How should I approach talking about vaginal pain (with doctors or a partner?)

[tinybigegg]

I always assumed I had vaginismus because I had significant pain when trying to insert fingers or a penis into my vagina. It felt like a wall was blocking my vaginal opening, even if I was really aroused or used lube.

Recently, I’ve noticed if I breathe from my diaphragm instead of shallow breathing from my chest, I can insert two fingers but it feels like a muscle is tightly gripping my fingers at the entrance and I have to slowly remove my fingers or I will feel pain. Once my fingers are fully in, even if I’m aroused, it just kind of feels like fingers in my vagina and it’s not super pleasurable, no matter what techniques I use. I decided to remain abstinent for a while, so no one has fingered me yet since I tried deep breathing. I’m not sure if another person’s fingers would feel different (the same way tickling yourself feels different from another person doing it). I find the idea of vaginal penetration with fingers (or a dildo or penis) to be super arousing but I feel disappointed that I don’t really get much out of it. I’m not sure how to share this with partners, especially when I feel super aroused, and ask to be fingered and then end up being really tight even with a lot lube. I also noticed that sometimes I am so tight that lubrication from my vagina will be minimal, but then later I will feel a huge gush of it “leaking”out when I laugh (this isn’t the norm but it occasionally happens).

I also spoke to a doctor about it and she just said to push past the pain. Other doctors seem quite avoidant to talk about it, but I want to know if the pain is stemming from issues with my pelvic floor or my hymen being thick. I don’t want it to further lead to incontinence and I want to be able to have children in the future. I just feel like doctors are not taking it seriously because it’s not life threatening and I’m not currently trying to conceive.

[Jacob]

Hey tinybigegg! I don't think it would be the hymen/corona given how you've described it; it sounds more like an involuntary muscular thing, given how you're speaking about the squeezing, and it sounds somewhat inline with vaginismus, which you've already considered.

I'm so sorry that doctors have been avoidant and dismissive to be honest, because I think how you've described the problem here should be more than enough for them to acknowledge the problem and offer help, and "pushing through" without any further detail sounds like it could just as easily make things worse, or cause an injury. Are you able to see a gynecologist or someone who is more capable of talking about the vagina, because these doctors don't seem very good on this particular topic!

With partnered sex, I think it'd be good to describe to a supportive partner what you're going through so your experience of experimenting with them can bear this in mind, you can try out whatever you want and see how it feels, and there is no need to expect your body to do something it isn't currently doing. You could avoid any kind of disappointment by explaining that this might happen, which might have the positive side-effect of you feeling less pressure to perform and having a better experience in general. At the same time it should be OK for someone's sex with you to go differently to how they expected! It's not on you!