Whats the different between sexual attraction and desire? How do you know if you sexually attracted to women?

[Puppylovesball]

I'm 19f and I don't know how to cope at all with myself. When I was 16 I label myself as bisexual because I thought I was sexually attracted to women or at least I know women caught my attention. I had few or very little crush on boys or at least one I don't think I ever had a crush on girls before. As a child I watched straight romance that we had access to at the time I didn't grow up with queer representation.I would constantly stay up at night daydreaming and making up fake scenarios in my head because I felt isolated and escaping reality witnessing my father abuse my mother. It was easy for me to imagine being in a relationship with a guy but I can't see the person in my head so as a child when I started school I think I latched on to the first person I saw. I also realized that when I think about having sex I hear voices or I know who I'm having sex with but im in first person but I cant see the person. I just know that I like the idea. Women have always been attractive to me. At least I know women are pretty

I'm ashamed to say that I think I discovered I was sexually attracted to women through porn and I know anybody can be aroused by porn but I genuinely wanted to makeout and sleep with women after that.I was curious and still is but now im not sure.I wanted to date women and explore my sexuality but I didn't know how since I live in a small country in the caribbean with generally homophobic people and I don't want my parents to know I'm dating I can't leave the house.

After I finished school I was stuck in my house for 2 years because I couldn't afford college and I need to pass a maths test but I still couldn't pass.I think at one point in time I became addicted to porn to cope with stuff at home and not being able to freely explore myself(not a healthy way to cope but it what I had).I made a switch to f/f romance book but sometimes i still can't help but think about a sexual scenario with a woman. I deeply regret not figuring this shit out in high school which makes me depressed. I finally asked how I could start dating and meet other queer people and they were really helpful and sweet. I even made a friend online. I read about HOCD and it sent me into a spiral for the worst because I've never wanted to be that way. some one told me that i need to get diagnose for OCD and I cant self diagnose but I became super anxious now about questioning and wheather or not I have it because that means I been worrying or questioning for absolute nothing. I dont have access to a therapist at all and if I want to I need to ask my parents because I don't have money. I feel like I don't want to disappoint the women if I start dating eventually or myself. I don't want to be the confused straight girl that uses women and I know I just have to be honest but I feel like people would still hate me .

I don't think I want to be straight at all or at least I don't feel like I am. I look at women kissing and I envy them. At times I crave to feel closeness to women emotionally, physically even if that means cuddling and watching a movie or making out in the shower but now ever since I read about HOCD or thinking about dating a woman I feel guilty and disgusting and ashamed . I don't know why I don't feel safe or repulsed when I think about sex with men. I feel like a creep because I dont know if I'm feeling sexual attraction or not.

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Puppylovesball!

I'm sorry to hear that these concerns about your sexuality have left you feeling so ashamed, but I am glad you reached out to us. We're all about helping people have healthy relationships here, and that means we are honest when we notice problems. If there was something disrespectful about the way in which you are thinking about other women, I promise we would tell you.

With that, believe me when I say there isn't. There is nothing wrong with the way you've described your feelings about women. You are not being creepy. You are just noticing feelings that seem like attraction and questioning your orientation, in the same way so many sapphic women do.

I have to admit that I am sometimes a little skeptical of narratives where confused straight girls 'use' queer women. Certainly, straight women can objectify queer women. They may flirt while not actually respecting queer relationships, and treat sapphic women as though their feelings and consent don't matter. However, that kind of behavior would be a problem in any situation, and is different from someone realizing that they are straight after a period of questioning. It can hurt to have a relationship end and hear that your feelings are not reciprocated, but we have to remember that can happen for any number of reasons. What is important is for everyone involved to treat each other considerately while also honoring their own needs.

All that is to say that exploring relationships with women while you are unsure does not mean that you would be using your partners. You don't have to be completely sure of your sexuality before you do this.

How does this sound to you so far?

I'm curious to hear a little more about why you're concerned about OCD--who was the person who told you that you need to get a diagnosis? Why did they think that?

Just for context, homosexual OCD is just one way that someone can have anxious thoughts about their sexual orientation. It is also possible to have such worries about being heterosexual. When heterosexual people do have OCD about gay, the concept of romantic or sexual intimacy with a gay partner is usually distressing. That doesn't sound like what I've heard from you here. In your own words, you envy women and crave being close to them.

It sounds like life at home is stressful, and has been that way for a long time. It also seems like you are not getting the support you need, and you're having a hard time finding a way out. If you would like, we can also chat about life at home, and what your options might be for making things easier.

[Puppylovesball]

thank you so much
I dont know why I think I have OCD but I usually a bit anixous about my sexuality but everytime I think Im confident about it I become anxious because I dont think I fully fleshed out my feelings. I often second guess myself alot about everything and I feel like I have to explain myself but I can't fully express or explain how I feel which makes me feel like I'm lying . I had no one to talk to so I finally turn to reddit which usually I would love to avoid using but I asked how do people meet other LGBTQ people in my country. They left helpful comments and advice, made a joke here or there but I found out about all the ways people meet each other. It wasnt much spaces and I dont think there are much bars here. I heard the last lesbian bar shut down during Covid 19.

I made a friend online they're so cool. Past few days we spent talking to each other about hobbies and giving each other movie recommendations. I wanted to ask them to watch a movie with me but I haven't worked up the courage yet to ask them. But I felt so weirdly inexperienced or out of my depth. Recently I noticed I can't fully imerse myself in f/f romance movies sometimes books like I do with straight romance . Normally I dont put myself in the character shoes but my mind hyperactive so it wonder to different places all the time. I know that doesnt really mean anything about my sexuality but
Sometime when Im reading f/f romance my mind wonder to sex even when there's nothing sexual in the book. Like my characters was just driving to a spot in the sun set I would think about having sex in the car just out of nowhere. But I get like that before my period so idk. I often caught my mind wondering to sex when I'm frustrated when my father start yelling and arguing. I think I reach my limit with trying to figure myself out and stuff that going on at home and worring about getting a job so i could help my family out I started lashing out and I feel bad for it. It doesnt help that things feels like it keeps getting worse each year.

Also just confused about butterflies when I used to watch straight romance when I felt butterflies it feels fluttery sometimes in my chest feeling but when I'm watching or reading f/f romance idk how to explain it but I feel it in my stomach one minute I feel like twisty feeling or it feels full or it makes noise whenever I think about a situation where I'm dating a girl or kissing a girl then I get nervous. I dont know if theres such a thing as good butterflies or bad butterflies or if how I'm feeling is normal.
I think I became addicted to porn at one point before but I'm not sure why. I made the switch to books and reading so I could get over it. And I realised there were healthier ways to go about exploring my sexuality. Sometime I think I watched it to calm me down or escape reality but idk. I just stopped one day honestly I'm glad. I still enjoy reading f/f romance its the best and this year I wanted to write a romance book myself. Trying everything like making a comic or animating a show

I just looked up on the internet about ruminating on figuring out my sexuality and thats when HOCD came up and I got anxious because I have some of the symptoms I think like (constantly looking for validation). I asked on reddit again (I know bad idea) If anyone had or experience HOCD before but I dont think it help to ask much. they told me I have to go to therapy to get help for it even tho I mention not having access to therapy. Only one person said they have experience HOCD to let me know I wasnt going through anything alone and another person let me know that I can't just self diagnose with HOCD because was a type of OCD and the symptoms for OCD could overlap with other mental health conditions. Like I could just be struggling with anxiety so i think thats helpful. It had one comment that made me think it wasnt normal for queer people to have HOCD but thats what made me anixious and overthink everything. I have been going through depression or I just been completely down and i didnt know what to do. I would like to go to therapy but can't my parents and i dont have money.just struggling to get by as it it. I cant tell my parents I need therapy because then they would want to know why and would have to admit why. Sorry if this is too long or if I repeated myself sometimes.

[Becky]

Hi Puppylovesball!

I'm sorry this has been distressing for you. I hope we can help you sort through some of this.

I do somewhat agree with the person on Reddit who discouraged you from self-diagnosing. Self-diagnosing is a bit of a double edged sword. Sometimes, finding resources that resonate with your experience/help you mitigate your symptoms can be really helpful especially when you are unable to access therapy or other medical treatment but it's also very easy to get caught up and get obsessive about our symptoms and trying to figure out what "wrong" with us. I know this all feels very distressing right now but I hope you can give yourself permission to just "be" for right now while we figure out if we can get you some professional help. It is absolutely okay to not feel sure about your sexuality! Especially when you've been socialized in a heteronormative and homophobic society, it makes a lot of sense that you would feel confused and conflicted about this. You are not doing anything wrong by enjoying f/f romance novels and fantasizing about having an intimate relationship with a woman is NOT the same thing as objectifying them.

Now, that being said, a few things you've mentioned do line up with other users we've had that do struggle with OCD. For example, you mentioned that you believe you were "addicted" to porn. Porn addiction isn't recognized medically as an actual addiction, but over-consuming pornography to the point where it feels like it is interfering with your day-to-day life can be a type of compulsive behavior. Also, it does sound like you are ruminating a lot on whether or not your sexual desires are real and it's causing you some anxiety and depression. It wouldn't be uncommon for this type of OCD to also cause anxiety and depression. (Btw, that link goes to a resource about Sexual Orientation OCD, which is similar but also different to the HOCD that you are describing. It is a more inclusive definition and includes people who are scared that they are lying about or will never figure out their sexuality, which sounds more in line with what you are describing.)

I definitely think therapy could be beneficial in this situation. You mentioned that it would be difficult to access therapy because of your family's finances. Can you confirm that your location is in Trinidad & Tobago? It's possible that there might be some low-cost or even free resources in your area that we could look into.

[Puppylovesball]

I think someone told me I could go to the public hospital near me and I could get help there. They could probably help me from there. The North Central Regional Health Authority (NCRHA). Yes I live in Trinidad and Tobago .

[KierC]

Hi Puppylovesball,

Going to the public hospital sounds like a great start. Are you able to get there for help, or would you like to talk about how to get there/how to ask for help?

[Puppylovesball]

I'll see if I could go there for help thank you all so much for answering my questions and helping me

[Latha]

I'm glad this was helpful, Puppylovesball! Please feel free to ask if you have any more questions. <3