Sexual frustration

[Leonor]

I'm 17 year old girl, almost 18, and i never had my first kiss or first time yet. Well when it comes to kissing, yes i have been kissed before, but i never kissed anyone (if that makes sense) - When i talk about being kissed i mean those childish kisses that consists on just press their lips together and that's it..no real kisses..


I discovered myself queer at 14, but i have dated a boy in pre-school and another one in middle school, so those boys kissed me, but i never liked it, because i actually didn’t like them i just thought i did because they liked me. Then i found out i was into girls and this whole new world opened to me and i didn’t count those experiences with those boys anymore because of that. So at 16 some of my friends (straight girls) had this idea of kissing eachother so we did and that was the first time i kissed a girl. I was happy for a while but then i realized that it didn’t even mean anything for them, because they are not even queer. So as high school keept going everyone around me starts dating and have sex, and i was this weird quiet friend in a corner, nobody understands because they are all straight and have it so much easier, even the one queer couple in my class, they just had all this experiences before that made them be together. I can't even understand how that happens. How do you date someone? How does that just happen? What do you mean everyone is dating but me? and the ones that aren't are just fine with it..but im not..

So because of that it's so sexual frustrating because masturbation doesn't do it anymore and i find myself wanting to kiss everyone i find remotely atractive (mostly older women which doesn't help my situation, honestly at this point i would be even with a boy if that would made me experience some of those things for once). But then i don't because for me to do that i need to know what to do first, and for most people they had this first boyfriend or girlfriend but i didn’t, or i had but it was a boy and was traumatizing more then special and for me i didn’t had this special first things yet, so how am i suposed to go out and be with people like this? i don't wanna wait anymore, but i don't want it to be with a random person. What do i do?

Sex toys i can't buy without my family notice, i already tried so many things (believe me) and i just end up depressed, because i can't live this part of myself like other people my age do. Im not sure what's wrong with me, but i sincerly would like to know.

[Ellie]

Hi Leonor,

Welcome to the boards! I understand your frustration completely. There is nothing wrong with you. It can be hard not to compare our own journeys to others, but I want to remind you that you have so much time. You are not alone. It's normal for these experiences to take time, and I can assure you that there are plenty of people your age and older who feel the same way. It's okay. It's great to be thinking about the future and knowing what you want. In time you'll meet people who you connect with, just keep making friends and being you.

[Sam W]

Hi Leonor,

I want to build on some of the points Ellie made. While it might feel like you're the only person your age who isn't dating, or hasn't had a certain amount of romantic or sexual experience, the truth is that there are a LOT of people in the exact same boat as you. Yes, it's common for people to date in high school, but it's equally common for people to leave high school, or college for that matter, with little to know dating experience. That's all to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with you; we each more through our romantic lives on unique timelines.

Too, as you've noted, you have an extra challenge here in that you're queer, which in many contexts can narrow your pool of available partners; that has nothing to do with you as a person or your value as a partner. In that vein, I wouldn't recommend kissing or otherwise pursuing a guy when you're not actually interested in men. Right now, it sounds like you're chasing a very specific version of what it's like to be kissed, and that's just not going to happen with someone who isn't even of the gender you're actually attracted to. Why engage in something that's unlikely to be fun for you (or for the other person) just to check off a box, you know?

If it would be helpful, we can certainly talk about ways you could navigate dating and trying to find a partner! As a starting place for that conversation, I want to say that the more you can try to let go of that feeling of, "I need someone, ANYONE," the better this is likely to go in the long run. When we're approaching dating from an angle of desperation, that's not a good foundation for even a casual relationship. And it can honestly be crummy for the person on the other end too, because they end up feeling like you're dating them to fill the whole marked "partner." Does that make sense?

[Leonor]

Hi Sam W!

Thank you for your reply. You're right i think its not good to rush into something just to say i did it, but i really would like to have that experience. I know that sounds desperate, but as you suggested, what advice would you give me, so i can make that happen? Find someone?

Since im queer and a live in a very isolated area from the city there's no one i can even be friends with, let along date, but i go to the city to study, because im starting collage this year, so in that context, how do i find someone?

I must say im a very introverted person and i never talk with people ever, because everyone is so diferent from me, i don't feel interested. But then everytime i found one girl that i consider attactive, she is dating or she is way out of my league, so here's the thing: is there anything, anything at all, that you can think that would help me?

[Latha]

Hi Leonor!

If you want to find someone to date, your best bet is to look for opportunities to meet new people and make friends. This will probably get much easier when you are in college, but for now, what do you think of looking for events and clubs that you can attend while you are in the city? Depending on where you are, you might even have luck finding events aimed at queer people — I did a quick search, and I found LGBT hiking groups and meetups for queer women in Lisbon.

Sometimes difference can be a barrier to understanding, but it doesn't have to be. People who are different from you can still be genuinely interested in getting to know you, and you might enjoy getting to know them. It isn't wrong to look for people you have things in common with, but try to be open to surprises.

What makes you think these girls are out of your league?

[Leonor]

Hi Latha!

Well, i live in Coimbra, so i can't go to these events in Lisbon that you said, but thank you anyway.
About me saying they are out of my league, its true, because i never have a chance with them to begin with. First things first, they're usually way older...teachers..and i know that's a problem that i have to just deal with on my own, but im also talking about the girls my age that i find atractive. Its like an impossible thing for me to acomplish, i have no idea how to act or speak with a girl without them thinking im their friend. And i can't just pretend and act confident in a conversation without knowing what the hell am i doing, you know? Girls don't usually like me that way, so i feel like everyone percieves me as their friend and not someone that they might be with? does that make sense?

I think its because its obvious i don't have any experience, which i understand, but its also frustrating. For exemple, i liked this girl two years ago , she was the first girl i genuinly liked , but she had already had a girlfriend in the past so she was way ahead of me, she was like my way into the queer world, sort of. Months passed and she just said that she didn't wanted anything with me, because she didn’t want to be the first of anyone and all that bullshit, she said many things that made me just stop to think that: "everyone had their firsts already, they just want to have fun now". I understand all of that, but it feels like as the time passes it gets worse, because everyone around me, believe me, is doing some sort of sexual or romantic thing. And when Ellie said that there's people like me too,i believe her, but i don't wanna be part of that group of people, it doesn’t bring me comfort to know that, so i'm at a point that i honestly don't know what to do anymore.

[Ro S]

Hi Leonor,

I can really hear that you're wanting for there to be change in your romantic and sex life but are finding yourself deeply frustrated with things not changing or feeling like you're stuck in your current situation.

I'm sorry to hear you experienced that with someone you genuinely liked. Being rejected by someone you really like because they "don't want to be anyone's first" is hard. Though, I want you to know that this is not a universal preference and you may find others who don't have expectations of your sexual experience or knowledge. Also, while it may be true that many people around you may be exploring their sexuality, it doesn't mean that you necessarily need to move at the same rate as them. I get the frustration and the wanting for something to change as quickly as possible, and all I want to say is that you are not behind in anyway. It sounds to me like you're very worried about not wanting part of a group of people with limited experience - would you say this is something that drives you to want to date? What do you think are the expectations you're building for yourself on the topic of dating? Do you think that they are helpful?

Everything that you shared makes complete sense to me. I think it can be a very difficult thing to feel confident in dating when we feel like we're behind or don't have as much experience as the people we are attracted to. You mentioned that the girls that you're attracted to only see you as a friend, have you ever tried asking a girl you find attractive out? Sometimes (if not most of the time), we get so caught up in our own expectations or thought patterns that we get in our own way! It takes a little leap to regain our self-confidence and see some of the change we're craving for. Would you like to talk about the possibility of asking other people out on a date for when you're in college?

[Leonor]

Hi Ro S!

Thanks for your answer.

About what drives me to date..im not sure i can anwser that. I feel that i want someone, i want to be someone's girlfriend and have one, i want to have someone that i can be myself with. I want to be able to do all those romantic things everyone does while dating, but i can't do that if i don't have anyone, right? Its so simple..i don't understand why it doesn’t happen to me..

I never asked a girl out. Im not sure how to say this, but i struggle to understand my feelings, so if i like a girl im not gonna say anything to her, because i don't believe that i actually like her, does that makes sense? In the moment it feels like its no big deal and i assume that its surreal or impossible. So i know what you're gonna say is: "then how do you expect to find someone if you don't believe in it in the first place?". Well that's my fault i know, but its a reflex, its automatic and i just realize that after that moment passed. I also feel so intimidated that it feels that im having a panic atack just to think about go to a girl and ask her out. It makes me feel so overwhelmed, that i just can't, y'know?..and because i don't like people that often it sucks, then my life just stays like this. Frustrating.

About college, well im not even sure what's gonna happen, im terrified. I don't even know if im gonna be accepted at the collage that i applyed to or not. Im gonna be in the middle of duzens of people that i don't know, so im probably gonna panic everyday for the first few weeks, so im not gonna ask anyone out..im sure.

[HannahP]

Hi Leonor!

I'm getting the sense that you have a lot going on right now that's making you feel anxious, overwhelmed, and uncertain about the future — is that right? It makes sense to me that at this point in your life, where you're at the beginning of some big life changes like preparing to go to college and live in a new environment, that it's extra intimidating to imagine how dating will work in that new context!

It sounds like anxiety is a bigger part of your life than just when thinking about sex and dating. Do you think that's true — that anxiety is something you struggle with in general? If you're not sure, we have a resource page about it here: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources. That page doesn't list any resources specific to Portugal (it does have online resources and book recommendations that anyone can use), but if you'd like us to help you find more resources you would have access to, we would be happy to help!

When it comes to feeling anxiety about dating specifically (and especially feeling like you're not going to be any good at it or like it's bound to go badly), we just published a new article that has some suggestions for how to change that kind of thinking that could be useful to you. It's called How to Change A Pass/Fail Dating Mindset. Maybe you could give it a read and let me know what you think about it?

[Leonor]

Hi HannaP!

I checked out the new article you suggested about the dating mindset, and there are very interesting points there, but that article assumes i already asked that person on a date or that i've been asked, and explores it in a way that no matter what happens im gonna learn something from that. Although, i must say that i can't even put myself in that situation, the first article about anxiety that you suggested and i checked out is basicly how i feel and i know that that's not okay and i should seek help, but i just can't right now, so i'll just have to try go past that.

I'm realizing that maybe im just not ready for dating or stuff like that, so i think im just gonna have to deal with it too. Thanks for your help tho.

[HannahP]

Hi Leonor,

Although I do think that the strategy suggested in the Pass/Fail article applies well to being afraid to ask someone on a date, I get the sense that the whole idea feels pretty overwhelming to you right now! It's totally okay to set that aside for now to focus on other things.

Would you be willing to say more about why you can't seek help for your anxiety right now? If you have logistical concerns (like not being able to get yourself to a therapist's office or not wanting your parents to know you're seeking help or being too busy), we can help brainstorm and look for resources that would better fit your circumstances. If you feel anxious or uncomfortable about the idea of seeking help, we can talk through what it might be like to try to make it seem less intimidating. And if it's really just not something you want to pursue right now, we could talk about some strategies you could use to help manage anxiety on your own.

[Leonor]

Hi HannaP,

I already been in therapy last year, it didn’t go so well. I didn’t like it very much, it made my anxiety way worse and i felt awfull during those weeks. It just wasn't a dynamic that it helped me, and i didn’t have money to keep going, so i just stoped going. (I went for other reasons tho, but in the end it would still be the same if i went for these reasons).

If you wanna sugest something that would help me without gointo to therapy i would be very gratefull.

[CaitlinEve]

Hi Leonor,

Did you get a chance to check out the article with non-therapy suggestions and resources for managing your anxiety that HannaP linked in one of her earlier responses? Hearing your thoughts on those could help us provide more specific suggestions for you!