Thoughts of having kids

[SilverFalcon92]

This is something I have been thinking about for a while. I know this is something I shouldn’t be worried about, but I have been thinking about this topic for a while now. I never really cared about having kids. This isn’t a goal for me in life. If I ever had kids it would only be 1. I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. One thing I won’t do is be poor and have kids. I think it’s fucked up to have kids when you are not financially stable enough to take care of one. I don’t know if that’s just me.

[Latha]

Hi there, SilverFalcon92!

I wouldn't say this is something you shouldn't think about. You're allowed to consider the kind of life you want to have and whether you want kids--these questions can be complex, so it is important to take time to think about them when you don't feel pressure to make a decision. As it is, if you've thought about it and decided that having children isn't a goal for you in life, that is perfectly acceptable.

I think a lot of people care about being financially stable enough to raise any children they have, just as you do. It is fair for you to look at that and decide that you won't have kids unless you are sure your finances will support them. But because these questions are so complex, I think there is a lot of room for someone to look at them with the best intentions and make that calculation differently than you have. How much money is required to support a child? How will your finances look in 2, 5, or 15 years? And money is not the only factor someone may have in mind when they make this decision--there are positive motivations for having children.

Something that guides my thoughts on this question is my commitment to being pro-choice. To me, philosophically, that isn't just the right to choose to have an abortion, but also the right to choose to become pregnant, to raise children, or to have them be adopted in some form. I want us to develop the political and social circumstances that would support people in exercising their bodily autonomy, and allow them to make the childcare decisions that are best suited to any children they have and guardians/caregivers of all kinds. That means we have to think of financial stability as more than the result of the decisions of individuals--we need to build systems that help people gain and maintain financial stability.

How does that sound to you?

[Heather]

One thing I won’t do is be poor and have kids. I think it’s fucked up to have kids when you are not financially stable enough to take care of one.

I want to also make sure that someone makes clear that this is a statement that does not consider the realities of pregnancy and poverty and is pretty unsensitive to poor people. For one, we don't live in a world where everyone gets a choice about becoming pregnant -- because of things like sexual assault and lack of access to effective and affordable contraception and accurate sex education -- and what your income is or is not is also not simply a choice. How much income we have to work with is often generational -- many of us who grew up poor, for example, did because our forebears grew up poor or even poorer, and realistically, most of us will only, in a lifetime, be able to increase our incomes slightly more than our parents, if we can even do that. The idea that only people who come from at least enough generational wealth to not be poor in their reproductive years should be having children is classist. As well, people's economic situations change all the time, and there are plenty of people who started out with more money but then lost jobs or homes, were unable to get the governmental/cultural/familial support they needed to to raise their children, or even had children who just turned out to cost way more than expected, due to things like chronic illness or disability.

Some of this might simply be so far outside your own life experience at this point -- I don't imagine you have many friends who have been parents at your age, or the ability to have in-depth talks with a diversity of parents. Hopefully, in time, you can soften some to be more tolerant of other people's life experiences. Just please be aware that you're in a public community space here, so low-income parents or those of us raised by them are here reading these kinds of statements when you make them.