Why am I not turned on by men in person?

[runnergirl137]

Hi,
I'm 19 and I previously had a boyfriend for a little over a year. I've recently been worrying a lot about the fact that I never felt turned on when I was with him, and when I was with a new guy recently I actually tried to avoid doing anything past kissing because I was scared that I would also not be turned on by him. With my ex, we would kiss, give/receive oral, and he would also try rubbing my clit sometimes. However, I never actually felt turned on and the stimulation would end up feeling uncomfortable or I would get bored so I'd make him stop. Before I got with my ex I definitely felt turned on when fantasizing about him, but once I was actually physically with him I didn't feel anything.

I guess I was a bit of a late bloomer because I didn't actually learn how to masturbate by myself until after we broke up, so during our relationship I didn't really know what to tell my boyfriend to do differently. Since then I've definitely been able to get turned on and finish when fantasizing about other guys, so I thought things would be better when I was with a new guy, but when we were making out I still didn't feel turned on at all. It makes me so sad that I can't seem have a fulfilling relationship by being able to feel aroused by what we're doing.

I think my problem might just be that I'm not really mentally turned on and concentrated in the moment, but just to put it all out there I do also have Sexual Orientation OCD where I've obsessed over whether or not I'm straight for several years (before I was even with my ex). I'm pretty sure I'm straight since I'm attracted to men at least mentally and I'm pretty sure I'm not attracted to women, but I keep obsessing over whether this might all mean that I'm just not attracted to men in person and therefore I'm not straight. Basically I'm worried that I made up the fact that I have OCD and that I'm just in denial and I'm actually not straight because I'm not turned on by men when actually doing stuff. I just hope that's not the answer but I would love to get someone's opinion.

[KierC]

Hey there runnergirl137, and welcome to the boards

I’m sorry to hear this has been causing you such worry! It sounds like the worry that you’ll not feel as aroused by men in person made you a bit hesitant to escalate sexual activity with this new guy. I want to say immediately: if you don’t want to escalate sexual activity for any reason, that’s totally okay. But I hear you that you maybe were concerned about not feeling aroused, am I understanding you correctly there? If so, would you like to talk a bit about why you were worried you wouldn’t feel aroused? What would happen if you didn’t?

I know it can feel confusing and sometimes worrying when you feel aroused by a fantasy, and then when it happens in person you don’t feel aroused. And I hear you that, with having sexual orientation OCD, not having that reaction in person can make you concerned about what that means for your sexuality. I’ll say, though, there are so many factors that play into how sexual activity feels, and sexual orientation is just one of many factors. So, I know it’s extremely tempting, but it might be helpful to know that when you don’t feel aroused by a male partner in person, it’s not an immediate signal that you’re not straight or that it’s *because* you’re just not attracted to men. There could be environmental or social factors, or some context behind the interaction that makes things feel a bit dull that have nothing to do with your partner’s gender. For example, you mention that you’ve been really worried about not being straight, and that worry can certainly come into play during sexual interactions. All that’s to say, it’s entirely possible that not feeling arousal is a bit more complex than just a signal to sexual orientation. How does all of that land with you?

I want to say, too, sexual orientation is never so easy to pin down as we may want it to be. It’s one of those squishy complex things that’s hard to look at and say, “yes, I’m 100% straight” or “yes, I’m 100% this way or that way.” Some folks can do that, but it’s okay and quite common to be attracted to different folks in different contexts, and to identify however makes *you* comfortable, whether that’s straight, or bi, or pan, or fluid or questioning. There’s so much space for the nuance you’re experiencing, too, and even if you end up wanting to use words other than “straight” to describe your identity, that’s okay. It’s also okay to take time to figure out what words you like to use to identify yourself, if any.

I’m going to stop there for now, but how does that all land with you so far?