Challenges with exploring my sexuality

[Rose99]

Hi,

So, I am 25 years old and I live with my parents and I can’t afford to move out. They are religious, however, I am an atheist, so I don’t care about premarital sex being sinful or not.

I want to explore my sexuality yet there are hindrances. For example, I have takophobia so I looked into birth control methods to alleviate it, but then the side effects of BC methods scare me. I know side effects are rare but certain side effects are something I am more prone to.

I also, don’t know how I can know if my hookup guy or future boyfriend is trustworthy or not. Will he respect my boundaries or not? A lot of time I hear stories from classmates, then later colleagues that their boyfriends were amazing and respectful but when it came to sex they sort of felt assaulted (not rape) like out of nowhere the guy would start hair pulling and choking even though previously they had told them not to do that. But for the guys it is kinky and in some occasions something that just comes naturally to them with sex. So, it scares me. Because I don’t want that kind of sex. I do want passionate sex, yes, but I want it to be sensual, respectful, rather than scary. I want to feel loved not assaulted.

How can I know that a guy being nice to me and respectful of my boundaries prior to sex is going to be respectful of my boundaries during sex rather than playing it nice to have sex with me?

Other barriers:
- location:
- I can’t bring the guy home to have sex with in my room because my parents are religious.
- I can’t invite him over when they are not home because my parents’ house is covered with cams (door, backyard, driveway)
- I am not allowed to stay out past 11pm
- I can’t afford to pay for hotel, obviously the guy shouldn’t have to pay the entire cost of hotel. And if he turns out to be dangerous or I end up changing my mind about sex then it is waste of money
- I am not comfortable with having sex at the guy’s place because I had a classmate whose boyfriend taped having sex with her, with her consent when they were together. But later used it to blackmail her into staying in the relationship. And he did blackmailing in person rather than via phone so she never had proof to report him either. She stayed with him until he got bored of her and initiated the breakup himself. What a miserable way to live. She told me this in 3rd year of uni, and her relationship ended in 2nd year of uni. But for the time they were together they looked like an ideal couple yet she was forced to be that way, it was a facade.
- Another case, was a movie I watched based on true story where the guy secretly made a video of them having sex, and when the woman wanted to end the relationship he blackmailed her to give ransom to not publish it online. And he kept increasing the ask for money rather than deleting the video.
- Another case was the woman felt safe to invite him to her place for dinner, but instead he roofied her and raped her. (This was also a movie based on true story)
- So, for these reasons, I am not comfortable going to the guy’s place for sex. Because in these situations these women felt safe with their boyfriend and trusted them enough to have sex with them yet this still happened. And when I have my own place I don’t feel comfortable inviting the guy over to my place for that reason.
- I don’t want to do it in a secluded area of a park for safety and privacy reasons
- That basically leaves car as the only option for sex, but I don’t think it is a comfortable space to have sex for the first time. Plus this too would require parking in a secluded area which I don’t feel safe with.
- Any suggestions for location?


- Birth control options are advised to be dual that is in combination with male condom but none of the options are good:
- IUD: https://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/iud-side-effects
- It feels intrusive
- I looked into the procedure it seems very painful. Spoke with some women, only 1 mentioned that the doc numbed before inserting it. Most mentioned severe pain because doc didn’t bother to do that.
- Sometimes expulsions can happen
- It can even rupture the uterus, in rare cases
- Causes severe cramping and heavy bleeding for first 6 months. I already go through cramps and heavy bleeding don’t want this to add to it
- This is however, the only option that doesn’t come with the risk of blood clots and breast cancer
- But I just don’t want to go through this experience
- Ovarian cyst (I already have a small cyst don’t want more)


- Hormonal: https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/pregnancy-parenting/birth-control/birth-control-pros-and-cons-hormonal-methods

- The pill:
- Requires to take it daily, I am a very forgetful person so this option is definitely not gonna work for me
- Besides it is a hormonal bc which comes with the risk of blood clots

- The patch which I initially had found to be a good alternative to the pill because you only need to change it on a weekly basis rather than remember daily however its risks scare me
- May not protect from pregnancy if exposed to direct sun light or heat as it releases more hormone when exposed to heat so for the rest of the week it won’t have the hormone to release
- Patches deliver more estrogen than the low dose bc pills. According to research, women suing the patch are more likely to get dangerous blood clots in the legs and lungs

- Progestin only shot:
- Weight gain
- Decrease levels of good cholesterol
- Cause reversible bone mineral loss (but I am afraid to lose bone mineral because losing bone mineral may make me more prone to injuries and increase healing time)

- Implant
- Scared of the procedure and it share same risks as progestin only shot

- Nuvaring: https://www.nuvaring.com/how-to-use/
- CHC (combined hormonal contraceptive) is associated with increased risk of several serious side effects including blood clots, stroke or heart attack
- Not recommended for women with high blood pressure (I don’t have high blood pressure but I do have anxiety issues that elevate my blood pressure often)
- Can cause depression (I already deal with depression don’t want a bc induced depression as well)

- Barrier methods that need to be used in combination with spermicides
- Spermicides can cause yeast infection and bacterial vaginosis and other infections

Jeez is there any birth control method that doesn’t come with huge risks? Shouldn’t sex be fun? Sometimes I wish I was a guy at least I wouldn’t have to worry about all these side effects. Guys have it easy when it comes to sex. They don’t have to worry about pregnancy the way we have to nor about side effects of BC methods and neither do they have to worry about their safety when it comes to hooking up, they can have worry free sex and I feel resentful about that.
And sometimes I wish I was asexual at least, if not a guy!

[Sam W]

Hi Rose,

We can certainly talk more about birth control options based on the fears you've laid out, as well as the issue of location, but there are some other elements of this I want to address first because, among other things, until you're in different headspace in terms of your trust of a partner and your comfort with risk, being sexual with another person just isn't going to be a sound choice in terms of being kind to yourself.

You're right that, in heterosexual relationships, women do carry the lions share of the risks in terms of pregnancy and personal safety. And it sucks that we still live in a society where one of the bigger dangers to women is men, especially men they are or have been in a relationship with. But I hate to say it, even if you were a guy, that's no promise of worry-free sexual encounters; you could be a queer or trans guy, or you could be a guy of any kind who ends up with a girlfriend who's abusive or a woman who chooses to assault them (and, sadly, we know asexual folks often face assault from partners or people trying to "fix" them). One of the many crummy parts of living in rape culture is that it creates a situation where sexual harm could come to anyone, even though some of us are at a greater risk of it.

A lot of the worry I'm hearing from you centers on how you can know a partner is really trustworthy, and that they'll be respectful during sex. Given that you have at least one friend who survived abuse (that's what the blackmail is)and others who have had boyfriends do things they were explicitly not asked to do (which, in my book, is assault), I can see how that question would be extra-present in your mind.

For the record, choosing to do things like pull hair or choke a partner isn't something that just comes naturally to some guys that they can't control. It's a choice they're making. And even if someone is interested in "kinky" elements of sex, whether or not they explore a given one is a decision they make with a partner; it's not some automatic response to being in a sexual situation. Too, when a partner does something we told them not to during sex, we have every right to bring sex to a screeching halt (assuming we feel safe doing so), we don't just have to accept it as part of having sex with a guy.

As for how you can know a partner is trustworthy, that's one of those things where time is a big factor. Seeing the person in different situations, how they treat you and others in different circumstances or when they're in certain moods, whether boundaries seem to matter to them and whether they respect them from everyone, things like that. Too, you can notice how they act when you're physically intimate in ways that aren't sex, whether they ask before doing things, and how they respond in the moment if you need to stop or set a boundary.

But here's the thing: there is no way to guarantee that a person we trust enough to be sexual with will be worthy of that trust, especially if it's the first time we're doing it with them. We can pay attention to signs, we can be explicit in our communication, but how that other person acts is on them, not us. That's one of the risks anyone takes on with sex, especially with a new partner.

There's more to discuss here, but that was a lot of stuff all at once. How are you feeling about what I've said so far?

[Rose99]

Hi,

Thanks for getting back to me. Yes it would be great to talk about birth control options side effects fear and location. You are right, I do need to work on my trust issues when it comes to having sex.

I understand that a trans guy would face a lot of risk in getting abused. But what I am talking about is guy have it easy when it comes to sex in heterosexual relationships. Yes there is a chance for them to end up with an abusive girlfriend but it is a RARE case for them yet for us getting abused is not a distant reality. We have to worry about a lot more when it comes to sex like pregnancy (although yes a guy who doesn’t want to be a father would be worried too but we women have more to deal with when it comes to pregnancy compared to a guy), birth control side effects, and not knowing if the guy is going to be respectful during sex. I understand that we don’t have to continue having sex with the guy when he start being abusive during sex. But to be honest, there is not much we can do other then say stop, depending on the guy we may or may not be able to push them off. Guys in general are heavier and more muscular than women. As for the classmate she tried to end things with her boyfriend but he used their video to blackmail her into staying. And a video like that does affect the women more than it affects the men due to the society we live in. Where men being sexual is celebrated but women are called misogynistic terms for enjoying it. And a woman’s reputation is more at stake than the guy’s even when it is not the woman’s fault. People love to blame woman for being in that situation to begin with. Anyway, to mitigate the other part, I decided to work on being physically active and then plan on enrolling in martial arts classes so I would be able to defend myself. But I do wish I would not have to use martial arts defence techniques.

Hmmmm, yes time is a big factor. But most people expect sex on 3rd-4th date. Although yes I know I can set a boundary. But haha no guy accepts my boundary because they think 3 months without sex is reasonable but 1 year is not. But the thing is, I am no longer in uni and I don’t want to mix work with pleasure, hence my only option is online dating. And I feel like a guy can’t pretend for 1 year, but definitely can pretend till 3 months into a relationship. Plus because of how we meet, there is no way to know how he behaves with other people. My only interaction is with that person 1 on 1. So, I need 1 year before being intimate, which guys take it as lack of interest and attraction. And in a way, I suppose deep down I know no one would agree to wait for a year and still put it out there, I guess I am just not ready to have sex so I put a condition that is impossible to fulfill? But I do want to have sex though, and I feel like I do need 1 year of dating before being that vulnerable with the guy. And there is also my fear of birth control side effects and location problem.


How can I see the person in different situations when meeting someone off the dating apps? Yeah can you elaborate more on these points and how I can know this when I meet the person off of dating apps? [you said, “ how they treat you and others in different circumstances or when they're in certain moods, whether boundaries seem to matter to them and whether they respect them from everyone, things like that. Too, you can notice how they act when you're physically intimate in ways that aren't sex, whether they ask before doing things, and how they respond in the moment if you need to stop or set a boundary.”] By physically intimate in ways that aren’t sex, do you mean hugs?

As for guys asking before doing things, honestly I am tired of toxic masculinity. I see other guys giving screwed up advice to guys on forums when the guy ask how to initiate kiss, and guys comment, “be a man and go for it. She would appreciate you just going in for it”. Apparently, asking is unnatural and spoils the mood based on comments on the forum. However, asking actually shows respect and for me at least is a turn on because it tells me the guy respects me. I try to leave my this comment on such posts but I don’t know if the poster even end up seeing my comment among majority of weird comments. I have had experience with guys where they just went for the hug on first date at the end, and it just made me really uncomfortable. And after the date, I end up texting them that I am not comfortable with hugs this soon and need emotional connection for hugs to be meaningful and want hugs to be consensual. 1 guy was respectful of this but we were incompatible in other ways and another guy ghosted me after I sent that message. And another asked me what else and when I mentioned that before getting more intimate than hugs I would prefer 1 year of dating and he said it is unreasonable to expect a guy to wait that long when most people have sex on 3rd or 4th date. And or max 3 months into dating. So then after that I started telling guys my boundary on first date, and lol the 2nd date never happens. Which oddly enough, I feel relieved when it doesn’t lead to another date, because I am thinking it is good that instead of leading me on and later coercing me he just let me know it is not gonna work.

Btw, is 1 year boundary around sex unreasonable? If so, what would be a reasonable amount? I don’t feel comfortable with 3 months though because it doesn’t seem like enough time specially in the context of online dating when you meet the guy only once every week (basically weekends, weekday is work, and we have other things to do in life besides date so don’t use both days of the weekend for dates). That’s just 12 meetings. And dates typically last from 1-3 hours. It is not enough time for me to know and trust the guy enough to have sex with him. Specially since guys can easily be pretentious for the duration of such short dates. However, I suppose if I had met the guy in uni, where I am regularly spending time with him, 3 months would have been enough for me to start having sex with him. I kinda regret not dating in uni and starting this late.

[Ellie]

Hi Rose 99,

I can understand your concerns, and I just would like to reiterate what Sam said earlier:

Until you're in different headspace in terms of your trust of a partner and your comfort with risk, being sexual with another person just isn't going to be a sound choice in terms of being kind to yourself... We can pay attention to signs, we can be explicit in our communication, but how that other person acts is on them, not us. That's one of the risks anyone takes on with sex, especially with a new partner.

It sounds like since that is not a risk you're ready to take, you've set a boundary with your dates for not having sex, which I think is a very reasonable choice considering your wish to get to know and trust the person first. I feel the exact same way when it comes to dating new people! I think it's great that you were able to communicate to the date who hugged you that it was uncomfortable for you. In order to find what you're looking for, it's going to be a matter of sifting through dates to find a person whose intentions match your own. It would be helpful to find that out early on, by communicating that you're looking for an emotional connection and it will take some time to get closer before you're ready for sex. Personally, I think it might be less intimidating if you let go of the 1 year rule and just left it open to however long it takes for you to be comfortable. Once you start hanging out with a person it gets a lot easier to know them, you probably will even get a chance to hang out in a group setting with your friends or theirs. You might be surprised that some people really appreciate taking things slow! That's exactly how I started things with my current partner, and he found it to be very comforting because it showed him that I care about who he is as a person.

When I frame it this way, does it sound better to you?

[Rose99]

Hi,

I get that but ai can think still talking about the birth control side effects I fear and discussing perhaps another bc method/s that doesn’t come with those risks and the location problem, might help ease my anxiety around sex. So, I think it is still worth discussing.

Can we discuss this as well?

How can I see the person in different situations when meeting someone off the dating apps? Yeah can you elaborate more on these points and how I can know this when I meet the person off of dating apps? [you said, “ how they treat you and others in different circumstances or when they're in certain moods, whether boundaries seem to matter to them and whether they respect them from everyone, things like that. Too, you can notice how they act when you're physically intimate in ways that aren't sex, whether they ask before doing things, and how they respond in the moment if you need to stop or set a boundary.”] By physically intimate in ways that aren’t sex, do you mean hugs?

Also, I feel like if I don’t specify 1 year then I would feel like I am leading them on into believing sex can happen even in 6 months when I may not be comfortable doing it. So, I feel like mentioning a specific time can give them a picture of who they are dealing with and if they want to wait that long or not. They should have a choice to wait or not and they have the right to know how long and decide whether it is a duration they can wait for or not. I for one, definitely wouldn’t want someone to lead me on, so I don’t want to lead them on by being vague by omitting the 1 year rule. But I am glad to hear that there are guys who are ok to wait and that 1 year is not unreasonable.

If you don’t mind me asking, may I ask how long you waited before doing it? And did you meet him online or through work or uni? How did you know you can trust him?

[Ellie]

Sure, what is your specific question regarding birth control? Every option does come with pros and cons.

And of course, I think what Sam meant by "physically intimate" is if the person asks you if you're okay with a hug, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc. Those things require consent too, and if you set a boundary or need to stop, how they respond is an indicator of how they might respond in a sexual situation. Even boundaries that aren't physical at all are part of how a person shows you respect. Having to cancel a date with them, expressing that you don't want to share or talk about something in particular, things of that nature. You can pay attention to how they speak about or behave around their friends, and just get a sense of how they make you feel in general.

Okay, I can understand that. If you're concerned about leading someone on, or if they make you feel pressured to have sex within a certain time frame, that person probably isn't for you. Saying "I don't know when I'll want to have sex" is enough information for them to make a decision. It's not leading them on, it's being truthful with them. If they push back with "well, how long?" then it's probably incompatible, because they are looking for something different than you are, and there could potentially be pressure hanging over you, waiting for you to be ready. Perhaps you could think of one year as a "what if" question, rather than an imposed rule. You want to find someone who doesn't mind not having sex and is just happy to spend time getting to know you. If it would ease your mind to say, "would it be okay with you even if I wasn't ready a year from now?" then I think that's perfectly reasonable.

And sure, I don't mind sharing a bit about my own experience. I met my partner through a dating app, and we spent a lot of time chatting and getting to know each other before even meeting up. We video called a few times first, then went on our first date and just hung out around town. He was pretty forward and flirtatious in the very beginning, so I had to set the boundary by telling him that I don't want to do anything sexual for a while until I am comfortable. He understood and never asked when I would be ready. He told me that I should feel safe to take my time, as long as it takes. The thing is, I didn't know I could trust him, because there's never a guarantee, but I felt comfortable enough to put my trust in him because he always respected me and never ever pressured me to do anything. He made it clear to me that my comfort was most important to him, and he had no problem whatsoever with waiting. He really appreciated that I viewed sex as something special and based in trust. My trust was built based off of my emotional experience with him. Before I met my current partner, I had been in an abusive relationship with someone who put a lot of pressure on me, and I learned a lot about how to listen to what my own feelings are telling me. Any time someone does something to make me feel afraid, I take note of how they are treating me. As time went on with my new person, I couldn't recall a time where he made me feel unsafe or uneasy. So I trusted intuitively, and things worked out well! It's been eight months and we've still never had sex in the traditional sense, but that's not because of trust, it's just down to personal preference. And we're both okay with that!

Does that answer your question?

[Rose99]

Yes in my first post I mentioned the concerns I have regarding birth control options cons, and the challenges with location. You can refer to that to respond about that.

Ah that makes sense thank you so much for elaborating that definitely helps!

Ah thanks for explaining that. Also, do I ask the question, “ would it be okay with you even if I wasn't ready a year from now?” in the same conversation or as a check in later on in the relationship after first mentioning that I am not sure when I’d want to have sex?

Thanks for sharing your experience this is really helpful because it takes pressure off me to feeling like my 1 year rule is maybe unreasonable. (I do get what you said about it like not think of it as a hard rule. But I mean as in taking long time to get comfortable with a person before having sex). It’s good to see that even in this hookup culture there are real people completely ok with waiting and do prioritize the comfort of their partner. And it is also reassuring to know that a guy willing to wait can be found on a dating app.

I am sorry to hear that your previous relationship was abusive. But I am really happy that you finally found a guy who values your comfort, doesn’t pressure you and really values you. Honestly, I am really grateful for hearing your positive experience because the kind I heard from my classmate and colleagues made me anxious and on top of that the movies I watched based on true stories. And you are around my age so it gives me hope that guys in my age bracket are willing to wait despite the hookup culture we live in.

[Sam W]

Hi Rose,

I'm so glad the conversation you're having with Ellie has been helpful!

With the concerns you laid out about the various methods, it sounds like the IUD or Implant, and maybe the Shot, might be your best bets. With the Shot, some of the risks, like the cholesterol, are manageable (and if you were interested in this option, or any option, your healthcare provider should be willing to discuss the risks as they relate to your own health history), and while weight gain is treated as a negative outcome, it's more a side effect than an actual risk.

With the IUD and Implant, it sounds like a lot of your concerns are about the procedure and the fact that it can be painful and intrusive. You're not wrong about that, though with IUDs we actually have a piece all about managing pain during insertion and recovery: How to Manage Pain with IUD Insertions. But I wonder if it would help to think of this as being similar to a lot of other medical procedures we're likely to undergo in the course of our lives, where we're facing discomfort and pain in the short term to protect and care for ourselves and our health in the long term.

Too, I think these three methods might be the ones to consider because they're the most effective by far at preventing pregnancy. And if the main reason you're currently getting trying to choose one is to manage tokophobia, then I think the more effective a method you choose, the more it's likely to actually help with that phobia. Does that make sense?

With location, I think that all depends on where you are in your life more generally AND in your relationship with a prospective partner. For instance, if by the time you find a partner you want to be sexual with you're no longer living at home, or you otherwise have a living space with more privacy, then you might have the option of bringing a partner there. And if this is a partner you trust, you might find you're comfortable going to his place instead. I do recommend steering clear of cars; they don't offer all that much privacy, and you're technically having sex in a public place.