I feel so confused

[TaylorJames]

Hey Scarleteen,

I had coffee with a friend earlier and we chatted about sex and sexual relationships and sexuality..
I have some desires and i want to talk about them but I feel weird saying them out loud so I have always felt safe here and have always felt listened to and understood..

I am lesbian though I prefer the word gay. I was married to a man many years ago and then left him for a woman.. I got divorced from her this year but had a relationship with a woman during the divorce.. the sex was mind-blowing but she was married and I broke it off after a couple of months. In these few months I realised some things about my sexual desires which confuses me a bit ..
I crave someone over me on top of me, I crave the weight of someone on me and at the same time in me .. I love the sensation of being penetrated but also someone over me.. I loved the sight of my girlfriend over me her naked body, I also loved the sight of my wife over me I love the sight of the female body.. it's the most beautiful thing in the world to me.. what I missed was the penetration at the same time.. that's why I wanted to have sex with a strap on so badly.. we never got to it and I still don't own one but I fantasize about it all the time..
Maybe it's the weight of someone on me is like a deep pressure like a massage..
I want it so much.. is that weird?

I want it to be a woman though.. I have come to terms that I prefer women.. I remember I preferred my ex husband to fuck me from behind and I could never understand why.. cause I loved having my ex wife and girlfriend over me but they were beautiful to me.. I loved their Bodies.. it was so gorgeous for me.. and when they were orgasming they were even more beautiful..

As what a man isn't beautiful to me in actual fact I am replused everything just puts me off..

I want to have sex for hours on end that's also one of the reasons why I prefer woman. I was just never satisfied when I was with a man .. it was over so quickly and then I watched porn and masturbated and then I felt bad and wrong and fucked up..
Is that weird or is it normal.. I was talking to colleagues and they were telling me that their men last so much longer that they sometimes wish they would just end.. as I have never experienced a man like that.. and I was so sad that day after that conversation. I felt that I have been robbed and lied to.. I have always believed that men just don't last..

Sometimes I would say the phrase I should fuck it out of you like rough sex beats you into submission.. I don't know if that is wrong or weird or not loving..
I let my ex husband fuck me..
I wanted my girlfriend to fuck me quiet like a 50 shades of grey violent vibe. . My ex-wife was very gentle in bed though.. she never did, I wanted her to do it but she was so gentle and loving.. it confused me..
And now I worry that violence have been a turn on for me.. that really worries me..

I struggled to lubricate with both my ex husband and wife.. I really struggled to orgasm with both of them two but for different reasons..
My ex husband it was too quick.. my ex-wife fucked with me psychologically which left me fearful and then I struggled to orgasm I struggled to focus on her..

With my girlfriend I could just think of her and I orgasmed.. I felt safe with her and I lubricated easily.. I was also so wet and so turned on.. just still thinking of her turns me on.. talking about her turns me on.. we have broken contact but I miss her so much..

I don't know how long a man should last if it is healthy.. my ex husband never lasted long.. I realise now that he watched porn probably and maybe that's why he came quite quickly.. I would encourage him to jerk off before and then have sex with me afterwards so he lasts longer.. I wanted sex more than he did I think.. I felt like he had more power than me.. I felt helpless and I felt wrong.. I knew that I didn't find him so attractive even though he was a very attractive man.. I always longed for female touch..

He used to get so angry and upset with other stuff and then he would fuck me till he felt better.. I never felt nice after and it left me just unsatisfied and horny and lonely.. but I thought it helped him so I just let it..
We did have sex sometimes when it was good and I felt seen and wanted..
I was sexually assaulted a few years ago in a house robbery, when the men assaulted me all I kept saying to myself was that I have been through this before.. only a few weeks ago did I realise that, that wasn't normal that I viewed sex with my exhusband in the same light as men who broke into our house and wanted to assault me... Since I realised this I have been disturbed and so bothered and worry by it.. I've felt physically ill and really feel depressed..

I am fearful of a man though.. I don't long for a man .. but I do want the penetration.. at times I obsessed over having sex with a strap on.. I googled it daily and googled different strap ons and porn with a strap on..

Why am I so obsessed with it.. this needs to have sex with a strap on but not with a man confuses me so much..

I thought I would reach out on Scarleteen and hear what you guys think of this whole thing ..

Maybe you can give me a different view or some different insights into my needs and desires..

[Jacob]

Hi TaylorJames!

I don't think there's anything strange about any of the desires you've described.

The one thing I notice though, is that you seem to heavily link certain kinds of sex, duration of sex, and sexual feelings with certain genders... and I don't think that's going to be very helpful to you. Every partner you have is going to have a different approach and experiences with sex, and these are all things you're going to discover anew on a case-by-case basis, with any partner of any gender.

It can also be alarming to find that feelings you have during an assault are familiar to feelings you had in consensual, but unhappy past sexual experiences, and those are certainly observations to pay attention to when you're processing what happened.

I wouldn't look at those reactions as "normal" or "not normal" - The reason they're worth paying attention to is because they're real and you're feeling them, not because of how they do or don't align to some idea of "normal".

Have you ever had therapy or support around the robbery & assaults? That definitely seems like the kind of thing some extra help could be good for!

[TaylorJames]

I've been told before that I don't need to link certain types of sex with certain genders. I'm working that out. I guess I'm working that out right now. This time of year has left me thinking and asking lots of questions like I think more maybe just cause I have time on my hands that I don't usually have.

Also this time of year I question where I am at and where I am going. What I want and what I believe in.

I want to be sexually happy. I want to be many other things but they aren't as complicated or controversial as sexual desire.

I live in quite a conservative culture and being gay is already pushing boundaries. But now I am a gay woman who enjoys sex. I don't think my close friends think of me as super controversial but I feel out and off and different. And my temperament likes to be liked and understood. Although I guess that's a basic human needs.

Anyway. After the coffee I had with a friend I started asking many questions. I then had coffee today again but with a much closer friend who I wanted to talk to about this and I just couldn't get the words over my lips. I couldn't bring the conversation up and now I regret not saying anything but this does give me time to refine what I am thinking.

Actually let me rather ask. Does Scarleteen have resources or articles on sexual desire, or where can I read and learn about what I want and need and where to get it and how to process it?

Oh ya different answer, I have had quite a bit of therapy around the robbery and assault but just as I think I have worked it through a deeper level of feelings arise. Or I stumble into a new insight or trauma that is linked to it..

[TaylorJames]

I read another post on the message boards it is titled I have a low libido because of rape and my partner a high libido" it was posted just before or after my post and Heather answered it. She spoke about enjoying sex but not necessarily it being intercourse but that sex is so much more than intercourse.. I will follow that post but could you tell me more about that or like what does she mean?

I have battled with sex and I like having it but it was hurtful with my ex husband and lonely with my wife and I enjoyed it with my girlfriend but that didn't last ..

I just want to make sense of it.. I want to make sense of what I want and whether it is ok to want it, you know..

[KierC]

Hey there TaylorJames,

I hear you that you’re thinking deeply about different aspects of your life toward the end of the year — I think a lot of folks find comfort in looking back on life at this time of year in an effort to learn things for the year ahead, so you are not alone in reflecting. It sounds like, in thinking about your life, the topic of sexual desire and sexual satisfaction or happiness has come up, and you want to make sense of the things you’ve experienced and how you feel sexually. When you spoke to one friend about this, how did the conversation go? And when you were feeling nervous to talk to your other friend about it, can you say a little more about what made you nervous?

I want to send some of our articles on sexual desire, too, and see if any of these sound helpful to you in understanding what you like.

I want to start with this article, How To Get Comfortable, because it addresses the discomfort that can arise while you explore and reflect on your sexuality. A part of this article I really like is the suggestion of writing out people or experiences you’ve enjoyed sexually, not to label yourself with anything, but to identify any themes in things that make you feel good.

Next, here is our article that defines sexual desire, and situates it within the whole sexual response cycle: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A User’s Guide

I like this article too, it defines sexual desire in more depth, and can help you understand when something feels good for you, what to do about it, and how to communicate about it: How To Understand, Identify, and Make Choices About Sexual Desire


To answer your question about what the other thread was about when Heather mentioned that sex doesn’t have to just mean intercourse, I believe they were referring to the idea that, when we talk about “sex,” we refer to an expansive range of activities, things people can do alone or together to express their sexuality and that make them feel good. So, while for some folks that can be accomplished through insertive sex with penises and vaginas, for plenty of folks sex looks very different. Heather wrote a great article on this topic, too: What’s Sex?, defining what “sex” is, and giving a bunch of examples that folks can have sex.

Ok that was a lot of articles and information, so I’ll pause there for now. But, going through those, if you have any questions or thoughts, or if reading those brings up more questions, we’re here for you. How does that all sound to you?

One last thing: I hear you that you’ve done therapy for the robbery and assault, and that new and deeper feelings come up sometimes. Have you continued therapy recently, or is restarting therapy to process when new insights come in something you’d like to do?

[Jacob]

Just tacking onto what Kier said: it's good to hear you know what to work on! Coffee with friends is an underappreciated space for community, reflection and support so I am really happy you've had that.

I've learnt that we work through different aspects of past trauma at different times in our lives, and it's very common to have things feel like they come back around again (and again and again!) It is good to remind ourselves that asking for help, or seeking therapy again isn't a step backwards, it's just another step forwards, even if it's a step you weren't expecting to take again!

This might be an interesting exercise for you to do more generally: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

There's also always the search function on our site too - you can let us know if you find anything helpful there!