i need help with my identity and accepting it

[o_rue_o]

hi im rue
since i was about 10 ive always thought of myself as a boy and at one point when i was 11 i told my teacher who told my mum who told me i was a girl and that cant change, that was almost 6 years ago and over the last few years feelings have come back up but i always thought to myself ‘oh your just joining the trend, itll go away’ but they have come back a lot.

recently ive been trying to pick up on habits that may suggest that i actually am trans. for example im autistic and get very hyperfocused on things, the last 2 years have been on different rock bands the main ones being blur korn and currently the rolling stones. and every time no matter what band it is i have become OBSESSED with the frontman, trying to copy what they wear trying to copy their attributes but i always thought oh its just coz i think theyre fit yk. but every year it gets stronger and stronger and this most recent one of the rolling stones has really got me stressed out because i keep having thoughts of just wishing i looked like mick jagger and i literally get jealous??? i know this is like REALLY WEIRD but its really confused me because ive tried just putting it down to oh they have good style but now its become actual jealousy?

since these band hyperfixations have come up my mum has asked me repeatedly if i still felt the way i did in year 6 and ive always said no but im really starting to think i might be trans and i really dont know how to cope lol. i watch a lot of ftm videos on tiktok and that same feeling of jealousy comes up again but its almost like i dont want to admit it?? but does that just mean im not trans aha.

another thing is that i dont think a lot of my family would take me seriously, i think my mum would as shes learnt a lot over these last few years but i really dont know about the rest. one side is religious and the other are a bit right winged including my dad. i dont know if coming out properly would relieve my stress or just make it worse. its not like id be in danger if i told them im just scared id feel embarrassed and humiliated and regret what i said and want to take it back.

i guess my main point is, does anyone know how to come to terms with these feelings without feeling overwhelmed or embarrassed? i know that sounds silly but i just want to feel happy with my skin and im scared that if i say im trans, ill one day take it back and feel stupid. im 16 now so i feel like i should know who i am but i really dont lol.

sorry if this was rambly i really dont know how to word this aha

[CaitlinEve]

Hi Rue!

First off, let me say that absolutely nothing you said here was weird or uncommon! What you're describing sounds like gender envy, which is when someone admires and is envious of another person's gender expression. While this doesn't necessarily have to mean that you're trans (or that you're not!), it may help explain what you're feeling.

Ultimately, we can't tell you whether or not you're trans as only you can know! I will say that it does sound like you experience some dysphoria and anxiety on the subject of gender. It's not like these feelings are new for you (not that they would be less valid if they were), so I don't think you need to worry about it being for the 'trend'. It may help you to sit down with your mother and discuss your feelings if you think she would take you seriously, as she seems like she already suspects you may be having these thoughts.

A lot of people make mistakes every day, but I think that being true to yourself if you do think you are trans would never be a mistake, even if later on you realized that that specific gender expression wasn't necessarily for you. And don't beat yourself up over not knowing who you are. You're 16! I'm 22 and I don't even know half the time! There are people who transition in their 70s and 80s. Gender is super broad and unique, and your gender/your journey are just that; yours. Just try to trust yourself.

PS.: the Mick Jagger gender envy is very real and relatable

[Sam W]

Hi Rue,

In addition to all the good advice Cat gave, I want to point you toward this piece from our Trans Summer School series that might help you make sense of how you're feeling: Trans Summer School: So I Think I Might Be Trans. Now What?. Going along with that piece, a helpful question to ask yourself is: if you could snap your fingers and you would instantly have the gender you wanted, and everyone would be accepting of it, what would that gender be?

I do also want to note that the idea of this being you getting caught up in a trend is pretty dang unlikely, for a number of reasons. As Cat said, this isn't a new feeling for you, more one that you've had a while that's being brought to the surface by things you're encountering. But also, the idea that people become trans because it's "trendy" just isn't based on any kind of sound data; it's an idea introduced into the culture by anti-trans folks, to try and dismiss and deter trans people (especially trans kids).