything romantic or sexual? Too, just to make sure I have a clear understanding of the situation, is this friend your age?

As far as your more general feelings around your sexual orientation, would it be helpful to start with some resources that directly counter the negative messages you've gotten from your faith about your sexual orientation? I ask because, just like there are plenty of queer and queer-supporting people in Florida, there are lots of religious people and organizations that take a much more accepting and affirming view of human sexuality.

[psychonaut]

hey, thanks for replying

i wish i could have a relationship with him but im scared of what could happen if someone found out and the consequences. i still feel guilty

he's 17, i'm 16, so around my age yeah

i guess a resource or something could help, admittedly i haven't looked so i didn't know religious orgs like that existed

thanks

[Sam W]

Got it. So, I do think that if you're in situation where you would not be supported if you came out, or you might be punished for it, that as frustrating as it is pursuing a relationship with him might not be the safest call for you right now. Do you feel like you and he could talk about what happened and how you're each feeling about it?

Yep, there are plenty of religious people, churches, and denominations that are affirming of queer people! As far as resources go, I really like Queer Grace as a starting place, as it covers a LOT of ground: http://queergrace.com/. Queer Theology is another great resource: https://www.queertheology.com/ (I'm assuming from how you're describing things that the religion you're referring to is some kind of Christianity, but if I'm wrong let me know).