Sex doesn’t feel as intimate anymore - LDR

[ThanasisIsGod]

Hey Good Morning!

Wanted to preface this and say that I believe you guys are really doing Gods work. I feel like there’s a lotta shame and social conditioning that calcifies younger people and confuses them. The fact that there are people out there who enjoy bringing clarity to their fellow peers enriches me.

Alright, now about my topic.

Me (23M) and my gf (23F) have been in a long distance relationship for over a year. We FaceTime constantly, see each other once a month, and will text each other throughout the day. For the past five months I’ve been less active with texting and feeling more tired as a result of being overworked at my new job. It’ll also affect my time when I’m physically with her because there’ll be times where I’m trying to relax after a weeks of long work and she’s ready to go out and experience the city with me. I work in person everyday and still live with my parents and she works remote and lives with her best friend in an apartment.

I feel as though sex hasn’t been as intimate as before because I feel like she’s not as into it anymore. She’ll be happy if I cum quick and it’s over, or if we’re going for more than 15 mins it hurts for her and she’ll ask to stop. She still wants to get me off but I feel like we’re not in tune the same way.

I was thinking maybe it’s because what we do is too vanilla so I asked if she had any fantasies and she said to be dominated and to be tied up. I haven’t done the tying up part yet but plan to on Valentine’s Day weekend. I’m very dominant and like choking her but she doesn’t seem to match my enthusiasm back, it’s like she’s doing it for me.

I can only enjoy this if she’s having a mindblowing awesome time. I eat her out and she cums from that but we both used to really like coming together at the same time from penetrative sex.

I plan to talk to her and communicate but is there any suggestions or people in similar situations who can give ideas?

[KierC]

Hi ThanasisIsGod, and welcome to the boards.

I hear you that you’re feeling like sex with your partner hasn’t been as intimate recently. There’s a few different points you’ve made and I want to address them all, so I’m going to section out some of my observations, and we can hopefully come to an idea of what might be helpful for you from there.

Long distance relationships/time together
It sounds like you and your partner have had a structure set up for seeing each other in your LDR that includes regular visits, time together, and checking in/updates. I hear you, though, that your new job has been tiring and you’re feeling like it’s impacting the energy you have in the relationship and the energy you have to text. When you say you’ve been texting less, is that something she brought up to you, or are you worried she might feel badly about it? Too, have you spoken with her about feeling more tired?

Sex and intimacy
I hear you saying you feel like she’s not as interested during sex, but I’m also hearing you guess a lot about what the reason might be. I know it can be tempting to try to guess why, but the only person who will know why that is, or how she actually feels about sex with you, is her. How do you feel about asking her about this?

Some ideas of places to start with communicating about sex:
- It sounds like she has been asking you to stop each time because it hurts. Sex shouldn’t be painful, and it can be hard to feel intimate when you feel pain every time. Asking her what hurts, if there’s something specific you do that causes the pain, and making sure you don’t repeat the thing that causes pain, is a vital step towards helping her feel comfortable during sex.
- Asking if she has any fantasies is great! That kind of open-ended communication can bring folks closer together, so I’d say do more of that sort of asking open-ended questions. Asking and getting to know what *she* likes as well, without assuming, might help you both feel closer.

BDSM
I hear you that you said you might try bondage and dominance on Valentine’s Day. Participating in bondage and dominance is something that, like all sexual activities, requires the consent of all partners involved beforehand. It is not something that should come as a surprise, it is something that needs to be communicated about and planned out beforehand. I recommend talking to her about this again to discuss safety frameworks before actually doing anything. Does that make sense to you?

Choking
When you say that you enjoy choking her but she doesn’t match the enthusiasm, that is a red flag. There’s two issues I want to talk about with this: the choking, and consent.

Any sexual activity needs ongoing consent. Especially with dangerous and risky activities, you need the clearest consent *and* safety frameworks in place beforehand. So, when you say you feel like she doesn’t match the enthusiasm of you choking her, that indicates to me that there may not have been an ongoing conversation about it. Too, if you notice her discomfort in the moment, that is very much the time to stop, and check in with *her* about what the discomfort means and how she’s feeling. When you choked her, did you ask her for her consent first?

Sexual choking is very dangerous, there is absolutely zero way to engage in it that is risk-free, and we know that it often comes hand in hand with issues of consent and communication. I highly encourage you to read this article we have on our site on sexual choking: Breathe: Risks, Realities, and Safer Alternatives to Choking and Breath Play. To start, I want to pull this quote for you here:

Any ethical and informed sexuality educator, medical professional or practitioner of these activities will advise that there is no 100% safe way to engage in breath play. Because of the delicacy of the anatomy⁠ of the neck and throat, especially the front portions, it can take alarmingly little pressure or time spent choking – mere seconds, sometimes – to create very serious injuries, stroke and even death. As explained in this recent piece in the Guardian,
, “The risks associated with sexual strangulation include the obvious: death. Women [editor’s note: and people of all genders] have died in this way. But there are numerous other risks, including long-term changes in the brain that can occur whether the person being choked remains conscious, as well as miscarriage⁠, thyroid injuries and short-term impacts including vomiting and loss of bowel control.”  Sexual choking also poses risks of larynx (the voice box, just above the trachea) and hyoid (one of the delicate bones of the neck) damage, long-term breathing problems due to aspiration, hematoma, and cardiac arrest. 

So, sexual choking is something we can never recommend. Too, If you feel at all like your partner doesn’t enjoy something or like they’re doing it for you, don’t do the thing. This is another example of communication as well. If you *feel* like she doesn’t enjoy something, you might consider asking her.

Pleasure and intimacy
I hear you that you say you can only enjoy sex if your partner is having a mindblowing time. While I can appreciate that you want your partner to feel good, I want to invite you to see how that might put some unneeded pressure on her to perform. Sex isn’t going to be mindblowing every time; it’s going to be different based on how each of you are feeling, what’s on your mind, how your body feels, your energy levels (like from work). I think, too, there’s a difference between pleasure and intimacy that can be appreciated here. If you’re seeking more intimacy in sex, saying you’ll only enjoy it if she has this mindblowing time while also not communicating much about sex or consent may not produce more intimacy. Know what I mean?

So, if we think about what *can* contribute to more intimacy in sex, a great way to start is to introduce some more solid communication with your partner. I want to send you this article, too, as I think it would resonate as you think more about continuing this relationship in a way where you both feel connected and in communication. SuperModel: Creating And Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models.

That was a lot to start, so I’ll stop there for now. How do you feel about all that to start?

[ThanasisIsGod]

Hey KierC! Thanks for the reply! A lot of advice that I used today when I communicated with her over FaceTime. I also feel like I might have left out some context in the original post but I can address them here.

As for choking, she loves it and she hasn’t felt any discomfort and I plan to keep doing it softly bc I love her to much to really choke.

As for the pain part that’s because I keep exiting my entire dick and putting it back in instead of thrusting while staying inside. I’m no longer going to do it this way.

She also has given full consent for blindfolds and rope as she is super excited for it as am I.

I also spoke to her how I’ve been tired from being overworked and she she says she knows and understands.

Your advice was HUGE and we really connected. We talked about fantasies and role play (she’s into the teacher student and boss secretary stuff as am I).

The thing is I talked abt the more vanilla side to my fetishes but nothing to what I’m really fired up by and I don’t know if I can communicate it or want to.

I have the fantasy of group sex and threesomes and adding in someone to share her or myself. I know you said we can’t guess what she’s going to feel but she would definitely feel like it’s cheating especially since she isn’t comfortable with me watching porn.

I can perform just being 1 to 1 with her the normal way but I just have this in the back of my mind every now and then during sex.

Do you have any advice? Confused on this part. Really appreciate the help so far!

[aarija]

Hey Thanasisgod,
It's great to hear that this conversation went so well, I'm so happy for you!

Conversations like this one are vital to deepening a bond and they are most effective when had consistently throughout the relationship. It gives all parties a chance to reflect on the relationship and share what they're feeling. Too, people's desires and needs change over time and it's helpful to have a space to share those changes. Finally, there's just too much material to cover at once, so it's important to break it up over many discussions.

You've shared your desires to relax when you're with her due to being overworked and it's great that she understands this - Maybe you all could dedicate portions of your time together for rest, while incorporating the activities she wants to do as well. Since you have limited time together, it's important to make sure both of you are feeling fulfilled when you are together.

As for your sharing your fantasies about group sex, I'll reiterate that you don't have to share everything at once. You already know she's not comfortable with you watching porn, but you also know that you can't guess how she will react if you share this. It's important to determine what this fantasy means to you and what role your girlfriend plays in it. It's also worth having a conversation about what makes her uncomfortable with porn and whether there is something you can do to ease that discomfort. Involving other people in a relationship is bound to bring up feelings of jealousy and insecurity - it's important to clarify your motivation for wanting to do so *and* it's important that you're both feeling secure in what you mean to each other before taking that step.

Remember also that fantasies are simply a figment of our imagination and there's no harm to playing them out in your head. It's possible to share this desire of yours with her without any pressure to incorporate it into the relationship, and that may help you stay more present during sex as well.