how to keep myself safe/fix dark/gross fantasies?

[meow678]

Hi, so im an afab teenager, and ive realized over the last few years that basically everything im into is kinda messed up, and probably will and has led me into harms way where i end up getting hurt. im talking things like CNC, cgl, other brutal things i dont really know if there is a name for, and other fantasies i think are too gross to name here. this constantly leads to people i dont want (like people wayyy older, etc) trying to hit on me because of what i like and also getting into toxic relationships because i like typically toxic traits; but only when they are fake and for the bedroom or other sexual situations, not everyday life.

im saying all this because not only all that, but i feel like my fantasies are going way to far in a kinda messed up way, and i wanna know if theres a way to stop that or if its normal to have really messed up fantasies? and if it is, how can i participate in it while keeping myself safe in general and from what i listed above?

if it’s important to add, im autistic and though technically lower support needs, i would say im on the way higher end of that, and ive also suffered from trauma that i feel like is kindaa why those kinks started, though not inherently connected too.

[Latha]

Hi Meow678, welcome to the boards!

You know, I don't think that fantasies can be bad all on their own, even when they seem to be 'gross', or 'brutal'. After all, what happens in a fantasy stays inside our mind- it can't cause harm in the real world. When we want to explore such fantasies in real life, we just have to make sure that everyone involved is safe and can give informed consent. You can have healthy, mutually respectful relationships where you explore kinks like CNC and CGL. That part of your relationship would be like roleplay. You would be able to control when it happens, plan what you might do, and set limits or boundaries that your partner would have to respect.

But you've touched on the idea that the relationships you've been in have not been like this, and that is concerning to me. If I may ask, where do you meet these older people who are hitting on you? And what about your partners in these toxic relationships?

On that note, you've talked about how you like 'toxic' traits in sexual situations, but not elsewhere in your relationships. I think that is a useful distinction to make. I wonder, are you using this framework to evaluate people you might want to be in a relationship with? Do you consider whether they are treating you respectfully in general, along with whether you might be sexually compatible?

I can understand how the possibility of your sexual interests being connected to trauma you've experienced might cause some complicated feelings. I don't think it is a problem though. You can explore these kinks to see if they are right for you. You may find that you like them in real life, or you may learn that you only enjoy them as a fantasy. Both are okay.