Doubts about the continuation of my relationship

[julianorion]

I've been dating for 1 year and 8 months. I've always really liked my girlfriend (she's my first), and I've always felt very, very connected. However, in the last few months, that has changed drastically, after I discovered something that she had been hiding since we met. This ended up making me really sad at the time, but I decided to give it a chance, since finding out about this was caused by a mistake of mine, too. I should talk to her about it exactly, but I can't. I can't.

However, I can't see her the same way anymore. When she says nice things to me, I can't connect with her and respond in kind. I don't know if I'm happier with her, honestly. And that hurts, because I know she really likes me, and she always makes that very clear. At the same time, I've been going through a difficult time in the last few months, with my depression - I don't know to what extent that influences it. I'm confused if it's better to break up...

[Jacob]

Hi Julian!

Before we get started I want to check you haven't used your real full name in your username have you?

If so, we ask that for your own safety (and ours) that people don't do that here, then I'd also ask if there a username you'd prefer which I can change it to(?).

With your relationship, I'm sorry that your feelings for your girlfriend have changed, that can happen for lots of reasons, many of which are nobody's fault but when it happens it can be really heartbreaking.

My initial thought is that even if you think you might feel like you're more happy with her than not with her in general... there are specifics here which might mean it's better to be honest and end things even if it hurts, so I think it's good you're considering it.

We really should want to be in healthy, mutually respectful relationships so I think there's also a recognition here that you're not currently feeling able to give her the kind of care that she is giving you, and so you're not giving her some of what she should have from a partner. It hurts to realise you're not being that anymore but I think it can be kinder to break up with someone than to be a poor partner to them.

It sounds like you've already talked to her about whatever the thing was you found out, but if you haven't already I'd attempt at least to talk about it and spend 90% of that conversation listening and trying to understand her a little better as it sounds like the disconnect is happening around that specific topic, which only understanding can bridge. If however you still don't feel up to it, then breaking up might be the right thing. Is it fair to say that that is more-or-less where your heart is at the moment?