Shame about sexuality and pornography consumption

[slowlywalking]

Hello,

I know this topic comes up frequently here, (I've read some other topics about it on these boards) but I just wanted to talk to someone about it.

I feel guilty about watching porn, since I feel it promotes violence against both women and people broadly, and is also filled with dangerous stereotypes about racial, ethnic, and sexual groups. I believe this, yet I still find myself watching it. It causes me to feel distress, and I feel like I am an impostor and a hypocrite.

I guess I should mention that I have been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but I think this experience is common regardless of a medical label.

I often decide to stop watching porn completely, but always end up coming back to it. I don't think I am addicted- I have spent longer periods of time without watching porn or masturbating and didn't feel any negative effects. (I also don't know how legitimate the concept of "porn addiction" is. I'll have to look into that later.

I also wanted to add that I am skeptical of the influencers and posters on the internet I see promoting abstinence from masturbation. I have no moral problem with masturbation, and these people always seem more preoccupied over stupid ideas about how masturbation somehow makes you "less of a man" or "depletes you of your strength" than over the very real abusive reality of the pornography industry. These influencers are taking advantage of common anxieties and exploiting them to sell courses and supplements.

I'm sorry if this post is more of a diatribe than a question, and also if I posted this on the wrong board, but I still would like to hear a response.

Also sorry if I sound pretentious, I just finished writing a make-up essay for summer school and I'm still trying to sound smarter than I am lmao

[Latha]

Hello and welcome, Slowlywalking!

I’m glad you’ve asked about this! We can definitely have a conversation about sexuality and the ethics around porn. And don’t worry — you sound just fine, and you’ve posted in the right place. Got Questions? Get Answers is for questions from all topics, and was made for people who are new here, so you can get familiar with the boards. Once you feel comfortable, you can try posting elsewhere.

It sounds like you feel that your values are not reflected in the pornography you’re seeing, and in the industry more broadly. So, when you watch this porn, you end up feeling conflicted and guilty. I understand why you would feel this way! It’s true that good deal of pornography is produced under conditions that are far from ideal, and it’s fair that you would want to make choices that are in line with your principles.

I wonder if it might help to remember that exploitation isn’t an inherent part of all erotic media. People can and do make video, pictures, and writing about sex that respects everyone involved — producers can even be consciously feminist, anti-racist, and progressive in their process. Do you think engaging with this kind of pornography might help you feel better about what you watch? If you do, you could seek out feminist porn, and look for opportunities to pay for this content, so those involved can be compensated fairly.

Something else to think about is that apparent ‘violence’ in the context of sex can actually be consensual and pleasurable. When things are done right, these dynamics should be a part of a fantasy or a game. Everyone involved is acting, so what you see may be different from what they would support in real life.

I also wanted to add that I am skeptical of the influencers…

I basically agree with what you’ve said about influencers promoting abstinence from masturbation. I think your thoughts here are sensible and well-considered.

In my opinion, the concept of a porn addiction isn’t the most legitimate thing. It feels like people often use the term addiction to describe a situation where they feel conflicted about an activity, and like they are not fully in control of what they do. But framing the activity itself as addictive can sometimes misrepresent the nature of the problem.

For example, I’ve seen people describe feeling addicted to masturbation. Are they really? Often enough, it seems like they are in a cycle, where they masturbate because it feels pleasurable, but then they feel guilty because they’ve internalized messages that tell them that self-pleasure is wrong, harmful, or even sinful. They question their actions, and resolve not to masturbate, only to begin this cycle again when they are confronted with an urge that is natural for many people. These people might feel a great deal of distress, and like they can’t control their actions, but masturbation itself isn’t their problem. Their circumstances are. I think it may be similar with pornography. If it wasn’t for the conditions under which it is too often produced, or shame people have internalised about sexual media, I think lots of people would be more comfortable with their relationship to it. They wouldn’t feel ‘addicted’.

We do have a series on pornography if you would like to read more about it here. Beyond that, you are welcome to do your own research!

What do you think of this so far?

[slowlywalking]

Hello Latha,

Thank you for responding! I read the series on pornography, and it helped me consider how I might have absorbed certain narratives and stereotypes from mainstream commercial pornography, even if I went into them with a skeptical attitude.

I also think your response helped me realize how I was thinking in very rigid, black & white categories. I hadn't really thought about how I might be overlooking different forms of erotic media (e.g. written erotica) and being preoccupied with the products of specific industries.

[Latha]

I’m glad this helped! Feel free to let us know if you have any further thoughts or questions!