I feel so confused

[TaylorJames]

Hey Scarleteen,

I had coffee with a friend earlier and we chatted about sex and sexual relationships and sexuality..
I have some desires and i want to talk about them but I feel weird saying them out loud so I have always felt safe here and have always felt listened to and understood..

I am lesbian though I prefer the word gay. I was married to a man many years ago and then left him for a woman.. I got divorced from her this year but had a relationship with a woman during the divorce.. the sex was mind-blowing but she was married and I broke it off after a couple of months. In these few months I realised some things about my sexual desires which confuses me a bit ..
I crave someone over me on top of me, I crave the weight of someone on me and at the same time in me .. I love the sensation of being penetrated but also someone over me.. I loved the sight of my girlfriend over me her naked body, I also loved the sight of my wife over me I love the sight of the female body.. it's the most beautiful thing in the world to me.. what I missed was the penetration at the same time.. that's why I wanted to have sex with a strap on so badly.. we never got to it and I still don't own one but I fantasize about it all the time..
Maybe it's the weight of someone on me is like a deep pressure like a massage..
I want it so much.. is that weird?

I want it to be a woman though.. I have come to terms that I prefer women.. I remember I preferred my ex husband to fuck me from behind and I could never understand why.. cause I loved having my ex wife and girlfriend over me but they were beautiful to me.. I loved their Bodies.. it was so gorgeous for me.. and when they were orgasming they were even more beautiful..

As what a man isn't beautiful to me in actual fact I am replused everything just puts me off..

I want to have sex for hours on end that's also one of the reasons why I prefer woman. I was just never satisfied when I was with a man .. it was over so quickly and then I watched porn and masturbated and then I felt bad and wrong and fucked up..
Is that weird or is it normal.. I was talking to colleagues and they were telling me that their men last so much longer that they sometimes wish they would just end.. as I have never experienced a man like that.. and I was so sad that day after that conversation. I felt that I have been robbed and lied to.. I have always believed that men just don't last..

Sometimes I would say the phrase I should fuck it out of you like rough sex beats you into submission.. I don't know if that is wrong or weird or not loving..
I let my ex husband fuck me..
I wanted my girlfriend to fuck me quiet like a 50 shades of grey violent vibe. . My ex-wife was very gentle in bed though.. she never did, I wanted her to do it but she was so gentle and loving.. it confused me..
And now I worry that violence have been a turn on for me.. that really worries me..

I struggled to lubricate with both my ex husband and wife.. I really struggled to orgasm with both of them two but for different reasons..
My ex husband it was too quick.. my ex-wife fucked with me psychologically which left me fearful and then I struggled to orgasm I struggled to focus on her..

With my girlfriend I could just think of her and I orgasmed.. I felt safe with her and I lubricated easily.. I was also so wet and so turned on.. just still thinking of her turns me on.. talking about her turns me on.. we have broken contact but I miss her so much..

I don't know how long a man should last if it is healthy.. my ex husband never lasted long.. I realise now that he watched porn probably and maybe that's why he came quite quickly.. I would encourage him to jerk off before and then have sex with me afterwards so he lasts longer.. I wanted sex more than he did I think.. I felt like he had more power than me.. I felt helpless and I felt wrong.. I knew that I didn't find him so attractive even though he was a very attractive man.. I always longed for female touch..

He used to get so angry and upset with other stuff and then he would fuck me till he felt better.. I never felt nice after and it left me just unsatisfied and horny and lonely.. but I thought it helped him so I just let it..
We did have sex sometimes when it was good and I felt seen and wanted..
I was sexually assaulted a few years ago in a house robbery, when the men assaulted me all I kept saying to myself was that I have been through this before.. only a few weeks ago did I realise that, that wasn't normal that I viewed sex with my exhusband in the same light as men who broke into our house and wanted to assault me... Since I realised this I have been disturbed and so bothered and worry by it.. I've felt physically ill and really feel depressed..

I am fearful of a man though.. I don't long for a man .. but I do want the penetration.. at times I obsessed over having sex with a strap on.. I googled it daily and googled different strap ons and porn with a strap on..

Why am I so obsessed with it.. this needs to have sex with a strap on but not with a man confuses me so much..

I thought I would reach out on Scarleteen and hear what you guys think of this whole thing ..

Maybe you can give me a different view or some different insights into my needs and desires..