Worried I’ve been sending my boyfriend mixed signals (about wanting to have sex)

[Mitzi!!]

Hi!! So I (18) have been dating a boy (19) for 2 months. I like him so much! We’re both in our freshman year in college which is how we met. So far, we’ve made out a lot, but haven’t done anything sexual. (Both of us are virgins/first relationship).

The first time we were making out he said right away that he was ready to have sex (I assume the penetrative kind), which totally spooked me bc I did not feel ready at all (we had only been dating for 1 day at that point). I told him this and he said “okay, you can let me know when you’re ready.” I appreciate him saying this as I think he had good intentions but I feel bad having to be the brakes when we do stuff/I feel like I’m keeping him waiting. (As for his eagerness, I think he was just really caught up in the moment and excited—so was I!—and probably he, like many teenage boys, thinks about sex a lot and is curious and eager to do it.)

Well, newsflash. SEX IS ON MY MIND TOO! A LOT actually, and I want to do it, eventually. But I think him being ready (or at least saying he was) right off the bat threw me off, and now I am feeling this weird pressure, I’m worried it will get in the way of me enjoying physical affection and I think it’s what’s currently preventing me from moving forward. Like sex is something intimate and 1) I don’t like the idea of us moving at different speeds 2) I'd like to build up our intimacy gradually so that I feel more comfortable doing sexual things together

He has brought it up once since then (also while we were making out) but I said I still wasn’t ready, and I like just kissing and making out. I also told him that we would need to have a conversation before we have sex (about birth control and just like setting boundaries and stuff. This future conversation is also when I was planning to tell him about this pressure I feel, so we could move forward.) But again, I just reiterated that I was currently not ready, and I said let’s talk about it again after the new year. (After winter break)

Now, this is the last week before winter break. He told me his roommates are going to be leaving earlier this week, which means that he’ll be in his dorm by himself. We made plans to have a movie night this Wednesday in his dorm, which will be just the two of us. I made a joke about how it’s “convenient” his roommates will be gone for our movie night. I’m worried I might have sent the wrong signal here. I am totally comfortable staying the night, and would be really happy if we could just have a sleepover/cuddling (and maybe some making out which I enjoy) but worried he has other expectations.

So, sorry about that whole long rant! I guess I’m just wondering what I should do to ease my nerves about this situation before Wednesday, because I love my boyfriend, and I don’t want this worry to get in my way of enjoying my time with him or our potential physical affection. Thank you so much!

[Jacob]

Hey Mitzi!!

Welcome! I think it's good you guys communicated about this early on. What it could be good to ask yourself now is how you can keep up that kind of clear communication, as you can tell from this situation, signals probably aren't going to cut it.

Do you think a shift in perspective might help a little? It sounds like the idea of having your different needs competing with each-other is causing some amount of stress, so how about we think of it as more of a collaboration?

It's actually pretty rare that we're ever on the exact timeline with someone else, whether that's around feeling ready for sex or any other activity. It wouldn't be very fair to blame anyone for those differences, but we are responsible for how we navigate and negotiate them.

You might have separate needs, wants and feelings around readiness, but the overlap between those things are what your relationship is actually made of, and both of you are in the process of trying to learn what your relationship is ready for, which requires a lot of listening to each-others words and each-others bodies. Both of you are getting to know this new thing which neither of you have all the answers to.

So how about before you get there, or when you get there, you check-in with him firstly about what you're both still understanding about what's on the table, and secondly talking more about how you want to communicate, including what for you is or isn't a signal (I'd suggest sticking to clear verbal communication for now) and maybe clarifying a bit more to each-other about what you each mean by "sex", as it sounds like you aren't clear on that just yet.

Do you feel like you could have that conversation?

[Mitzi!!]

Dear Jacob,

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response! That is exactly the kind of conversation I want to have. I’m just not sure when is the right time to do it…especially with Wednesday coming up, I’m worried our movie night is a gray area and he is also confused/questioning what might/might not happen. I am wondering when to introduce this conversation (we’re likely not going to see each other before Wednesday as it’s finals week for us!)

[Jacob]

I'd try and have the conversation today then.

I'm a big fan of the "Hey can I talk to you about something?" to set the tone and also starting with the kind of open communication and checking consent which you want to move forward with.

Speaking of which, maybe you could give this a quick read before your conversation, it might help you get a better idea of what a good consent practice might look like:

Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

I also think this could be great if you wanted to talk more about readiness in general, and what sort of things come into feeling and being ready:

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

[Mitzi!!]

Thank you so much for those two articles, that gives me really good vocabulary for talking about the stuff I want to talk about!

As I said I don’t think we’ll be able to see each other before Wednesday as it’s finals week and we both have a lot on our plate, so if I talked to him it would probably have to be on Wednesday. (Unless I called or texted him) Do you think it would be weird to take time out when we’re at his dorm/over dinner to talk about it? Ugh, I’m worried it would feel awkward to bring it up out of the blue before our movie night, but I do think this is important!

[CaitlinEve]

I don't think it would be weird to take time out when you're together to talk about it! But ultimately it's up to you and your comfort level; if it doesn't feel like the 'right' time to have that talk, it's okay to delay it for a better time. That being said, if it's important to you then it's important in general and sometimes important things are awkward!

[Jacob]

I'm so happy that we've helped by imparted some useful vocab in those articles!

I'm adding a +1 for talking it over during dinner, or taking time out from whatever you're doing. Especially when the dynamics you've been concerned about are so close.

I also think it's going to be great practice for making it a lot less uncomfortable for you to talk about sex. I can't guarantee that he won't be a little awkward - but if so that'll be an area he'll need to work on too. Good luck!