(TW COSCA) Unsure if this is possibly that or not.

[JimmyJim]

To explain things better, as a child around the age of either 6 or 7, I was sexually abused by another kid who was older than me, he showed me pornography and tried to do it to me for years it lasted until it stopped when I was 10 or 11. I am unsure if I did it to another kid but I feel deep regret and remorse, I asked him to dry hump me if we could try it out for fun, (as I thought it was a way of bonding) we both were just children and didn’t know any better especially me because it was happening to me at the time. I was very young when it was happening and I thought it was normal. Lately it has been making feel ill and sick unable to stop thinking about it. As a child I had no malice intent, but I’m not sure if this considered to be cosca or just curiosity with another child who didn’t know any better. I plan to get therapy soon but whenever I feel ready.

[Latha]

Hi Jimmy Jim, welcome to the boards!

It must be very painful to think that you might have hurt someone, especially since you've experienced abuse too. I hope we can help, because as I understand it, what happened between you and the other kid does not sound like sexual abuse.

Let's talk about COCSA for a moment.

COCSA usually involves some kind of force or coercion on the part of the abuser. There is often a significant gap in age, ability, or understanding between the participants, and it doesn't stop when one person indicates that they are uncomfortable or would rather do something else. As Sam noted in a recent thread on this subject, COCSA is like other kinds of assault or abuse in that it involves one person deciding that their desires are more important than another person's comfort and consent.

I don't think this describes what happened between you and the other kid. You suggested dry humping because you thought it would be fun and because you wanted to bond with them. It doesn't sound like actively pushed them to try it with no regard for what they wanted. You were still very young, and you didn't have the context you needed to understand the usual implications of this activity. In fact, you were just imitating what you had seen or experienced- we know this happens with children who have been abused or have learnt about sex in some other way. You didn't have bad intentions, so this does just seem like a child's curiosity.

What do you think of this?

[JimmyJim]

Hello! I fully agree with you! I really appreciate hearing this as it does help me feel better. I do think of it now as child curiosity as I was just intimating what happened to me as a child. Thank you very much.