Taking too long to cum

[Nadia91]

Hi,

It takes me 25 minutes to cum on average when I'm touching my clit. That worries me because it feels like too long. I mean at some point during the 25 min i have to stop and start because the feeling gets too much and my legs just shut. I'm not looking to buy any toys or try penetration.

[KierC]

Hi Nadia,

I want to start by saying that what you’re experiencing is not abnormal. There’s not really an “average” or normal time it takes a person to reach orgasm, and plenty of folks take 25 minutes or even longer to reach orgasm. I wouldn’t say it’s a cause for worry, but it sounds like you feel like it’s too long. Could you say a little more about why this worries you? Is the time it takes bothersome for you, or are you more worried about how long it “should” be taking?

I want to say, too, if you ever feel like the sensation is too much and you need to take a break before you start again, that’s okay! It may be worth considering, too, how you feel during other parts of masturbation leading up to orgasm. Do you feel like you’re rushing towards the finish line, so-to-speak, or are there other thoughts you have that are bothersome?

[Nadia91]

I'm worried because what if someone I'm with thinks I'm taking too long?
Sometimes I feel like I need to make myself finish which obviously pushes the orgasm away, sometimes I end up with random songs in my head.
Even when with someone I find it difficult just not getting in my head.

[KierC]

Ah, yes! I understand you’re concerned about partners thinking you’re taking too long to orgasm. It can be really nerve-wracking sometimes when you feel like you need to orgasm in a certain timeframe, let alone doing so for somebody else. Honestly, if a partner were rushing you into orgasm or making you feel like you’re not reaching orgasm fast enough, that’s maybe not the most understanding partner, know what I mean? Orgasm is not a performance for anybody, and it’s not something that “needs” to happen before sex stops. But I see what you mean about the expectation of orgasm perhaps getting in the way of actually having the orgasm, where feeling like you need to finish makes it harder to actually finish. Here’s an article that might provide a helpful perspective with this:

Sexual Response & Orgasm: A User’s Guide: This article illustrates that there are multiple phases of sexual response, orgasm being just one, brief phase. Taking orgasm out of focus, instead just appreciating any pleasurable feelings that arise throughout all the phases of sexual response, may help to ease the feeling that orgasm is the most important part.

I also want to ask, can you identify any reasons why you feel pressure to orgasm? Sometimes it can help to identify the source(s) of the pressure and better examine it from there.

[Nadia91]

Well earlier I messaged a guy which seemed to have triggered my worry. Basically 18 months back he went down, got my legs seriously shakey, my body very warm but then I didn't cum, but then he made a comment of being down there for 30 minutes, and that seems to have stuck.

Also I compare myself to him as he doesn't have any issues at all. I mean when he's in the mood, nothing at all distracts him. But with me, I've just really started to cum last year. I mean I did cum a few times the year before, bt I guess seeing him or hearing him over the phone made me initially think there's something wrong with me when I wasn't cumming at all.

[KierC]

Agh, I’m so sorry to hear that comment was made to you. If a partner is giving you oral and they become tired or want to stop, they could just say that and stop. It’s nobody’s place to make comments about how long it takes you to reach orgasm.

I’ll say, too, there are plenty of people out there who do enjoy giving oral sex for longer sessions, or enjoy taking a break and coming back to it. Good partners will understand that sex isn’t a race to orgasm, it can rather be more like a leisurely walk with intermittent breaks and running around here and there… analogy aside, my point is that sex can be a lot more exploratory and fun than racing to an orgasm.

How does hearing all that make you feel?

[Nadia91]

I get that it can be fun, I mean logically I understand it. But emotionally it's different. I mean I become stressed and overthink masterbation now and it's funny because I never made any kind of comments to him.

[KierC]

I hear you that in practice it feels different. What does it feel like emotionally to you?

It sounds like this guy’s comments stung a bit. It can feel really stressful to be rushed, or to have someone expect an involuntary response to happen in their timeframe; and even more crappy when it’s with something intimate and personal like sexual response. I’m wondering if it might be helpful to do some activities to briefly distance yourself from the expectation of orgasm, perhaps both during masturbation and in your regular life by doing things that feel good in your body. How do you feel about that, and are there things you like to do that might help reconnect with the good feelings?

[Nadia91]

what do you mean?