can’t reach orgasm anymore

[umbr8llaa]

I (19F) can’t reach an orgasm anymore. I’ve been masturbating since I was 15, and had amazing full body orgasms just from clit stimulation, but in the last two years I can’t get to that level of orgasm anymore and it takes me much longer to even do that. It feels like a release, but it happens in a flash, it doesn’t extend through my body, and doesn’t even feel pleasurable sometimes. I haven’t started any new medication, haven’t had huge health changes (if anything i’ve gotten healthier!), and not under constant stress. I started having penetrative and oral sex in the last year as well, and I can’t orgasm from my partners either (who i feel comfortable with and am attracted to.) It’s not a pressure issue, especially because I can’t get there by masturbating either. I use a vibrator and that can give me an orgasm, but still very lackluster. I don’t understand what’s wrong and I’m tired of not being able to orgasm like I used to.

[KierC]

Hey there Umbr8llaa, and welcome to the boards!

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with orgasm. It can be so frustrating, especially when you were experiencing full body orgasms before, to feel less overwhelmingly pleasureable orgasms. I have a few questions to clarify, and some thoughts on where this could be coming from.

It’s helpful to know that your health and stress levels are relatively the same! Those can certainly impact the sexual response cycle and make our experience of desire, arousal, and orgasm a bit different. Any number of life changes can potentially change the way we approach and feel during sex, too. Apart from what’s going on in your body, if there’s anything different in the way you *feel* about sex or *approach* sex, that can potentially change your experience of orgasm. With that in mind, is there any way you see yourself approaching masturbation differently? Have you noticed any changes in how you feel about sex after starting to have partnered sex?

It sounds like you can still orgasm with a vibrator, but not with partnered sex, and the vibrator orgasm feels less intense. Thinking back to when you experienced fully body orgasms, was there anything in your environment that was different; any mindset you were in that changed; any activities you did that may have contributed to the fully body orgasms?

I want to say, too: Orgasm is one, brief part of the sexual response cycle, and is often put on a pedestal as The Goal Of Having Sex; while there is actually a whole sexual response cycle leading up to, including, and after orgasm that contributes to the overall pleasure you feel during sexual activity. So, sometimes orgasm can be either hard to reach or less overwhelming than usual, but it’s still only a fraction of the pleasure one can experience during sex. Sometimes, too, gently placing orgasm off of this pedestal can help with enjoying other aspects of sex like the desire, arousal, or plateau stage. All this to say, there is much pleasure to be found apart from orgasm. How do you feel about exploring more on the other parts of sex that you find enjoyable for awhile, perhaps introducing non-goal-oriented sex and masturbation into the mix?

[umbr8llaa]

Hi thanks for your response. I have been thinking about this issue more, and I think it may be related to hormonal changes. I had PCOS-like symptoms from age 15-18, where my testosterone levels were very high and I was unable to get a period for months on end, unless I took progesterone/estrogen pills. My OBGYN office prescribed me birth control to regulate my period, but my mom would not let me take it (due to her own hang ups with BC.) Fortunately my period returned to normal a few months after she refused to let me use the BC, though I still do not understand how or why this happened. I realized that my loss of orgasm (and honestly sensation) coincided with when my periods became regular and my testosterone levels regulated, and got healthier as a result. I have heard of people losing their libido/orgasm when they start taking BC, so I wonder if this is what happened to me: I do not take BC, but my body has reacted similarly to if I had (both in terms of a regulated period and a loss of libido.) When my testosterone levels were high is when I was having much stronger orgasms, feeling more aroused, could be physically stimulated much easier, and had a higher sex drive overall.

So with that, I don’t really think this issue is due to my mindset or because I am placing orgasms on a pedestal. I think I actually approach sex more healthily now, it feels much less taboo to me than it did before I was having partnered sex.

[HannahP]

Hi Umbr8llaa,

You're absolutely right that changing hormone levels can affect people's sex drive and it does sound likely that that was the precipitating factor in your case. Adapting your sexuality to your changing body is a difficult but necessary part of many people's lives, though you're experiencing it earlier than many other people do!

It's frustrating to feel like something that used to be easy isn't easy anymore and it probably feels pretty daunting and annoying to think about needing to re-learn how to masturbate now when you used to know exactly how to do it. But in a way, you're in a really similar position to many many young women of your age that we talk to here all the time who are struggling to learn how to orgasm or how to have good orgasms while masturbating or during partnered sex. It's just that most of them have never had a great orgasm before and are starting at "zero," whereas you know what you're missing. But just in the way that many of those women can learn how to have great orgasms through practice, I think it's quite likely that you'll be able to figure out how to work with your body as it is now, too. But it will likely take approaching sex and masturbation in a different way than you have in the past, when it didn't take as much effort.

One example of this might be that if your body is really responsive and you get aroused and orgasm quickly and strongly, you might not need to really "set the mood" or get yourself really mentally aroused before you masturbate. Whereas if your body is no longer as instantly responsive, you might need to take your time and read/watch/fantasize about something that you find really arousing in order to get your body to that same level of responsiveness and intensity. You also might need to change the way you touch yourself or use your vibrator — you might have to practice matching the pace of your body's more slowly rising arousal, making sure that you don't get overstimulated too soon but that you're still getting the amount and type of stimulation you need.

I'll stop there for now so I can get your feedback. Does this sound right to you? What do you think?

[TruthSeeker]

A vibrator can temporarily numb the clitoris. Using a hand mirror to look at how you touch the clitoris when you masturbate can also be helpful. If your clitoris is not too sensitive, one way to avoid over stimulating the clitoris is to pull back the clitoral hood and use a bullet vibrator to trace around the clitoris. This can be very effective.

[Heather]

Just FYI, I would not personally say "numb." I mean, if someone feels overstimulated, they can feel a whole range of sensations from that, from feeling super-ticklish to feeling numbed out, but psysioligically speaking, it hasn't actually been made numb.