Getting back with an Ex who lost her viriginity in between us dating and now

[jonnyw]

I dated this girl for around 8 months and she broke up with me, us both being virigins at the time, she got a new bf after a couple of months and dated him for around 4 months but broke up. We have been talking and hanging out a lot now for the past few months, however she just found out that I didnt know she is no longer a virgin. She is very upset and has apologized but its hard for me dealing with the idea she did something like that so quickly with someone else when we still have never done it, (more to due to me and my morals). I really have enjoyed my time with her and now that I know how should I deal with that because Virginity is something I value. Is this something I should care about or Is it valid for me to be uspet by this.

[Nadine E.]

Hi there jonnyw,

So, to answer your question of whether virginity is something you should care about and if it is valid for you to be upset: You can care about your own virginity if you choose to, but it isn’t valid to be upset about someone else’s sexual experiences outside the context of your relationship. Of course, it is okay to acknowledge that those feelings are coming up for you, but it’s important to unpack them and explore them further - and it’s great that you’re reaching out here to do just that! To that end, I’d like to ask: How do you understand/define “virginity” and why is it something you value?

And are you finding yourself more upset at the fact that she was sexual with someone else at all, or that she had sex for the first time with someone else other than you, or that she’s had sex at all and now is no longer a “virgin” (however you define that for yourself)?

We can often grow up with a lot of ideas around "virginity" and what that means, centered around the notion that the “first time” is inherently a big deal and that it should be saved/protected, or that the first person you’re sexual with creates an exceptionally unique bond. But none of these are necessarily true. I definitely recommend checking out this piece to further explore the concept of “virginity”: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... in_context

Beyond the concept of “virginity” itself, each person gets to define what first-time sex (or any sexual experience) means to them. And it’s important to keep in mind that while we define that for ourselves, we can’t impose or expect that of others, especially in the context of our relationships. We don’t have any authority over our partner’s sexuality during our relationship, and we certainly have no authority over it before or after our relationship with them. That is to say, our exes do not owe us anything related to their sexualities, and the choices of whether and when to be sexual after the relationship has ended is completely up to them. I get how it can feel confusing if someone seems to have moved on quickly, but the speed of dating or being physically intimate with another person after breaking up is not an indication of how much they are cared for us nor does it take away from the relationship that was shared. Does that make sense?