I didn’t feel anything during sex

[Rosy10]

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for three years, and we finally met in person. On our first day together, we started with some foreplay, but when he tried to get more intimate, I just didn’t feel aroused. I told him, but he thought it was because it was my first time, which made me feel scared.
After a few days, we attempted to have sex. It took some time, and we finally managed it, but even then, I still felt nothing during the act. I love being close to him and find him very attractive, yet when we’re intimate, I felt no pleasure at all.
For the next few days, we were physically together, but I was constantly worried about not feeling aroused rather than just being in the moment. I’m back home now, and this whole experience has been weighing heavily on my mind. I really care about him and want to have that connection, but I’m confused about why it hasn’t felt right. Has anyone else dealt with something similar? I’d really appreciate any advice.

[Sofi]

Hi Rosy10, welcome to the boards!

I wanna start off by telling you how incredibly normal it is for people to have a similar experience when they first start having sex of any kind. It also happens to women a lot more - this is not to say women can't or don't enjoy sex,
it's more because the kind of sex that is seen in sexual media is usually male-centered (as in, for the man's pleasure). For many women, figuring out what we actually like can take some trial and error, so it's normal for the first few times to be lackluster, especially if our partner doesn't take the time to learn what we like.

How to figure out what you like, both individually and as a couple, can look a lot of ways. A good place to start is having an open conversation about what you're interested in trying and what you're not/any boundaries you have. For example, not everyone enjoys insertion as part of sex; or some people enjoy clitoral stimulation a lot while some don't as much due to sensitivity. There's a thousand different ways to go about being sexually intimate, so discussing and experimenting with every new partner is important (no matter how previously experienced they are - again, everyone likes different things!)

Regarding the lack of arousal, remember that our largest sex organ is our brain. When we're in our head about the situation/person, it can be hard to get "in the mood" and actually relax enough to enjoy sex. I see you say you care about him and want him to have that connection - what about you? Do YOU want this too? This is about both of you, again- individually AND together. You should never feel like you have to do something you're not ready for or comfortable with for your partner's sake, because not only is that unfair to yourself, but also to him since I'm sure he wants you to be comfortable and ready.

I know I've said a lot, so I'll pause there and let you digest it. Let me know your thoughts about this so far and if you have any specific questions

[Rosy10]

It’s not like I am not ready. I really want to have that connection with him. I wanna experience that feelings with him but due to that incident I am really stressed out. I don’t know when will we meet again so now I am wondering how to figure out what is wrong with me or what should I do.

[Ro S]

Hey there Rosy10,

I'm sorry to hear that this has brought up concerns about your relationship and connection with your partner. I want to start off by saying that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you because you didn't find sex pleasurable in this circumstance. As Sofi mentioned, you're not alone in this experience and in fact, many couples experience this even if they've been together for a long time.

I understand that you're feeling overwhelmed too by the fact you two won't meet up again for a bit and this situation feels unresolved. You mentioned this was your first time having sex. Prior to having sex with your partner this time, had you engaged in any kind of sexual activity with yourself or him (through the phone/text) before? If this is kind of new territory for you, it might be important to acknowledge that maybe you're just getting used to understanding what you find pleasurable and good in your body. Maybe this isn't about your connection with your partner or lack thereof but more about finding out what feels good for you, both when you're alone and when you're in partnership. Does this make sense?