Too problematic much?

[Wanjiee]

Hey, uuum am I too emotional and problematic, see, I tend to create scenarios out of simple conversations that just brings about issues in my relationship.
So a few minutes ago I was having this conversation with my boyfriend about how we have been the best for each other so far and he was like, "yes characterwise you are the best girl I've ever dated" and I was so happy then he was like sexwise he can't say I'm the best coz we haven't had sex yet, but when we do, we'll talk about how good I am then.... Now I've been really thinking about how there's a best girl sexwise in his brain and it's really disturbing me, i know it shouldn't but it does
He also said something like "definitely if you cheat on me or do something stupid, I'll find someone better...and i know you'd do the same" and now i just can't stop thinking about him finding a better person, or if I'm not a good option for him

[Heather]

Hi there, Wanjee.

If this is the same relationship you've talked about before, I think we should figure there are a lot more layers to this than this post.

However, I would personally suggest never having conversations about who is or has been "the best" person. In most people's lives, there are going to be at least a few people, if not far more, who are important parts of their lives, who they have important experiences with, and who they consider their most important people. As well, grading people like this, like kinds of olive oil or cuts of meat or apartments just doesn't strike me as a way to really see each other as whole, complex human beings of value.

Trying to make it one "best" person for anything is not only just setting people up to probably be dishonest just to flatter each other, it puts you both in a position of comparing each other to other people in your life. Why do that? Who does that benefit? Your relationship to each other is something to consider on its own merits, just like everyone as people have their own merits, rather than existing on best-worst scales.

Do you get what I mean?

[Wanjiee]

Layers?? I don't think so... This is something that I actually struggle with... I know the conversations about who's the best doesn't end well, but I have this urge or need to feel like the best.... To feel like I'm the only one, I dunno why, and it really messes my mind and I can just start unnecessary issues you know, and then I'm usually the one who like asks the questions like *who's the best person you've dated and stuff

[Heather]

I hear you, but what I am suggesting is that this isn't a beneficial question to ask or to try and get others to answer.

It sounds like you are saying that you struggle with self-worth or self-esteem, and that you feel like relationships or being with someone is some kind of competition where someone (you) can be the best.

The thing is, it just isn't. This also isn't going to be a likely way to leave you feeling better about yourself, as you have already discovered from the answer you got about this around sex.

So, why not just drop this and instead work on things that create relationships everyone values and benefits from AND that are actually likely to help you develop a more positive and stable sense of your self and your value?

[Wanjiee]

Yeaahhhh I get it now.
Thankyou