Sexual activities feel underwhelming

[forzarg]

Sex and other sexual acts such as masturbation feel underwhelming. It's not that they're completely bad/unpleasant, it's just that they're not that pleasant.

People talk about sex as if it is the best thing ever and seem to enjoy it a lot but I don't find it particularly enjoyable. It's nice but not really pleasurable.

I can only orgasm through masturbation (only through clitoral stimulation) or through frotting/scissoring. If I do orgasm the orgasm is weak, very disappointing, and always underwhelming. It only feels good for a second and then I'm left feeling a bit empty while "recovering" from it.

Penetration is good only when paired up with clitoral stimulation and only if I'm the one controlling it. Penetration by itself is either neutral, uncomfortable or painful. Different things affect the sensation: my finger, someone else's finger or a toothbrush handle go in pretty well and don't hurt most of the times but don't feel good either; a penis or a tampon hurt.

Every time I've had sex it has been painful, and if or when the pain fades away it starts being neutral or uncomfortable. Sometimes it's almost pleasurable but then the edge of pleasure I was feeling just completely disappears. Me and my partner have tried other things apart from penetration but it's no use, it's not pleasurable.

I keep on doing what I know and trying new things in hopes that it eventually gets better and because maybe this will be the time it'll go well but it never does and I only end up hurting myself.

I was pretty motivated in the beginning because I thought that it was something that would solve itself over time but it's been a couple of years and the situation is still the same.

Sex still hurts and doesn't feel good, it doesn't matter if I use a lot of lubricant or if I do lengthy foreplay, or if I edge or do it in a different position or a different angle, it's never really pleasurable.

As a result I've started to develop difficulty in getting aroused and I have fairly low libido. I don't particularly want to have sex or masturbate because it doesn't feel good, so I can't/don't particularly want to experiment to try to figure if other things turn me on more or if it'll feel good this time. I know porn works to get me excited but I don't want to watch it because I'm scared I'll get addicted.

I am a bit hopeless because sex is the reason why everyone exists and I feel like I'm a failed design and came with defects.

Why don't I enjoy the sensations of the act of procreation when those sensations are the reason why me and everyone around me are here? Can the sex and not feeling all that turned on be a partner thing? Am I not sufficiently attracted to my partner to be and feel aroused enough to enjoy penetration?

I haven't been sexually attracted to any other people except for my partner in the past year or so and I'm not super attracted to him as of now (due to the low libido, I think).

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards <3

I'm hearing your frustration and it sounds like you've really tried a lot of different things over a long period of time here. Reading your post, it doesn't sound like you're super enthusiastic about sex, which makes sense considering it doesn't feel good for you - but I wonder, why DO you want to do it? When you mentioned it's how procreation happens it sounded like you feel like you NEED to do it/enjoy it, but truthfully, many people don't. For example, there are many asexual people (you can read more about that here). When you read about asexuality, does it resonate with you?

I also heard that you usually experience pain during insertion, so that goes beyond just not enjoying it. Honestly, while sometimes insertion can be uncomfortable (say, if you're not relaxed enough at first), it shouldn't be painful, especially not every single time. Pain during sex is an indication something is wrong. Here is a great piece with a lot of helpful information, please give that a read and let me know your thoughts. Did any of it stand out to you?

[forzarg]

Hello, thank you. I wasn't expecting the reply to be so fast.

I'm not enthusiastic about sex as of right now but I've been before. Sex is something I'd like to be able to enjoy so I've tried to do that different times yet I haven't been able to. It's not that I think I need to enjoy it, it's just something I'd like to enjoy. I don't think I'm asexual, I've looked into it before and it doesn't really seem to be what's up with me.

I haven't done any exam yet to see if it's a physical problem but I'll look into it. With my past experiences of painful penetration, I am fearful of the pain I might feel during a pelvic exam or a pap smear. I've always avoided doing all of that and I'm not looking forward to doing it. I'm assuming that a finger doesn't hurt because I'm aroused so I don't see how a speculum won't hurt.

I think it might be something psychological and not really physical but I'm not sure. My mom is wise about these things and she suggested tantric practices but I didn't understand how that'd help me with the pain and I need to call her again to ask about that.

[Sam W]

Hi forzarg,

I hear on that worry that if inserting fingers has been painful, a sexual health exam is likely to be as well. It still might be sound to schedule an appointment, both so that you can find out if there is a physical component to the pain, as well as because, since you're sexually active, it's good to get into the habit of getting regular, sexual health check-ups. If you want help figuring out how to talk about this issue with a healthcare provider, including working with one to figure out ways to lessen the potential pain that might come with an exam, we can help you brainstorm those.

I do think you're right that it's mental elements that are playing a big role here. One that jumps out at me is that it sounds like you built up sex and orgasm in your head; that they supposed to feel like the best thing ever, or that orgasms are meant to be mindblowing every time. But the reality is, our experiences of sex and orgasm can be incredibly varied, and even for an individual person the intensity of, and the pleasure they experience from, sex or orgasm is pretty mild. There's nothing wrong with that, and experiencing those things that way doesn't make someone broken, but if our expectation is that we'll always feel SUPER intense pleasure, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment, which can in turn make sex or masturbation less pleasurable because our focus shifts toward "is this going to feel amazing this time" rather than on "what can I do that feels good in this moment."

Too, I hear you describing things that you do enjoy or that bring your pleasure, so I wonder if it makes sense to focus your sexual interactions with a partner on those. For instance, if masturbation is consistently pleasurable for you, maybe that becomes part of partnered sex. If there are kinds of sexual media that really arouse you and bring you pleasure, maybe the two of you consume those together (as an aside, "porn addiction" isn't a super accurate term for what issues with porn use entail, and there's also nothing inherently wrong with using sexual media, even if you use it frequently). How does that sound?

I do also want to touch on the question of whether your attraction to your partner is playing a role here. Do you feel attraction to your partner overall? And in sexual situations, do you feel connected to and comfortable with them, and like you can let go and enjoy yourself (however that looks)?

[forzarg]

Hello,

Thank you for your input, I'll look into a consultation this week.

About the orgasm part, it's not that I've made up orgasms to be the most bestest thing on earth, I'm aware that they might be weak and disappointing or even unpleasant sometimes, what bothers me is that this is what's always been happening. I just wish to experience those orgasms that feel like "fireworks" that I see people talking about. I'm not particularly disappointed during the orgasm or during the buildup, I'm disappointed after because it was just the same as ever, no matter what I try.

I'll talk to my partner about other options but as of right now sex isn't all that appealing so I think I'll just be celibate for a while. When I say that I'm scared to develop a "porn addiction" it's more that I'm afraid I won't be able to get aroused without it and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.

About my partner, I always have doubts about attraction and feelings because they aren't linear and they come and go. I think I used to be more attracted to him before. I guess it's because of my lack of libido. I don't know if I feel connected to him or not but I'm definitely quite comfortable around him and don't care much about the physical aspect of it. These questions are difficult and I can't answer them with absolute certainty because they're too subjective for me, sorry.

[Sam W]

If sex isn't appealing at all right now, then I agree that taking a break is a good choice to make. It also gives you the chance to explore other forms of intimacy with your partner, since there are lots of ways of having intimate interactions that have nothing to do with sex (this article goes into more detail: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots).

It's okay if you're not sure how to answer those questions about attraction! As you noted, attraction is a subjective experience. I will say that, when we're seriously sexually attracted to someone, that feeling tends to be pretty definite; if we ask ourselves "am I attracted to this person, even if I don't want to have sex with them in this exact moment," the answer comes back as a "yes" rather than a "maybe" or an "I guess."