Crush has herpes. Can we kiss?

[rainysky]

So my new crush has told me she has herpes on her mouth. I really wanna be with her and eventually kiss her, but I'm scared I'll get herpes too, which I really don't want. Is it possible for us to somehow kiss without me getting it too?

[Nadine E.]

Hey there rainysky,

Welcome to the boards!

Unfortunately, if she has a herpes outbreak/active sores on her mouth, there is no way to kiss without risking you getting it as well. You'll have to wait until the herpes is no longer active to kiss without risk.

I'd recommend checking out this page with more details about herpes, how it's spread, treated, etc. Let us know if you have any other questions about it!

[rainysky]

According to the page you sent, even when there's not an active outbreak, I'm still risking getting it, even though the risk is considerably smaller. That sounds scary to me and makes me want to not be with her at all because I don't know how to safely show affection. Is there any other way I can show affection safely other than the obvious (hugging, holding hands, safe sex, etc)

[Nadine E.]

Hi rainysky,

Yes, it's true that there is still a smaller risk of getting it, even when the person is asymptomatic. And I get that it can sound scary. We often are told that all STIs are risky and threatening to our health, and there's certainly a lot of stigma and shame surrounding herpes. But the reality is that many people have herpes and in the vast majority of cases, it really isn't a big deal. It's something that we can't control coming into contact with most of the time because many people who have it may not even know about it. And when we know someone has it, we can certainly take precautions when it's active/they have sores, but otherwise, there really isn't much else to do about it. It's important not to treat someone differently because of having it, especially if they shared it with you because that means they trust you.

There are certainly many ways to show affection physically and safely, including the ways you mentioned above. And it's great to do those things if the person is having an outbreak (and with safer sex and using barrier methods, that's generally great to do at any time). But beyond that, it's also okay to kiss once the sores are gone.

Does that all make sense? And how does that all sound?

The same piece I shared gives more details and information about how common herpes is, and how important educating ourselves can be to help manage our anxieties around it. So it's definitely great that you're reaching out and seeking more information.

[rainysky]

Thank you, that makes sense