I feel like I deserve to die.

[Hi :)]

I’m 17 now, but a few years ago (when I was 15 I think) I said something really terrible and now I can’t stop feeling like I deserve to die.

Basically, me and my little sister (both autistic) were fighting and I called her the r slur because she punched me in the back of the head. I knew it was a slur at this point in my life but I thought it was okay for me to use it because I’m autistic, too.

A half hour or so after the incident I decided to apologize to her because, even though I didn’t call her that because she’s autistic, I wasn’t sure if she was okay being called that word as an autistic person and I was afraid I might’ve offended her. After that we kind of just moved on and I forgot about it until about a week ago.

Now I feel so guilty about it. I haven’t been able to shower or go to school for like the whole week because I keep on thinking that I deserve to die. I don’t want to have to kill myself, but I’m afraid people will think what I did was unforgivable and that I’ll never deserve to have a happy future because of it. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to have to die before I’m even a legal adult.

[Sam W]

Hi ,

Before you continue with us here, can you take time to call one of the hotlines here and talk to someone: https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/ ... signs.html? I ask that because someone feeling suicidal or that they have to/deserve to die isn't something we're equipped to help with, and I want you to get the support that's best suited to what you need right now, okay? We'll still be here after that call if you want to talk about things like where you are in terms of finding/working with a therapist.

[Hi :)]

Okay. I kind of really just want somebody else’s perspective on what happened. Like did I handle the situation correctly? Is there anything else I can do? And does this make me a bad person?

[Willa]

hi hi,

I can tell this causing you an extreme amount of distress. It seems from your posts here you have a history with ruminating on whether your past actions make you a good or bad person. I want to tell you that every single person has done things they are not proud of, especially when they are younger. It is about learning from these experiences and growing from them that is most important. It is obvious you feel an extreme amount of remorse from this situation, and now know that that word is extremely unkind and hurtful. Your sister may not remember the situation, but you still could talk to her if you feel comfortable enough to apologize for your mistake.

That being said the level of guilt you are feeling and your actions because of it are not healthy, as well as not helpful to you or your sister. You have mentioned you suspect you may have OCD, and I was wondering if you have been able to receive care for this? Or if you would be interested in being connected to some resources? When you get caught in these intense moments of anxiety about specific situations, there are steps we can take to calm ourselves down and reflect on how our brains may be telling us lies such as the fact we are totally bad people or no one will ever forgive us.