Intimacy after cocsa

[Gabby_06]

I am Gabrielle, i am 17 years old and i come from Spain. I have a amazing girlfriend who supports me in everything and viceversa, she is really patient and understanding of my fear of physical touch. 3 years ago, something triggered me and made me remember some incidents of sexual abuse when i was younger, which made me really confuse because it was done by some minors 2 years older than me(i was 8-9 and they were 10-11). At first i thought it was some joke but then it really affected me when receiving physical touch from other people. Recently, i want to have some intimacy with my girlfriend, but everytime it escalates to certain point i kinda get triggered or just freeze or cry or just zone out. I know she understands but i really want to have that moment as much as she wants to. I am just getting desperate at this point. Can someone with me some advice?

[Sam W]

Hi Gabby_06,

I want to start by saying I'm sorry both for the fact that you experienced abuse, but also for the fact that the fallout from it is influencing you now. You mention that you came to understand the abuse as such about 3 years ago. Did you receive any support around that realization, either in informal ways from family and friends or through more formal ways like therapy or support groups? Or were you kind of left to deal with it on your own?

If you haven't yet read it, I would take a look at this piece for some ideas on how to approach the healing process while treating yourself with kindness and care: I'm a sexual abuse survivor: how do I get okay being intimate again?. If there are steps recommended in that article that you want to try, but aren't sure how to begin, that's absolutely something we can talk about with you.

Too, do you think it would help for you and your girlfriend to focus on other forms of intimacy, physical or otherwise? That could help you foster that connection between you two and help you engage in activities you both enjoy without you bumping up against activities that trigger you.

[Gabby_06]

Hi! Thank you for answering and i have been attending to therapy for 2 years now, and i have the support of my friends and partnert and some members of my family, thank you for asking. And speaking of other forms of intimacy such as physical intimacy, i would like to say we are comfortable in that area, but i dont know other forms of intimacy. I will also take a look at the article. Thank u!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm glad to hear you have support! In therapy, have you been able to talk about the interaction between trauma and your desire to be sexual with your girlfriend?

I really love this piece of ours on intimacy: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots. It's a deeper look at the concept and all the ways it can manifest in a relationship, but it also includes ideas for ways to express intimacy to another person that have nothing to do with sex.

[Gabby_06]

Hi again! Sorry I didnt know you would reply this fast but I really appreciate it. I havent tell my therapist about this topic, because I feel a little insecure about all of this. They know I have a girlfriend but whenever they ask me about the status of my relatioship or the intimacy, i just answer these questions with few words. Should i tell my therapist? And the past article you recommended me was really useful, thank u

[Sam W]

I'm glad the article was helpful!

If you're comfortable doing so, I'd try broaching this topic with your therapist, especially since they've asked about it. Trauma affects our lives in all sorts of ways, and so part of addressing that trauma can be digging into the way it's playing out in our relationships or our sex lives. If it would be helpful, we could talk about ways to raise this topic in therapy that might help it feel less daunting.

Too, I want to say that if there are some sexual activities that never feel comfortable to you, for trauma reasons or for other reasons, that is absolutely okay. We don't have to be--and I'd argue most people aren't--comfortable with every available sexual activity.