Relationship problems

[Skybushh]

Hello. I’ve been having problems in my relationship for a while now, and recently I’ve been finding more things that are making everything more difficult for me. In the past I definitely felt like a bad partner and had a lot to learn and a lot to grow from. I believe I’ve done a pretty good job at doing so, and I’m a much better partner now. One thing that I’m really struggling with though is telling my partner when I have a problem, or really getting my needs across. I’ve tried a few different things and they work sometimes but not always. Lately my relationships been causing me a lot of anxiety and distress. I don’t know how to express myself to my partner, and I worry about their response when I finally do. Because in the past me doing so hasn’t always gone to plan. I have gone to other people sometimes, to talk about all this. About how I have some qualms with my relationship but can’t seem to get the across for various reasons. I realized that me complaining about my relationship to others is really not the right thing to do. I feel really bad for it, and I’m worried it makes me a bad partner. Is there anything I can do to right the situation, to learn to talk to my partner instead of others. And well, to right the wrong that was speaking to them instead.

[Amanda B]

Hi Skybushh,

It's great you've made progress in your relationship, and it sounds like you're being really intentional about making sure you're being the best partner you can be.

Communication about needs is so important in a relationship. Can you tell me more about when you expressed your worries to your partner in the past, and it didn't go as planned? I know for myself when I'm gearing up for an important conversation, I have everything planned in my head, including how I know (or think I know) how the other person will react. But the reality is that we never know how our words or actions are going to be interpreted by someone else. So I'd be really interested in hearing just how these conversations went when it felt like it skewed away from what you were predicting.

[Skybushh]

Usually what happens is that my partner responds in a way that comes off to me as distant, or disinterested. Like they’d rather not talk about it. Sometimes however they are very responsive, and they do agree to what I’m saying and that they’ll work with me. Although I still find it difficult to continue the conversation because if they start to feel bad for any reason my instinct is to try and comfort them as much as I can. I don’t mean to hold their responses against them, but to me it feels like it can make it more difficult to continue speaking about it. I’m not very good with speaking my mind or asking for things but there have been times in the past where I’ve asked multiple times and felt like I don’t get anywhere. It could be because I don’t phrase things correctly. They are the kind of person who really does care, and will absolutely work on things for us. I don’t mean to make them sound otherwise.

[Skybushh]

Just recently I asked my partner how they felt about me having my new friends. We’re currently in a long distance relationship because I just started college. I was lucky enough to make a really good group of friends, and sometimes I worry that I’m spending too much time with them instead of my partner or vice versa. In the past my partner expressed worries about being left behind or replaced or forgotten about. So I wanted to know how they felt, about me having these new friends and about me spending time with them. My partner responded by saying that she’s really happy I have these friends, and that as humans social interaction is what we do. Which caught me off guard for some reason, it was a pleasant surprise of course but for some reason it still surprised me. My partner then said that she’s hurt I would believe she thought otherwise, and then told me she had to get something. She then asked for space, which I agreed to, and said she’d be back later. I tried to apologize, saying that I wasn’t trying to accuse her. I can’t help but wonder if I was accusing her of something though, and that I was jumping to conclusions. Part of me feels like this was my fault, and that the question was the wrong thing to ask in the first place. I’m really lost now. I’m not quite sure what to think.

[Sam W]

Hi Skybushh,

I don't think you did anything wrong in trying to check in about whether you're partner is feeling left behind as a result of you spending time with your friends. With any relationship, but especially long distance ones where our options for spending time with that person can be limited, it's sound to check in not only with yourself, but with your partner from time to time about if they feel like you have enough time together.

I do want to add that it's also not a bad thing to talk about your romantic relationship with other people, even if that's to vent sometimes. Our relationships won't always be perfect, and having a space where we can talk about that is often a healthy thing. If you were, say, constantly bashing your partner to your friends, that might be cause for concern if only because it would signal something was off in your relationship, but that doesn't sound like what's happening here.

I hear you saying that your relationship is causing you a lot of stress and anxiety, and that you feel like it's been more difficult for you lately. When you think about your relationship as it is, would you say there are still a lot of positive things it brings to your life? Are you happy and excited about it as often as you are stressed? Or does it feel like it's now mainly a source of anxiety for you?

I will say that a lot of what you're describing in your relationship strikes me as a common experience when a relationship moves from an in-person, high school one to one that's long distance with one or both people in college. That's a big life transition, and it can often bring some pretty major shifts in all our relationships.

[Skybushh]

I am definitely happy in my relationship. My partner has always been there, no matter how good or bad I’m doing. They’ve always supported me and loved me through everything. And I like to think I do the same thing for them. I know I love them. There are definitely something’s we both need to work on, communication is something we’ve continued to improve, but when we aren’t focused on our problems we have a really nice time together. I feel safest when I’m with my partner, which sucks only because I don’t get to see them in person very often currently. Most of my anxiety comes from my fear that I’m a toxic partner, or a bad person. I’ve always struggled with self-worth and the idea that I deserve what I have in life, and it’s always been a fear I’ve had. I really want to be the best partner I can for them, but I over-analyze my every move and it often leads to hating myself for one or multiple things. I think if anything I need to work on that, on continuing to love myself and that I’m a lot better of a person then I think. Cause I’m the only one I know who thinks this way of myself. I do seek a lot of reassurance about this, and really struggle with trusting peoples responses. So that’s probably where a good deal of the stress comes from.

[Willa]

Hi Skybushh,

That is good you feel happy and safe with your partner. Communication with your partner seems to continue to be a point of stress for you, based on your posts. Were you able to communicate what you were discussing in your last post about sexual attraction and fantasies? Having a partner who shuts down during confrontation or discussion can be very stressful, especially if you already struggle with thoughts of being a bad or "toxic" partner. Have you talked to your partner about how this behavior has been causing you anxiety? Sometimes people may need time to process strong emotions, or they may not even realize that this behavior is stress inducing. Especially with long distance these moments can be especially difficult- a possible step could be checking in with your partner about times that are good for her to discuss these things and to communicate how her withdrawing or becoming distant is anxiety inducing for you and not productive for conflict resolution.

[Sam W]

In addition to what Willa said, I want to add that it sounds like finding ways to start trusting others responses to you might help address some of the bigger things going on, as will continuing to work on feeling more positive about yourself overall. Have there been any steps you've taken that have helped you feel a little less prone to assuming or worrying that you're being a bad person?

[Skybushh]

I have had a few things that people have told me that always make me feel better, but there aren’t really any actions that do. Usually my best option is to keep myself busy or ignore it as any energy I put in tends to make it worse. I was able to have a conversation with them about their response sometimes, and I believe it went really well. They explained to me why they do so and that they’ll work on trying to respond a different way. I know they take my words to heart so I trust them to do so. I tend to try and solve any problems as soon as possible, and most times they are willing to do that with me. I have not had the other conversation, as I’m worried about it causing problems. I hate making my partner worry about things and this topic usually does so. I also worry they’ll be hurt since I always took their side in the past after I convinced myself that I was in the wrong. There definitely were things that I was wrong about, and that needed to change but I have done so since then. I just didn’t consider that I might be able to have my own thoughts, as long as that’s all they are, until recently.

[Sam W]

Got it. So, I do think one thing to look into is some kind of resource, either with a therapist or on your own, that's designed to help us challenge and push back against negative thoughts we have about ourselves. As you pointed out, having that negative inner monologue is exhausting. But trying to just keep busy and ignore it tends to unsustainable in the long run as well. Do you have some ideas about where you could find those resources? If not, that's something we can help you find.

I do think it's sound to steer clear of that conversation about fantasy and masturbation for the time being. It sounds like you and your partner are still working on how to have more fraught or difficult conversations, so you may want to wait to have that conversation until you feel a bit more like the two of you can talk about it in a productive way.

[Skybushh]

I do have a means to talk about it yes. But thank you for the offer. I just needed some extra help since it’s not too frequent. I do want to the conversation, and I’m not upset about not having it. I just don’t feel entirely right holding it myself.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you have some support around the negative self talk!

You know, part of learning how to be in relationships with other people is learning how to gauge when is a good time to have a particularly charged conversation. So I do think this is one where you might hit a point where you can go "I think we can talk about this now" OR you hit a point where the topic becomes important or urgent enough that you hit the point of "we NEED to talk about this now."

Can you say a little more about what you mean by it not feeling right to hold that conversation yourself?

[Skybushh]

It feels wrong to keep it from my partner, like I’m holding a secret. The negative connotation of the word.

[Sam W]

I think we touched on this a bit in the other thread, but sometimes waiting to bring something up with a partner is more about being considerate than it is about trying to keep a secret from them. Not every moment is right for every conversation.

It may also help to take a moment to think about what, currently, you're hoping will come from this conversation, and if your hopes for it are the same as they initially were when you first thought about having it. Are hoping to keep the relationship honest? To help relieve some of the guilt you're feeling? Something else?

[Skybushh]

I think I mostly what to have the conversation so that I don’t feel like I’m cheating, or that I’m betraying their trust. Because in a way I do. I would love to keep the relationship honest, I don’t believe I’m lying but something still doesn’t feel right. And I do understand that there is a right time, that’s why I haven’t mentioned it yet. But I also know that until the conversation happens I’ll feel guilty about it, or just shut it down completely which is what I’ve been doing recently.

[Sofi]

So I think Nadine in your other post gave a great answer with lots of helpful advice. It's okay for you to bring this topic up to her if it's making you feel guilty and like you're hiding something, there's no set amount of truth that should or shouldn't be shared with our partners - we decide that with them and every relationship is different on how much detail and information people share. It sounds like she wouldn't want, and therefore wouldn't benefit from, specific details regarding this. So while you're in your right to bring this up, it might be best to not go into the specifics of your fantasies to avoid causing unnecessary negative feelings for her. Fantasies are not cheating, so you're not telling her you cheated, but rather that something you had agreed to previously (masturbating "only to her") has changed and you want to be transparent about it. Like Nadine mentioned, that's a valid and common thing to happen, and it doesn't make you a bad person.

Also as she said, finding some professional mental health resources for dealing with this guilt is important. What you don't want is for your guilt around you being a bad person/toxic partner to end up hurting your partner, and making things worse. So taking care of that should be a priority. Do you need help looking for resources, are you open to therapy?

[Skybushh]

I have been in therapy for a little while now. I’m still learning how to utilize it fully, learning how to trust people with these things and listening to their advice. Thank you for all the help. I admittedly can be a bit of a slow learner but when I do finally learn it all makes sense.

[Andy]

Hi Skybushh,

I hear you on learning how to fully utilize therapy, it’s not often talked about, but it can really be difficult to navigate sometimes.
I think this article might be a good starting place for you: Getting the Most Out of Therapy

And if there are any specific parts of this that you would like to talk about more, let us know!

[Skybushh]

Hello again,

I'm sorry to keep asking questions but, I've always been really worried that I might be a toxic partner. I'm not fully sure if this is true or if it's all in my head. I always feel guilty for something, especially in regards to my relationship. I've always been scared that there's a part of me that's toxic, or that I'm doing something that would constitute me not deserving a relationship. Everytime that I am finally able to tell myself that I'm not a bad partner for one reason or another a new fear comes up that starts the whole thing over again.

Lately I've been really worried that I'm in an emotional affair with a friend I made since moving to college. They've become a really close friend of mine, and I have shared a lot of important things in my life with them. I've even expressed some of my difficulties in my relationship with them, which I regret doing as it makes me feel incredibly guilty. I'm still dealing with some of those difficulties, although I do my best not to bring them up with anyone other than my partner anymore. Because of this I feel like there are many things I shouldn't tell my partner, and I've been feeling this for a very long time. Way before I met this new friend of mine. But I've found that I spend a lot of time with them, and we've shared parts of our lives together and tried to help each other out when we can.

We've grown close, they're my closest friend in college. I have made sure to express my boundaries physically, as there haven't been any attempts at anything romantic or sexual but they are a physically affectionate person. Hugs and such, I've made it clear what makes me feel comfortable and what does not. I do not have any intention of cheating on my partner but I worry I might have gotten too close with this person. They're the first person I properly came out too when I learned I was queer, and they helped me a lot in that process of figuring out my identity. As I've said I spend a lot of time with them, and I've discussed my relationship with them amongst other parts of my life. I've come to them before my partner on some things lately, although they were things such as trouble with an assignment or a piece of writing I had done. I worry that I might be going to them about things first and that could constitute as cheating. I find that I don't tell my partner much about the time I spend with them, although I don't tell my partner much about the time I spend with anyone. And have not for a while.

I'm not sure if I am having an emotional affair, if I am I want to find out as soon as possible so I can take the necessary steps towards finding a solution. Or if I am just struggling with my relationship the same I always have and just happen to have made a new friend. I have looked it up, and most of what they say the signs are for emotional cheating describe the situation I have now I'm pretty sure. Which freightings me.

[Sam W]

You know, reading your description, this sounds far more like you've found a close friend than you're doing any kind of emotional cheating. I will say that emotional cheating as a concept is one I find a bit sticky, since it can tip very quickly from "this person has checked out of the relationship with their partner in all ways but physically" to "your romantic partner should be your closest relationship always and you shouldn't try to fill deep emotional needs outside of them," which just doesn't reflect all the ways closeness can and does look.

For instance, I don't think going to another person, especially someone you clearly trust, about something before you tell your partner about it is a sign of cheating. Nor is discussing your romantic relationship with them (it's usually healthier to have at least one person you can do that with who isn't your partner, because that allows you to get support or just vent if things are stressful, and means there's at least one outside person who might spot if things seem "off" in your romantic relationship).

I do think there's cause for concern, or at least reflection, in why you don't tell your partner about the time you spend with other people. Not that you have to account to them for all your time in the day or mention every interaction, but more that if you're hanging out with friends, those friends and what they're up to are likely to come up in conversation. Would you say you're omitting talking about your time with other people out of that feeling of guilt? Because conversations don't seem to touch on your life much at all? Something else?

[Skybushh]

I usually don’t talk about something if I worry it’s gonna be responded to negatively. If I ever got a response that wasn’t what I was looking for, or that was short or vague I would often overthink it. I think sometime last year I realized the conversations weren’t really making me feel great so I stopped having most of this. I’m completely willing to admit that it may be my perception, because there have been times lately where I tell my partner something and the conversation goes well.

[Sam W]

Got it. I'm curious, when you and your partner talk, what are those conversations like? What do they generally revolve around?

[Skybushh]

We usually talk about things that are going on our lives. Or we talk about projects we’re working on, because we usually work on them together to some extent. We talk a whole lot about what it would be like if we were physically together. We’re in a long distance relationship and even before that we had busy lives so we’d see each other a few times a week if we were lucky. Apart from that it’s just anything we’re interested in, or things we want to do together at some point. There have been some times when are conversations are kind of negative, we’ve worked a lot on it though. I know I tend to look for problems to improve on or “fix” or avoid all together. So I can sometimes focus a lot on the negative, especially within myself. I know for a fact that I’m the kind of person who’s always looking for improvements, or ways that things could fall apart. It’s a blessing in the way that I care very deeply and do my very best to maintain the things I love, but it’s also a curse in the way that I’m kind of never fully comfortable or relaxed or positive. I do feel like sometimes we can fall into a pattern, because we do talk a whole lot, not that it’s bad or good it’s just something I’ve noticed.

[Sam W]

So, it does sound like some of this is tied to those overarching issues you're looking into therapy for, such as the tendency to overthink and to have pretty negative self-talk or even just a pretty negative inner monologue. Does it feel like you're doing a LOT of work not to bring up things you think your partner would react negatively to?

[Skybushh]

I'm not sure. There definitely are some things I don't bring up with them that I could. I just try not to say anything that would make them feel bad. Because it is naturally to think about whether you should say something or not in any conversation. But there definitely are times when I'm worried about mentioning something.