Did I abuse my ex?

[phenolphtalein]

Hi,

sorry I'm a bit nervous rn but after coming to terms with my ex assaulting me in the past, I realized I may have abused him as well but I'm not sure?

Our first time was consensual but hurt very badly, just like every time after that. The first two times, I bled (1st was losing virginity, 2nd no clue?). Because of the pain I didn't want to do it again and he said he was okay with that as long as we still tried to have sex (by penetration, we did do other sexual things). I looked at it from his POV and felt a bit bad for him so I thought he was right. But every time after that was so bad I just couldn't keep doing it for longer than a few pushes, even with breaks. I have really tight muscles, I couldn't even get a mini sized tampon in without being in pain. I felt really bad for not being able to have sex at least long enough for him to finish.
One day, we changed positions and I was on top but again it hurt so bad. He asked if we should stop but I think I shook my head? And continued because I didn't want to fail him because he said it was very important to him. But it was so bad, he noticed my discomfort and told me to stop but I was so desperate because I really didn't want to fail again I just pushed once more very hard for me and it hurt so bad I teared up.
We then stopped and he held me.
Only months later it occurred to me I might have abused him. Am I an abuser? How can I live with myself knowing I didn't stop and assaulted someone?

[Willa]

Hi phenolphtalein,

It seems like from your post history with us, you have a lot of intense anxiety surrounding consent with partners and the label of abusive. That being said, this specific situation seems like your ex was more concerned about you pushing yourself too far sexually. In sexual situations we have to be aware not just of our partners safety and comfort, but be in tune with our own as well. Your actions came from a place of wanting to please your partner, but we have to be cognizant of not putting our partners in situations where we are not keeping ourselves safe. However, we can make mistakes in our sexual encounters and that does not automatically mean we are abusive.

Having posted a similar question in the past- I wonder if it would be more beneficial to you if we could direct you to some sources that may help you grapple with some of these recurring anxious thought patterns? You have also mentioned that you have OCD, and I was wondering if you are receiving treatment or if this is something you have been dealing with on your own? It seems to me that understanding your anxiety around these subjects may be more helpful to you.

[phenolphtalein]

Hi,

thank you for your reply. I'm starting to see a therapist concerning OCD but it's not completely settled but yes, I'm on my way to improve my anxiety.

It's just, I've never been taught about consent. I started to get educated via instagram posts (not the best way Ik) but fully understood this year (too afraid to look into it before). Now I'm looking back and realise that a lot of what happened to me wasn't consensual (while some was but still a bit scarring which I believe is valid too). Now I'm really afraid I did the same awful things that were done to me accidentally to others, I think because it would justify in my mind that what happened to me wasn't that bad or that I was just as bad as my ex(es).

We did break up because I couldn't satisfy him sexually I think, but this moment really scared me

[Sam W]

Hi phenolphtalein,

I'm glad to heart you're at least in the process of finding and working with a therapist around all this. These kinds of thought patterns can be really stressful, and you deserve support in navigating them.

I wonder if it would help to think of it this way: even if you had harmed someone, accidentally or intentionally, that would not mean that what you went through "wasn't that bad." I say this because it sounds like, to a certain extent, part of why you tend to fixate on these moments is you're afraid that if it were true that you had violated your partner's consent (to be clear, I agree with Willa's assessment that that isn't what happened here), that would mean you no longer could be justified in feeling harmed by his actions, or by other times your own consent was ignored. Does that sound right?

[phenolphtalein]

Hi,

yes kind of. I feel like I'd "deserve" it a bit because if I did it myself I couldn't be mad at others. I think it's also because I'm scared that if I did the same, I wouldn't know how to react. And I'm aware it is an OCD trigger for me, just that it has an underlying reason unlike other OCD subtypes of mine. Thank you for responding, you have helped a lot!

[Andy]

Hi, phenolphthalein,

I’m glad talking here was helpful!

I think trying to think about this in a different way might be helpful. To elaborate on what Sam said, that we might have made one mistake doesn’t mean we are not allowed to feel hurt and harmed by things others do to us, just like if someone accidentally steps on someone’s else’s foot on the street doesn’t mean it’s okay for everyone around to start doing the same thing to them. Making a mistake speaks only about one thing and that is that we are people and making mistakes is what all people do, it doesn’t tell us anything about our personalities and who we are. And it by no way say anything about who deserves abuse and who doesn’t, because nobody deserves that. Does that make sense?
And what specifically do you mean when you say that you wouldn't know how to react?