How do I form my sexual values...

[CrazyBonobo]

...and be more confident about them?
I left a conservative religion a few years ago and since then I've faced certain challenges trying to decide what's right and wrong on these topics beyond very basic rules like consent. This type of subject being especially controversial makes it stressful to deal with at the same rate. And it is imperative in my opinion that we think carefully about these matters so that we do not hurt others while following an unreflected personal morality. My confidence is sabotaged by doubts such as:
>Would wanting just sex, without commitment, for the rest of your life be a sign of objectifying others?
>I find someone of X ethnicity sexy. How can I be sure I'm not fetishizing ethnicity X? If I consume some type of media that portrays a member of group X in a sexual way, what is the proportion of my individual responsibility for this type of social problem?
A multitude of questions like this come to my attention relatively frequently, linger obsessively for a while, and then get buried in memory without being clearly resolved. During these episodes I become fixated on this and frantically try to read about it online, often encountering chaotic, subjective discussions that confuse as much as they clarify.- Should I consult some kind of psychologist or sexologist?

[Heather]

Hello there.

Before anything else, my first piece of advice would be to look back at a couple of your previous posts here and consider engaging with them. You've asked similar things here before, and a couple folks have started conversations with you about this stuff in those threads that you haven't picked up. I think it would be worth your while to engage with them.

You've also asked before about if you should consult a professional to help you with this, and the answer in the past was that we didn't see a reason for that. However, this is one of those things where ultimately, you need to answer for yourself. Do you think it would be helpful for you to engage with some kind of therapist around this? If so, then it would make sense to seek one out and see how it goes. It does also sound to me like you might be struggling with obsessive thinking, which is its own issue, really, and certainly something where people often benefit from therapeutic help.

I can pitch in with the two specific questions you've asked here, as well.

>Would wanting just sex, without commitment, for the rest of your life be a sign of objectifying others?
>I find someone of X ethnicity sexy. How can I be sure I'm not fetishizing ethnicity X? If I consume some type of media that portrays a member of group X in a sexual way, what is the proportion of my individual responsibility for this type of social problem?

Per the former, what makes the difference between treating people like objects and like whole people isn't commitment so much as it is respect. We can treat each other with respect and see each other as whole people whether we are in long-term relationships or brief interactions. And since some people don't even want committed or sexually exclusive relationships, perhaps you can see how that wouldn't be the answer at all to treating those folks as whole people, rather than objects.

In terms of the latter, again, this boils down to respect and seeing people as whole people to me. When you are finding someone of a certain race attractive, are you seeing them as more than a body of a certain race, but as a whole person who isn't just sexual or an object of sexual interest for you? If so, then you're doing just fine by folks.

I can't speak for how much you or anyone else is responsible for racism, if that's what you're asking. There simply isn't any kind of simple formula for that. But by all means, if you want to stay mindful about racism or work on it, I would posit that who you are or aren't attracted to probably isn't going to have any real impact on racism in any direction. If you want to look into things you can do that counter racism, I'd consider information like this as a start: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/articl ... nti_racism