Confused about what I want

[staysoft]

I've started uni this year and something I was really looking forward to was getting to meet new people, experiment, date more, etc, but now I just feel really confused about what I want.

I'm currently in what I guess I could call a situationship with a guy I met about a month ago - R. R's a lovely guy and I really enjoy spending time with him - I've managed to be more open with him than I have with anyone in ages, and we're sometimes physically affectionate with each other which I appreciate because I haven't had that in ages, and we flirt a lot, especially when we go out. A couple of weeks ago R told me he has a crush on me and since then he's been very open about it and compliments me a lot, but neither of us wants to date at the moment. For him, it's because he's having a really rough time with his mental health at the moment, but I'm not exactly sure why I don't want to date him - sometimes I think it's just because I don't find him physically attractive, and sometimes I think it's just because I'm not interested in dating at all, but I'm struggling to work out what my actual feelings around dating are and what I should do in my situationship with this guy.

I've considered a lot that I might not actually want to date in general and might just be feeling social pressure to date as since coming to uni I've just not really met anyone I want to date, and I had a lot of conversations with friends that made me feel like when I got to uni I would meet loads of people who I would be interested in. I've just also been more concerned with my studies than dating, and I've wondered a lot about if there wasn't a social pressure to date, if I would be interested in it at all.

But I've also considered that I might just have not met anyone I'm into yet, but that doesn't mean I won't. I go to a fairly small uni and I think it was unrealistic to expect to meet someone straight away, and I had crushes before coming to uni, so I'm pretty sure I'm not aromantic - I know that for me wanting to date can be pretty tied to having a specific person I'm attracted to, so it might just be a case of not having met the person yet.

In this vein, I've been thinking I want to carry on trying to meet people and being open to dating, like for example taking part in a speed dating event that's happening in a couple of months. This feels really awkward to me, though, because even though R and I aren't officially a couple, it feels like I would be breaking some unwritten rule by being interested in other people, and I'd feel awkward going to events to find people when I know he has a crush on me. For example, I'm thinking about going to a social where the theme is 'dress as your type' that he's probably not going to and trying to talk to some new people, but I've started feeling awkward about it because R said if he was going he would ask to borrow my clothes. A lot of our physical affection has felt pretty romantic to me, and even though we agreed to carry on lighthearted flirting because it's fun, his flirting often feels painfully sincere and I get the sense he really likes me.

I've started to feel a bit uncomfortable about how close mine and R's relationship is but I really don't want to hurt his feelings and I want us to carry on being friends, and I like his compliments and flirting because it makes me feel good about myself, even though I realise that's pretty selfish. He's been really struggling with his mental health at the moment and I've been trying to be there for him as much as I can and I know he really appreciates that, but I think I need more distance in our friendship because it just feels like it's veering into the romantic and I know I don't want to date him. I don't really know how to go about working out what I want because I find it so difficult to differentiate between my own wants and social expectations, and I also feel like I'm never gonna know if I don't try.

I mostly just wanted to try and get this out and it has helped to just write it all down, but if you have any advice, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

[CaitlinEve]

Hello staysoft,

If I may ask, what's your ideal outcome in this situation? If everything went exactly according to what you want, what would it look like? Maybe thinking about that could help you sort through some stuff in your mind, specifically with R.

It's great that you're trying to be there for him! But you also should take yourself and your mental health into account. Even if you were in a romantic relationship, it's important to be able to focus on yourself and your needs sometimes as well. Don't date him or hold out on dating in general to save his feelings, because in the long run neither of you will be happy with that.

Would you feel comfortable talking with R about this more in-depth?

[staysoft]

I think I've realised that my ideal outcome is just that R and I are just friends and all of the flirting and physical affection stops, because it's all started feeling really intense and romantically charged and I don't want that kind of relationship with him. I know I probably need to have a proper conversation with him and tell him our relationship has started making me feel really uncomfortable, but I just don't know how best to do that without hurting his feelings. I know that in the short term I want some distance and to kind of limit our physical closeness, but I also know that's gonna mean he loses part of his support system at uni. I think I'm going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about it and see if they have any specific advice for how to approach it.

[aarija]

Hey staysoft,

I think you're on the right track. Having a conversation with him to set some boundaries is a great first step to meeting your own needs while maintaining a friendship with R. I also love that you're planning to talk to a mutual friend to prepare yourself.

I hear that you're worried about his support system - is this mutual friend a part of that system? can y'all talk about what it might look like for them and others to fill in while you get some space?

These conversations are difficult to have because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Unfortunately, the longer we avoid them, the more it will hurt later on for all parties involved. You're doing the right thing by confronting your feelings and by taking the steps to communicate them.