I don’t think I can reach orgasm?

[Arghdaq]

Ok honestly I’m at a loss here because ive tried so much but I can’t seem to reach the normal “orgasm”. I’ve tried different vibrators, I’ve tried fingers etc.. but no matter what I do I don’t seem to reach an orgasm. I get a feeling yes, but it’s not like what I’d expect. I don’t moan, I don’t twitch, my breathing doesn’t catch up etc.. I just lay there and get a slight feeling like a tickle or something and it’s over. It’s like I literally can’t reach the normal orgasm which seems to be so “awesome” for everyone and it’s just disappointing. I assumed buying a hitatchi which seems to work for everyone would help but no I just laid there for a long time and just felt rather dissatisfied. I get a somewhat good feeling but it’s not like much good just like a head scratch or something similar to that kind of feeling. Am I just doing it wrong or can I literally not reach orgasm? I mean I see women moan and squirt because of goddamn hitatchis and here I lay unbothered and somewhat bored? Honestly don’t know what to do at this point because I have such huge sexual desires but I can’t really satisfy myself enough

[Latha]

Hi Arghdaq, welcome to the boards!

That sounds so frustrating! Don't worry, we can think about this together.

I want to start by mentioning that we can sometimes have an unrealistic picture of what an orgasm is meant to feel like. Orgasms can deel different from person to person and from time to time. It may be that you are orgasming, but it is not as strong as you expect. Here is a quote from our article on sexual response and orgasm:

Orgasm for those with a vagina often involves a series of involuntary muscle contractions around the vagina that may or may not produce an ejaculate or a vaginal secretion. For all people, throughout the whole body there is an increase in muscle tension and relaxation, especially around the pelvis, and orgasm also creates chemical changes in the body in terms of inducing hormones like endorphins. We also know that orgasm, quite literally, alters our brain: the limbic system (the part of the brain about emotions) is very involved in orgasm: orgasm can tend to trigger emotions and visual and other sensory memories.

It's really tough to describe what an orgasm feels like. Not only does it differ from person to person, one person can experience any number of different sorts of orgasms that vary with every sexual experience, from day to day. Orgasm can feel like a tickle or a hiccup, but can also feel like a very heavy head rush or wave of dizziness through the whole body. Joani Blank once described it in a sex book for kids as feeling similar to when you really, really have to pee and then finally urinating. Overall, having an orgasm is a bit like being a balloon: your body fills up with pressure, then releases that pressure when it gets to its fullest point, much like a balloon does when it pops.

What do you think about this?

If this makes sense, it may be better to focus on making masturbation feel more pleasurable in general. I wonder, what is your mental state like when you're masturbating? Do you usually have a fantasy in mind, are you very focused on the sensations, or do you feel distracted or bored?

[Arghdaq]

Generally when I masturbate I watch something but I tend to focus on the feeling, but I tend to get distracted and loose focus. Sometimes I just focus on the feeling but sometimes my mind kind of wanders and suddenly I think of something or someone and I just get a mental block and feel guilty, not particularly because I’m masturbating but I just generally get a weird feeling. It’s not always like this but yea. I don’t know if what I experience is an orgasm or not because yes I get a slight feeling but it’s nothing that really gets a reaction out of me, it’s just like a casual thing whatnot… I’ve tried adding fingering together with for example a vibrator such and such but I can’t seem to figure that out becuase it’s just a slight warm and stinging sensation and after a while it just ends up uncomfortable and weird and not like pleasurable, don’t know if that’s me just literally doing it wrong or if it just doesn’t work for me? I don’t know if having some fantasies would help but I feel like I’d just get distracted if I tried that and get a weird feeling of get bored.. don’t really know what else to try or how to focus on making the sensation itself feel better

[Sam W]

Hi Arghdaq,

I think an important thing to keep in mind with all of this is that you can't really do masturbation"wrong;" as Latha said, how orgasm varies not only from person to person, but also for a given person from instance to instance, and the same thing is true for pleasure more generally. So if using the vibrator and your fingers at the same time just feels uncomfortable, that just means that combination of sensations isn't what feels good to you, not that you're doing anything wrong.

I actually want to take a slight step back from the specifics to ask: is masturbation pleasurable for you more generally? Or does it usually feel uninteresting or frustrating rather than enjoyable?

[Arghdaq]

It say it rather feels a little uninteresting such and such rather than pleasurable.. kinda feels more like stress at times

[Latha]

Hi Arghdaq,

If I may ask, why do you masturbate when masturbation feels a bit stressful and uninteresting? It is something that you can do, and it is good if it is enjoyable, but you don't have to masturbate. In a sense, have you felt the desire to masturbate on your own, or is this something you feel like you should be doing?

[Arghdaq]

I have urges to do it but after a while when I’m doing it, everything just suddenly feels weird and I just get an uneasy feeling and it’s all suddenly unmotivating if that makes sense.. I do want to do it but when I actually do it I just get demotivated and it just feels weird and wrong

[Heather]

Hey there, Arghdaq.

So, I'm thinking that it might be that the bigger issue at hand here isn't about what you are or are not doing physically, but what's going on in your head. We can be doing things that have felt amazing in the past, and using sex toys that we love, but if something is afoot psychologically that is keeping our head out of the game, as it were, or making us feel bad in some way, find that even things that have made us feel amazing in the past...don't.

I hear you saying this feels stressful, weird and wrong to you, and that you feel guilty, and that says to me that there is likely some shame here in the mix. Shame is one of the surest things to keep us from sexual satisfaction, pleasure and other responses, like orgasm.

Can you tell me a little bit about these feelings? Do you feel like it's totally okay, even healthy and good to be masturbating, or do you feel like there's something wrong with it, or that it is something you shouldn't be doing? Can you say a little about the sexual ethics and ideas you've grown up with?

[Arghdaq]

No I don’t feel shame or anything like that, didn’t grow up with the idea that it’s wrong etc.. I don’t really feel bad for doing it nor do I feel there’s something wrong with it. It’s just when I’m doing it, suddenly it feels weird or wrong but it’s not really shame? It just feels like it’s not working or something similar to that

[Sam W]

Hi Arghdaq,

Would you say that the feeling that something "isn't working" also contributes to a feeling that you're somehow doing this "wrong?" And that's the thought that leads to you feeling uneasy or unmotivated?

[Arghdaq]

Yea I think so, I’m not even sure but it somewhat feels like I’m doing it wrong and then everything just feels weird and off and wrong for some reason? I’m having a bit of a trouble explaining it but yea.. when I start I have urges to do it but after a while it just feels like I’m doing it wrong or just everything is generally wrong, sometimes I stop but I do usually keep going and I do get a slight feeling but it’s nowhere close to what others seem to be describing which just demotivates me

[Sam W]

I see. So, one recommendation I have is to lean into that instinct to stop when it's feeling weird or boring; masturbation is ostensibly about pleasure, so pushing ourselves to keep doing it even when we're not feeling good sort of defeats that purpose.

I do think expectation management may also be helpful, because it sounds like you're expecting masturbation to feel the way it's described by others, or for certain ways of masturbating or toys you're using to automatically lead to a specific experience. Having those kinds of expectations often makes it harder to experience pleasure during masturbation because it's taking us out of the moment and into that thought process of "am I doing this wrong? I think I'm doing this wrong."

Something that may help to try instead is to see if you can incorporate things that feel pleasurable to you in a more general sense into masturbation; that could be kinds of touch, smells, really any sensations that help you feel pleasure.

[Arghdaq]

I’ll see what I can do about it, thank you for the tips and help and hopefully I can figure out something that works for me

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!