i don’t like who i am as a person

[finde13]

im very new to this forum, in fact this is my first post, so i dont really know how to say this or where this should go, but i’ll give it a shot.

i’m too young for my life right now. it feels weird talking about myself here when i know that everyone’s a lot older than me, but i hope there’s someone that can offer some help. i’m only 13, and i already feel so bad saying that because i know im not going to get the help i need, but i guess i can at least try.

i was always smarter that everyone else. i was doing work a grade above me in school because my teachers noticed how everything was too easy for me. so, my mom went to the school principal and asked if it was possible for me to skip up a grade. i didn’t take 3rd grade.

now im a freshman in high school, and everyone else in my grade is a year or two older than me. i feel excluded and pressured to fit in, even though there’s nothing i can do about my age. i’m constantly conflicted about whether to tell people my real age or lie and say im a year older just to fit in. it’s becoming such a big problem in my life that im genuinely worried about myself for the future.

still, im in all the hardest classes and outperforming many of the people that i know. i hate being smart, because im different from everyone else and whenever i talk about my life it feels like im bragging.

i know this isnt the best place to post this. i know everyone’s probably going to look at this and see how young i am and say “they don’t belong here, they’re way too young”. and if that’s you then that’s fine, it’s what i would expect anyways. but if there’s someone who can give me any advice, any at all, i really do need it. thanks <3

[CaitlinEve]

Hi finde13, welcome to Scarleteen!

I want to start off by saying that you do belong here, as long as you want to belong! We try to be a resource available to people like you who need help or support. Your age does not disqualify you from seeking resources here!

That being said, I can totally see your perspective and understand your struggle. It can be really hard to feel like you fit in in normal high-school situations, let alone when you're younger than everybody. May I ask if you've experienced discrimination or bullying for your age? Or is this mostly centered around anxiety that you will someday?

Being smart can really suck sometimes. But you are who you are, and you shouldn't feel the need to change that to fit in. The truth is that nobody feels like they fit in, because we're all different individual people. I'm sure there are people in your class who feel they don't fit in for the opposite reasons; maybe they were held back a grade or are failing classes and feel that that excludes/pressures them. I don't mean to invalidate your feelings; I mean to validate them because you are absolutely NOT alone in feeling like this.

[finde13]

first off, thank you- i didn’t even really think there would be anyone willing to help, especially so quickly.

yes, i was bullied a lot for my age in middle school. i was not only younger but i was always shorter and less socially mature than everyone, which made me subject to a lot of pressure from other people. i guess a lot of that probably carries over as i don’t want to have that repeated.

but mainly, i don’t want people to hear my age and think “wow they’re really young, what are they doing here?” even if it’s just in their head and they don’t say it out loud, it makes me uncomfortable to know that people would be thinking that. so i’m conflicted, mostly about whether i should tell people my real age or make something up, which ive already done for a few people and now i feel bad about it

[CaitlinEve]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with bullying. I'm sure that that's the cause of at least some of your anxiety. Even in people where the bullying itself didn't feel like it had a big lasting impact, the brain and body remember the experience. It makes sense that you don't want to go through that again!

Although it wasn't explicitly in school, I can relate to what you talk about. I started working as soon as I was legally able to and my first job was at a place where the next youngest person was still over a decade older than me. It definitely isolates you. I would describe it as a sort of imposter syndrome; the feeling that you don't fit in or belong.

As for your main dilemma; what do YOU feel the most comfortable with? Lying about your age wouldn't make you a bad person or be a bad thing to do, so you shouldn't feel bad about doing it. Honestly, it all depends on your comfort level. Does the discomfort of lying outweigh the discomfort of your anxiety regarding how people would see you? Are people outright asking you your age?

[finde13]

i’m not sure what i feel the most comfortable with, but i think it’s telling the truth about it. trying to lie to people feels too risky, especially because if they do find out my real age that would be an awkward conversation that i don’t want to have. and yes, people are directly asking my age- which is the one question i wish they wouldn’t ask about me.

now im anxious about what i can do about the few people i did lie to. theyre my robotics teammates and i see them almost every day, they’re the closest to friends i have and yet i lied about a pretty major thing to them. i dont know how it’ll come across if i try to come clean with them, especially because robotics is the place where i feel the most like an outsider for my age (because most of the members are seniors).

thanks again for your support, it really is helpful to know there’s someone who supports me

[CaitlinEve]

You don't have to make up your mind right now! You can take some time to process your decision and what you want to do.

I don't think you need to feel too much anxiety about coming clean, though. I think it's most likely that they'll understand; especially if you feel comfortable explaining the reasoning to them. You mention most of the members are seniors, but they've all been freshmen before and know what it felt like to be an outsider and new to the 'environment' of high school, even if they may not have started as young as you did.

[finde13]

so, i took today to really think about it and i didn’t like what i thought of, even though it’s probably the best idea

i’m likely going to just wait, hope they forget, and if they don’t i’ll come clean to them when it becomes necessary. i don’t like holding onto lies and secrets like that but i guess it’s necessary for this- also i couldn’t bring myself to admit it now basically no matter what.

they’d understand if i came clean to them, i know they would understand, but i have anxiety over not knowing how they’ll react to it initially which is what’s keeping me from telling them.

again thanks everyone for supporting me <3

[Jacob]

Hey finde!

I just wanted to add some words of support; it sounds like you've been plunged into a difficult situation, and did what you could to feel safe in a new environment, and I don't think you have anything to feel bad about.

I'll also say that even though you haven't given 100% accurate information, withholding your real age to your schoolmates doesn't really hurt anyone - I don't think you're doing anything wrong, and in some ways this could be considered private information which you decided to keep safe. At the very least, we know you made the best decision you could for the time and how you were feeling.

All this to say, although it might be pretty useful to tell your friends what happened, before they find out some other way, I do think you can take it easy on yourself on the fact of not having told them... I also think you have a perfectly good explanation when you do tell them.

Does any of that help at all for now, or for finding the words when you need them later on?