break up

[naurmi008]

i broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years
it was a mutual breakup and we ended on good terms but it hurts so damn much
he's been there for me when i had no one so idk how to live my life without him
he was so engraved into my daily routine
how do i sleep without calling him? how do i cope with problems without telling him? who will tell me they're proud of me now?
i feel lost and scared and nervous
i regret a lot of things, i know it didn't work out bc we're both fundamentally different and had our own flaws but it feel like it's all my fault
like maybe if i tried harder or was less selfish it would have worked out
idk how to go on without him

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi,

I'm sorry, break-ups are seldom easy, even if they were mutually agreed on and ultimately for the best. And if you've been dating someone awhile, it can be really, really disorienting to have them no longer be a part of your life. If you haven't already read it, I really like this piece of ours that goes into a lot of things to try that can help when you're dealing with a break-up: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

I think the answer to a lot of those questions you have right now is that, after we end a relationship, we often gradually end up filling the gaps left by that relationship with other routines and interactions. That can look like building new, non-romantic relationships, or putting energy back into ones that maybe fell a little to the side when we were busy dating our ex (and that can include our relationship with ourselves). Or finding things in our lives that make us feel confident, or supported, or comfortable in our own skin. Do you see what I'm getting at?

[naurmi008]

i do
but i just feel so confused
like this moment will last forever and it'll hurt forever
and it hurts so much to let myself feel all my feelings

[Sam W]

That's a really, really common way to feel after a break-up (or, honestly, after any big life change that leaves us feeling sad or upset). But, as cliche as it is, there's a lot of truth in the idea that time goes a long way towards these things hurting less; it may not happen as fast as we'd like, but it does happen.

Too, even though it hurts, letting yourself feel how you feel is often the kindest thing you can do. Trying to push down that grief or sadness you feel over this ending doesn't make it go away, it just makes it more likely to pop up when you least expect it. So if you can, taking some time to just feel sad and cry (or whatever else sadness involves for you) can be helpful. It may also help to find some things to focus your attention on, like spending time with other people or engaging in activities that make you happy.

[naurmi008]

i feel happy and distracted with other people but when im alone, my thoughts get to me
i try to reaffirm to myself that things will be ok but i just still miss him
a part of me wishes he was a bad person so that i could just hate him instead of having to love him silently

[KierC]

Hi there Naurmi008,

I hear you here, it can feel almost impossible to be alone sometimes after a breakup. It definitely helps to surround yourself with loving community now, but as Sam and you said, sometimes we have to be alone and sit with what we’re feeling, and cry or just feel sad! And that can be really painful sometimes. If it helps, I can offer here some things you can do when you’re alone and feeling overwhelmed by your thoughts and emotions post-breakup.

Not a full suggestion but maybe some food for thought: Something I got into when I found myself alone after a really bad breakup was knitting — it was kind of a way to self-soothe/think with my hands. Things like art-making, reading, heck, even singing and dancing, can remind our bodies that when we’re by ourselves, we don’t have to feel alone. I know it sounds cheesy, but there are things you can do when you’re alone to not feel so consumed. How does that sound?

Too, in moments when these bad feelings are just too overwhelming, this can be a really helpful resource for anxiety: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources
If you scroll down, there’s a resource called Basic Self Help Strategies, and that can help you feel better immediately when you’re feeling really overwhelmed.

[naurmi008]

i think i'd like that advice on how to deal with my emotions and face it better
and as for keepung myself busy, i've found that reading helps calm me down but sometimes i don't even have the motivation to get a book and read
on the good side, i feel a lot better now
i feel like i'm starting to accept it but sometimes i still remember him and i keep asking myself, will i be ok going forward without him?

[Heather]

Hey there, naurmi.

Were you able to read this piece Sam shared near the top of this thread? https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... y-breaking

It offers a lot of help with managing your feelings in a breakup.

You know, you probably would have been completely okay had you never met this person, and most certainly will be without them. When we get very attached to someone, and they become a big part of our lives for a while, it can be easy to feel like we couldn't possibly exist without them. But the reality is that with romantic and/or sexual relationships, we always will survive without someone, because these things aren't actually integral to survival, even though they can feel like they are.

In your case, I'd also add that as you know, my perception of this relationship is that it wasn't all the great to begin with: you've expressed some real issues with it in your time here, and some things that made you pretty unhappy. I expect, given that, that once the hurt of the breakup diminishes and the adjustment from being in this relationship begins, it may well turn out that you are more okay out of this relationship than you were within it. <3