Body image issues

[pickledpeanut]

Hi

Firstly, I just wanted to say I am so flipping grateful for Scarleteen. I am 26 now and have been on/off on here for the last decade. I’ve just made a new account though as I can’t remember my old login so I hope that’s OK. The advice you guys provide is so awesome and I think I only realise the true extent of how helpful it is now that I’m older I definitely want to donate to support the website when I’m a bit more financially stable as it’s an incredibly valuable resource for a lot of people.

I hope I’m still OK to post on here given my age - I don’t really have anybody to talk too about this kinda stuff Sorry in advance for the long post btw!

I matched with this guy on tinder two months ago - let’s call him A. A and I immediately clicked within our first couple messages and started sending voice messages to each other within the hour. We had a phone call later that night for FOUR hours it was insane how well we got along and talked like we had known each other for years. We then proceeded to have a phone call every night for the next nine days in a row. I realised pretty soon on that I had fallen for him and I was sure he felt the same however I didn’t tell him as I had said I wasn’t sure what I was looking for.

Long story short - I told him about a month ago how I felt and he said he feels the exact same. He said he cares about me a lot and I’m very very special to him. He is truly the most amazing person. I’ve had a lot of issues with guys in the past and have struggles that make dating kind of difficult. But he’s truly so gentle and kind and it makes me realise that it’s time I stopped shutting down affection like I’ve done in the past and let myself actually be loved despite my insecurities. I feel like he actually sees me for me - rather than the terrible flirtatious relationships I had in the past just trying to fill a void.

We haven’t met in person yet as he lives two hours away at the moment but is moving closer in a couple months to be closer to his son who lives in a town near me. He’s expressed multiple times how he can’t wait to meet me and thinks he and I could be the real deal. I totally feel the same way but I have a lot of worries about things which are starting to trouble me. I guess I’ll start with the main thing that’s starting to stress me out.

I struggle with body image - I’ve put on weight over the last couple years due to being diagnosed with a chronic illness and I’m feeling pretty insecure about it. Usually I’m not too bothered by it but now that there’s something real on the cards with a guy I am super keen on, I’m starting to panic about my body. A always calls me beautiful but I worry I look significantly bigger in person than my photos he’s seen. He’s said countless times he’s not bothered that I’m not “skinny” and he likes me for my personality and not just my looks. But I am still very insecure about my body. I don’t really wear makeup nor dress up and I feel like perhaps I’m not “feminine” enough once he meets me because I’m a “pyjamas and comfy clothes” kinda girl.

I’ve always had body image issues due to my mother having an ED that impacted her parenting me as a teen. I frequently would yo-yo between being super slim and being chubby over the years and would feel guilt around food. Last couple of years, I’ve started trying to find food freedom and honour my cravings and actually let myself enjoy eating without the guilt and feeling ashamed of myself. My relationship with food is a lot more natural now although my family don’t seem to understand it. My mother makes comments about my weight/what I eat/how much I eat and can get quite nasty (she has mental health issues) despite me asking her not to do that.

I walked away from a guy I really liked in the past after my mother’s comments got to me (she said he wouldn’t like me for the way I look now) and I really don’t want to do that this time with A. But I am just so scared and feel so torn between loving my body for what it’s done for me yet also hating it for being pale, chubby and flabby.

I’m worried that he may be secretly let down by how I look in person and the fact I’m very much low key and natural in the way I dress/present myself. I’ve seen photos of his ex partner with their son and she’s very slim and delicate so I feel a bit like Shrek with my big pale thighs, not the greatest teeth and bad acne.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and reply! Xx

[Latha]

Welcome back, Pickledpeanut! I'm so glad Scarleteen has helped you- don't worry, you can still post here.

I understand how the prospect of a good relationship could trigger these anxieties about your body, especially with the history that you've described. Let's establish that your worth is independent of what anyone thinks about your body. I understand how it would be so disappointing and hurtful if A were to feel let down in some way when you meet, but you must remember that that would be a reflection of his character- such opinions would imply nothing about you or your worth as a person or partner.

But that is the worst-case scenario. So far, you don't have cause to believe that A would act like that. Try to take him at his word when he says he wants to be with you. Remember that he chose this. This doesn't mean you have to find it within yourself to agree with him when he makes positive comments about you or your body. That might be too difficult right now. Instead, try to accept it as his opinion, without building a list of reasons why he can't, for example, think that you are beautiful. In time, it will get easier to believe him.

About your mother: It is awful that she makes such comments. I feel for her because she must be suffering, but her words are not helping you at all. It seems like you've tried to set boundaries with her, but she hasn't respected them. Is that right? One thing we can do together is brainstorm better ways to set boundaries around these comments and ways to reduce the impact of the comments you do hear. Is that something you would want?

In case you haven't done this, it may be useful to clear your social media feeds of anything that makes you feel inadequate or bad about the way you look. Try to follow accounts that post about body positivity and neutrality, and feature people who look like you. Seeing such posts regularly may help you internalize the fact that you are desirable as you are now.

Be patient with yourself. Developing and keeping a good body image can take a lot of ongoing effort and care. You've already been doing great by working on developing a better relationship with food.

[pickledpeanut]

Hi Latha,


Thank you so much for the very very helpful and supportive reply. It’s so great to have some support regarding things I can’t talk about with other people in my life.

What you said about A and my anxieties about my body is so so helpful. I’ve read your response multiple times and it’s immensely calmed me a lot already. Like you said, I’ve got no cause to believe he would act like that. I also really really like how you said it doesn’t mean I have to agree with him about the positive comments he makes. I think it’s definitely a thing that will get easier over time.

In regards to my mother - I do feel sorry for her too as I can see she is suffering with her own insecurities. I’ve tried multiple times to set boundaries in place with her about my weight such as saying explicitly “please don’t comment on my body or what I eat” but she just ignores it. Examples of things she’s said have been her saying “I can’t believe you ate so much” after we went out for brunch and I finished my plate of eggs and toast. Sometimes when she’s been really nasty, she’s yelled saying upfront I’m “fat” and “massive” and I am going to get diabetes. (This statement is very untrue as I’ve had blood tests for my chronic illness and nothing has ever come up regarding my weight)

I’d love to brainstorm some better ways to set boundaries with her and not let the comments get to me so much. It really really stings when she makes comments as I love her a lot but she can be so incredibly nasty and it makes me feel ugly and unloved. My family all believe she has undiagnosed bipolar - she can swing from being so nice one minute to being so nasty the next and has a long history of mental instability.

I struggle to have solid boundaries with her as I want to be close to her & have a good relationship but she can turn at the slightest things and use things against me. For example, I’ve told her about A & I talking - she has made some not so nice comments about him having a child with his ex and how apparently I’ll never be first because he’ll be always put the ex partner before me. This statement is totally not true at all as A’s ex partner is very nasty and frequently verbally abuses A. It’s sad because I want to have my family supporting me but my mother seems to think I’m not making wise decisions by being interested in somebody who has a child already. My mother met my stepfather when my sister and I were young and he had a child with his ex wife so it’s obvious my mother is letting her personal experiences cloud her judgement but it’s still painful.

I don’t use social media except for Tik Tok and I try to follow a lot of body positivity/neutrality accounts as well as intuitive eating/food freedom accounts which I think have helped a lot with my body image.

[pickledpeanut]

Just adding to my last post - my mother made a comment just an hour ago saying something along the lines of my father had said he hoped I wouldn’t get hurt because of my weight regarding A not being interested in me.

I felt like I was doing OK until that comment - I went home to my house and cried and cried looking in the mirror. Part of me just wants to block A and never bother with a romantic relationship because of how ugly I feel but I like A too much to do that. I feel so sick thinking about that comment and I feel hideous now

[Sam W]

Hi pickledpeanut,

I have a number of thoughts on this, but my first one is: Holy COW is your mom being crummy and I'm so sorry someone you love is directing that kind of venom at you and your body.

As far as setting boundaries with her, it sounds like you've already tried using explicit, verbal ones and she's choosing to ignore them. That suggests that your next option is going to be boundaries where you enact a consequence if she ignores your requests to not comment on your food or your body. It sounds like you have your own living space (but please correct me if I'm wrong on that), so one option is if you're visiting her and she starts in on your body, you literally get up and say something like "I told you this was an off-limits topic, I'm going home." If you two talk on the phone or text often, you could build up to that boundary by hanging up or not responding if she turns the conversation towards insulting you. In other words, you make her ability to interact with you contingent on her treating you with a basic level of respect. Do any of those steps sound doable to you?

With those bigger issues around your body, are there people in your life who you trust to give you body boost--like saying you look great--or who already give you them who you could enlist for some help? Those could be friends, or they could be A. Or do you feel like you're really on your own when it comes to being a cheerleader for your own body?

I want to applaud you for clearly doing a lot of work to start unlearning crummy messages about bodies and replacing them with positive or neutral ones; that can be such a hard things to do. If you haven't already done so, I might check out this podcast Maintenance Phase. It's about health trends/history more generally, but a lot of their episodes talk about weight and do some really intense mythbusting around a lot of the rhetoric--and science--used to justify being awful to people about their bodies.

Another piece of advice I have around all this is to, if you're not already, look for positive or neutral ways to connect with your body. That can look a ton of different ways; engaging in exercise that makes you happy or feels fun, basic stretches, playing around with make-up or hairstyles, learning self-massage, really anything that helps you see your body as something that deserves to be taken care of and connected to, rather than this burden you're stuck with.

[pickledpeanut]

Hi Sam,

Apologies for my late response. Thank you so much for your reply - the advice I receive on here is truly parallel to none

It’s been a topsy turvy couple of days and there’s a lot on my mind about things with A. We are meant to be meeting either this Sunday or next - he is going to come over to my house for a coffee before he heads home a couple hours away after dropping his son off. It means we only would have a couple hours together but I find it reassuring knowing there’s a time limit just in case things are awkward in person. I am so so so anxious about meeting him and have a lot of emotions about it.

My main concern is about how I look as I’ve touched on my body image issues in my previous posts - my sister and mother have made comments about getting my sister to do my makeup before he comes over but I just want to be super natural as I hardly wear makeup. I get what Mum is meaning but it makes me feel like me being myself isn’t enough. The comments about my weight also have been happening again although I realise my family just means well but it still hurts as I would like to be told I’m fine just the way I am. Mum said it’s no wonder A likes me so much because I looked like “a supermodel in the photos he’s seen” as I’ve put on weight on since the ones on my dating profile were a couple years ago. A has seen recent photos of me clothed in my weight gain now though and has said I am “adorable” although I am insecure about my chubby face.

My dad told me I should be walking everyday and my mother told me yesterday “it wouldn’t take much for you to get into shape.” I feel like I’ve gone backwards massively in my relationship with food and am feeling guilty eating normal amounts now which I hate as I felt like I had made such strong progress.

I live in a seperate building to my family - it’s on their property though so we are neighbours in a sense. Yes, those steps do sound doable although I am worried she will get nasty and retaliate saying that I asked her for advice and she was just giving me an honest answer. It’s hard because I want her advice and support but in a gentle loving way - not a critical opinion about my weight. Before A, I wasn’t too bothered about my body as I was focussing energy on just trying to get back on track with my chronic illness and recovering from moving across the country but now I feel like I am on high alert and all those comments I’ve been hearing for a long time have hit me like a ton of bricks.

I do feel like I’m on my own in regards to being my own cheerleader about my body. I have been reading some blogs and TikTok videos which I’ve found immensely helpful though. I only moved to this area six months ago and don’t know anybody really. A is insanely supportive which I am amazed by but I’m just so so horrified he’ll change his mind about me when we meet in person. He’s been absolutely amazing ever since we started talking. He told me that he’s never felt like this with anybody before and that he says he knew after our first phone call, that I am the one for him. He told me on the phone two nights ago that he actually thought to himself “I’m going to marry this girl one day” after our first phone call (it was four hours long) I realise these are biiiiiig statements to make and I’ve told him that but he says repeatedly he means what he says and meeting me in person will only make him happier. He is constantly reassuring me that I mean a lot to him and he likes me for my personality rather than just my body but I struggle letting people close to me and I am feeling very wary about how I feel about A as I’ve let him in emotionally and I tend to have a habit of self sabotaging things because I don’t feel good enough or like I deserve them.

I know he’s not love bombing me - he’s incredibly secure in himself but I just worry he’s put me on a pedestal because of how well we connect and talk on the phone but he may find me bland and ugly in real life.


Sorry this is so long - I have been feeling very overwhelmed with things and just needed to get this all out.

[Latha]

Hi Pickledpeanut! Don't worry about replying late, I can assure you that we don't mind.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with your family making such comments. These sorts of 'well-meaning' putdowns from those we care about can be so corrosive. Considering that, and all the big changes in your life recently- no wonder you've been anxious and overwhelmed.

I imagine it might feel a little demoralizing to be feeling like this when you worked so hard to develop a better relationship with your body. But I'm sure you know that progress isn't always linear. You've made progress before- slowly but surely, you can do it again. You won't always feel like this.

If I may ask, have you tried to set boundaries around comments about your body with your father and sister? How have they responded?

I completely understand why you'd go to your mother for advice and support while you're struggling. Unfortunately, I think you may need to look elsewhere. You're in a very vulnerable place when you ask for her help, and that is when she says such unkind things. It also isn't okay that your father and sister seem to agree with her. Whatever their intentions are, the effect of your family's comments is to tell you that you need to change something about yourself to be loved. That isn't true- you are fine just the way you are.

So, you don't need to make yourself look different for your meeting with A. Some advice: if something feels off while you're together, don't jump to the assumption that it's because of you. For example, when you meet, the conversation might stall for reasons that have nothing to do with whether he likes you. Both of you will be interacting in a new environment, he might feel tired after having to travel, you might be tired because of everything you've been dealing with, and actually, he might feel a little nervous about meeting you too- it would be natural, given how much he seems to like you.

Try to be proactive and intentional about self-care this week. As Sam suggested, find comfortable ways to connect with your body. If you want, we could talk about how you self-sabotage, and ways to avoid it. As it is, if you catch yourself feeling that way, try to avoid making any decisions in the moment. You might find that you'll feel less strongly about it after some time.

[Sam W]

Hi pickledpeanut,

In addition to what Latha said, when it comes to feeling like your own cheerleader, do you have any friends who were positive about your body who live elsewhere? I ask because sometimes it can be really helpful to have people who can text and say "look how[whatever] I look in this outfit" who understand that what you need in that moment is "heck yeah, you look great."