can’t seem to orgasm

[lesbianenby]

hi,
i’m a 23 year old AFAB. throughout my life i’ve tried a few different sex toys in addition to regular masturbation but i just can’t seem to be able to orgasm.
i get aroused, it feels good (especially with the clitoral vibrator) but i still can’t seem to hit orgasm…
with the new clitoral toy i have, it feels too good at times that it’s overwhelming and i’m unsure if that’s normal or not. sometimes when it gets way too much i have to stop. i’m apparently able to squirt with that particular toy (i’m assuming that’s what it is) but no orgasms.
do they happen and i just can’t tell the difference? i’ve been struggling with this for a few years now and it just feels so embarrassing and underwhelming every time i try. i don’t want to keep buying toys just to be disappointed :// any advice?
thanks!

[KierC]

Hi there Lesbianenby, and welcome to the boards

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having trouble reaching orgasm. I hear you, too, that you’ve tried new methods (incorporating a toy) and that you feel intense sensation, but perhaps not an orgasm. I cannot tell whether or not you’ve experienced an orgasm, but it does sound like you’ve experienced some feelings that folks experience during orgasm, such as a building of pressure, an overwhelming feeling, even squirting. That being said, I hear you that you’ve been struggling with this and that different methods haven’t quite worked for you.

The process of becoming orgasmic is a bit of a trial-and-error process, but I don’t really like to think about it as an “error” when an orgasm doesn’t happen — even if you don’t orgasm, you can still experience pleasure during masturbation, but more on that later.

In terms of how to become orgasmic, you’re already doing great by trying a few different toys and methods and masturbating regularly, but I hear you that you haven’t felt like you’ve reached an orgasm yet. If you think about sexual response as a play between your body and mind, it follows that the process of reaching orgasm has a lot of moving parts. What erogenous zones are engaged, what kind of touch you’re applying (with different pressures, rhythms, and movements), how lubricated you are; and how aroused, relaxed, and “mentally ready” you are — these all work together to create feelings of pleasure and orgasm. So, that’s a lot of moving parts in play, and it’s ok to take time to find out which combination of all of those work for you.

There’s also a lot of sexual context that goes into pleasure and orgasm. Emily Nagoski talks about this and a lot more that may be useful for you, in their book Come As You Are. For example, do you find that certain situations, fantasies, or thoughts get you into a pleasurable mood? Are there scents, colors, lights that make you excited that you can engage with to “set the scene” as it were? This is more exploration to do, but it can go a long way to getting your mind into the right space for orgasm.

Finally, I would be remiss not to say that pleasure absolutely exists outside of orgasm. Most people who have a vulva and vagina can become orgasmic, but the process of becoming orgasmic doesn’t have to be a bummer. I think about orgasm and masturbation sometimes like playing pool/billiards: to me, even if I don’t “win” or even “get close,” as long as I hit a few balls around and had some fun, I can go home and feel good about it. In a similar way with masturbation and orgasm, as long as you can feel relaxed and pleasurable, you can walk away feeling like you were able to make yourself feel good.