I don't feel anything sexually and I am confused

[Bowler]

I mean, I feel what I believe is horniness. Can't really be much else. I go to do my business, but it's just so.. mundane, I guess? I don't know. I'm trans and AFAB, which doesn't help matters. But unless like, the depressiveness of it all is impacting how I physically feel pleasure, I don't know how much that'd factor into it. I do all the right things, I find the g-state or whatever, I physically feel my body calm down, but I just don't feel any sense of fulfillment or chemical joy from it. I dunno what I'm doing wrong. It's worse when I try just masturbating as a means of relieving boredom, but I guess that's to be assumed lmao. There's just a shocking lack of physical sensitivity to work with in general. I don't think I've ever gotten off through the clit at all. Like even when horny I just, it's a 5 minute, done, thing. And I love finishing fast, but I don't really get chemical relief, it's just my body physically calming down a bit.

And in the past I've managed but I just literally feel nothing 99% of the time, and I don't understand it.

[KierC]

Hey Bowler!

I want to share some ideas that might help you understand a bit of how your body is feeling during masturbation currently, and may in turn give you some ideas on what might make masturbation feel more pleasurable.

Sexual pleasure is multivariate: Your mindset, the thoughts going though go your head, the amount of stimuli you have to process in your environment and how those register to you; these are all variables that can impact your experience of sexual response during masturbation. Even if you can still experience arousal and orgasm, the stimuli going on in your environment and inside of you can either enhance pleasure, or it can make things feel a bit dampened or mundane, as you’re experiencing. With this idea in mind, it might be helpful to think about two things: 1) what sort of environment or space in which you approach masturbation? and 2) what thoughts or feelings come to mind when you go to masturbate?

I hear you say that there’s an element of depressiveness you experience with masturbation, and I also hear you say that being trans and AFAB doesn’t help. Can you say more about what you mean by this? Are you experiencing dysphoria when you masturbate, or are there different thoughts that come to mind when you approach masturbation? The way you feel when you masturbate can absolutely impact your experience of sexual pleasure, and we can certainly talk about things you can do to reach a mental space that may be more amenable to feeling full pleasure.

I want to touch on something else you said, too: that you’re doing all the right things. Truthfully, there’s no right or wrong way to masturbate: this advice column has some helpful examples of this idea — there’s SO many ways folks enjoy stimulating their genitals and other erogenous zones. While it’s common for folks to experience pleasure from clitoral stimulation or G-spot stimulation, for others it may not be so simple! Sometimes incorporating multiple erogenous zones (including the nipples, ears, belly, back, etc. etc.) in combination with genital stimulation helps folks reach full pleasure.

Lastly, I hear you that masturbation just feels like a meh thing right now. But I want to invite you to reframe this a bit if it helps to do so: I hear you that it doesn’t feel *so amazing* right now, but I also hear you that it calms your body down and relieves boredom. Those measurable pleasures to delight in, so I want to invite you to focus on those feelings of relaxation that you do feel! Focusing on what *does* feel good about masturbation might actually help you reconnect with your body and feel more intense sensation during masturbation. I want to say, too, plenty of folks masturbate to relieve boredom and stress; and even if it accomplishes that just a little bit, I consider that time well-spent, you know?

[Bowler]

1) I mostly just give it a go in my room or the bathroom. I've never understood the candles and velvet sheet stereotype. (is that a real thing or just something niche for folks who enjoy it?)
2) I dunno, I used to have like. Audiobooks or something? I try focusing on those, I try focusing on the words that make my stomach flip. Just repeating them over and over until I hope something happens.

I wasn't sure if depression would like, make the chemicals stop working in your brain, the ones supposed to make you feel good, which was why I mentioned it. I mean it dulls all other positive emotions right? Would sexual pleasure be any different? I wasn't sure if that was just my problem and it was the end of the convo lol.

I sort of tried the erogenous zones, or at least the ones that appealed? I dunno lmao. Like some things just don't mentally do it for me. There's a toy or two that look like they could make it enjoyable, at least somewhat, but they're also $300 so out of my budget for a long while :p

[Anya]

Hi Bowler,

responding in the order you wrote your post,

1) As cliche as it may seem, everyone experiences sexuality and masturbation differently, and what might make no difference to one person might be the ultimate turn-on for someone else, so although silky sheets and candles don't do it for you, it definitely might for others. There's more behind that stereotype though than one might think. Candles, comfy sheets, and turning the lights down low might make an environment comfortable, sensual, and inviting in a way that helps relax the brain and center your whole body and mind around experiencing nice, pleasurable things. Even if those examples don't connect with you specifically, it's a pretty useful skill to experiment with different relaxing methods that signal to your brain "Now it's time for some fun!", and that can really look like anything. Listening to specific music, watching something steamy, reading an arousing book, letting your imagination run wild, or eating specific food to make a few.

2) it sounds like you have already identified something that feels good to you, in book form, and that's great! I would definitely lean into something like that to bring that arousal out of hiding.

3) Depression sure can impact sexuality, desire, and arousal in many ways If you're taking medication that can heavily disrupt physical sensation and mentality, but even if you're not medicated, depression affects your production of serotonin and other chemicals, often making it much harder to get the right release of those chemicals when you really want them like when you want to feel aroused or sexual. You're absolutely right to wonder if it "dulls" sensation because unfortunately, it can. There are tons of ways of dealing with this though, even if some of the suggestions like change in environment (silky sheets) seem hokey. To make this clear: depression is not the end of your sexuality and pleasure as a whole. There are new things to try all the time and even just changing our perception of things like our bodies, how our day went, who we're crushing on, and things like that can dramatically change our physical body response.

You also mentioned that you're a trans man, and if you're taking testosterone, that can be another inhibitor of sexual arousal. It would most likely be a temporary thing, and something your body can work out in time, but its something to note. I wonder if Kier was also onto something with the dysphoria subject? if we have to come in contact with genitals that we don't have positive feelings about, that can impact how pleasurable masturbation can be as well. How do you feel about your body? Do you think that could play a role?

I totally get wanting to buy a sex toy to aid some of the lack of sensation. And it is so unfortunate so many of them are expensive! I will say that there are brands out there that are definitely less expensive than $300 average, but its tricky. I like the erogenous zones idea though! feeling our bodies outside of our genitals to produce a sexual or sensual response is a great way to increase stimulation. Even touching parts of our face, hands, hips, and places that are non-sexual but still sensitive can be helpful.

Does all of that make sense?

[Bowler]

1) Interesting, so a calming environment generally helps, that's something that I never really considered before.. At least with what it means for me lol. I'll explore more of that then.

3) Ah yeah! that explains a lot!

I am not a trans man. It's just a personal peeve of mine for folks to assume that, please do avoid it in the future if you can. (Perhaps trans masculine would be the term you're looking for? More transition related than gender.) (I just don't like assumptions.)

...I am, however, trans, and very dysphoric. But there isn't really anything to do about it until I get bottom surgery or HRT so I just kind of try ignoring the subject, y'know? I've looked into every position and stance and I try imagining things and gaslighting myself.... nothing really relieves the dysphoria stress of it all so I just do my best to ignore it as being a factor to begin with. There's not much to be done about it, it's been years of looking. The only thing I can really think of is the $300 toy, which is $300 because it's entirely unique.
Like I would love to think there's some way to manage the dysphoria of it all, but I don't think there really is. So I focus on what I can change.

[aarija]

Hey Bowler,
Focusing on what is within your control is a great approach! I want to reiterate what Anya and KierC said about environment - setting the scene can go a long way in helping your body enter a more sensual state.

I also want to emphasize that it is really common to experience the kind of mundane vibe you have been feeling with masturbation, regardless of gender. Repeating the same routine over and over can really dull the sensation and it doesn't provide anything new for your body to experience. Interrupting that pattern with a changed, more relaxed setting will also heighten your senses. your body will be a bit more curious about what's going on.

There's plenty of ways to 'set the mood' and different things work for different folks and I am glad to hear that you'll look into it!