Vent/advise about sexual shame

[qg21tfio]

I am new to this forum so I aplogise if I posted this in the wrong section or anywhere.


I recently had this memory come back to me when I was 13 years old -

When I was 13, I was in my room on my phone when my Dad called my name in a tone I knew I was in trouble. He found out about my masterbating habit by finding the cum stained toilet paper I binned at the bathroom - He then slapped me and called me a bast##d for it. To this day I never talked about sexual health to my parents and rely on the internet and my friends for advise.

There is something I also want to get off my chest. A few months ago my younger sister discovered I had a p##n addiction by looking through my phone (I gave her since she wanted to know what ebook app i used). She found the freedom from p##n ebook I was reading and was upset I kept it a secret. To this day I never watched porn or looked at model pics at instagram.

The reason I want to let this out because I feel sick and ashamed of what I done. I also want to know how my dad could handled finding out my masterbating habit differently.

If anyone could reply and give me advise then that would be great.

[Amanda B]

Hi qg21tfio,

Thank you for trusting us with this information. I'm so sorry you've experienced shame from family members over very common expressions of sexuality. I'll start by saying masturbation is a healthy way to experience pleasure and explore one's sexuality. Many people have the same experience of relying on the internet or friends for advice around sex. I'm glad you've found our site because I'm sure we can fill in some gaps where other sources could not. I'll provide some resources regarding just how okay it is to masturbate. If this isn't what you're looking for, feel free to disregard! Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.) and Impurity Culture: Masturbation Is Self-Care.

With regard to porn addiction, we try to be careful when using the word addiction. Porn is a complicated thing. There is quite a range of types of porn, how people consume it, and how it impacts their lives; it encompasses such a spectrum of experiences it's tough to categorize as just 'bad' or 'good'. I'll provide another resource that you can feel free to browse, Looking, Lusting and Learning: A Straightforward Look at Pornography.

I hope these can provide a baseline for the remainder of the conversation we have. It sounds like you're seeking guidance on how to navigate the shame associated with masturbation and porn consumption. Let me know if anything from these articles resonates with you, and we can go from there.

[qg21tfio]

Thanks for the reply, I was wondering if there was anyway my dad could of dealed the fact that I masturbate and not saying my body is skinny because I masturbate and I am wasting my energy?

There was a moment when I was 14 when lockdown struck and decided to join nofap servers in discord - I always seem to pass novembers without fapping until december and I couldn't resist fapping more than 1 week.

Recently I stopped using discord just a few months ago due to other reasons as it was distracting me and I had resit exams. As Soon I left discord I relapsed to PMO more then I did when I had discord. Currently at 17 - I am just using my sexual thoughts and my d### to handle my horny desires.

[qg21tfio]

Quick question. Is there any household item i can use as lube which no one will bat a eye?

Thanks

[Carly]

hey there -- yes, it sounds like your dad could have dealt with finding out about your masturbation a lot differently. It sounds like it could have been a conversation rather than a situation that made you feel shame. Also, what it's worth, the masturbation habits you're describing seem pretty normal. It sounds like you've been intentional about breaks and it hasn't been getting in the way of other responsibilities, is that right? What prompted you to seek out the self-help book?

Regarding lube, there are a few oil-based common household items that could work, such as massage oil, baby oil, olive oil, coconut oil, or Vaseline. But! And this is a big but! I recommend only using these for solo masturbation. If you were to use them with a condom, the oil will break down the latex. These materials can also be irritating for people with vaginas.

[qg21tfio]

It has been distracting in terms of doing my self improvement habits and studying. I j#rk off 3-4 times everyday if I go off nofap.

[Michaela]

Hi qg21tfio,

That's great that you have priorities of self-improvement and your studies! From what you wrote it sounds like you are finding your masturbation habits to be interfering with other things that you want to do and you are wanting to decrease the frequency that you masturbate. What would a healthy masturbation habit look like or feel like for you?

[qg21tfio]

Everytime i see a random girl my age, dating and sex is in my mind and these thoughts disappear as soon I don't see them and these thoughts reappear as soon I get into bed.

The problem is that I want to be in a romantic physical relationship but i fear that if everyone finds out then everyone including my parents won't leave me alone.

I also never been friends with a girl apart from my sister.


How do I solve this problem? (Edited)

[Sam W]

Hi qg21tfio,

Just to make sure I'm understanding correctly, are you afraid that if a romantic partner found out about you masturbating often they would be upset with you?

[qg21tfio]

No, I never had one

[Jacob]

Hey qg21tfio,

So first of all I want to send my heart out to you as this stuff is not easy! It sounds like your early experience, with your dad's reaction had a really big impact on you. It also sounds like the resulting shame and desire to stamp out one part of yourself has taken up a lot of your emotional energy, and has been really hurting you!

I think it's really good too that you left discord, those sorts of communities can be very toxic. Even though it might have felt like they were helping at the time, I honestly believe that it's better to be processing this away from their influence. Even if there was comfort in being part of a group, they have extended some of the messages you got from your dad; the message that this is bad and dirty and you need to constantly fight it.

Maybe it'd be good to separate the masturbation from the shame about masturbation? Shame can cause untold pain to our emotional well-being, our physical well being and can even bleed into how we treat others, whereas masturbation on it's own is pretty harmless. It's easy to think that if we eradicated the focus of that shame, the pain would go away too, because we'd no longer have something to be ashamed of. But I'd put to you that you already have nothing to be ashamed of, and yet here is the pain anyway!

So how about we think about what you might need to start unlearning that shame?

[Jacob]

Just to also add; thank you for speaking about this with us! This is a very vulnerable part of yourself and I think doing more of what you're already doing, is going to be super helpful to you moving forward.