Not quite sure about myself anymore.

[-tragic@rtist-]

Hi! This is my first post here, so I hope I’m doing it right!

(I identify as female, for further reference)

I’ve been feeling really confused about my sexuality recently. I had never had a crush, or even found people attractive at all, so I just figured I was aro/ace until I got to high school. I met this girl, and we got really close. I started feeling really fluttery and weird when I was with her, and I even started taking up art so I could draw her, because I thought she looked pretty.

I thought this was how you were supposed to feel with really good friends because I’ve never really had any, but now I’m not sure. A couple months she said she thought she liked me, but because I was aro/ace she wouldn’t push it. Ever since then she’s been a bit distant and I’ve been crying every night because I don’t want to lose her, but I feel so confused.

If I really do like her, what does that make me now? I’m new to LGBTQ+ topics as my parents are strict Christians and I had to find out everything I know now on my own.

I apologize if this is a bit disorganized. I got a little bit emotional writing this, and I’ve never really been able to say how I felt, in real life or otherwise.

Thank you for reading!

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards! Don't worry about things like how organized your posts here are: this is about help for you, not about completing an assignment. We can always ask for clarity anywhere we need it.

So, ultimately, I don't think that any of the ways we feel about any one person or group of people "makes" us anything. It's ultimately up to us if and how we want to identify ourselves when it comes to our attractions, interactions and relationships. Too, how we feel about any one person generally isn't going to be a good indication of how we feel about groups (like genders) made of millions or even billions of people, so I don't think that looking to our feelings about one person only is a sound way to identify our larger sexual identities, if that is something we want to do. Our sexual identity is generally something that's about all of our feelings and experiences in the past and in the present, and then how and if we want to categorize that. But that isn't required, and it certainly is something that, if we seek out, is positive for us, not something that makes us feel scared or bad, you know?

I think that first, what sounds the most important here to me is that you have a relationship -- and you don't need to know what kind it is if that doesn't feel clear to you -- that you value with a person you value, and you are worried about losing that person or relationship. How about reconnecting and asking to talk with this person to just make clear that you value your relationship with her, and her, and that you are worried something is coming between you?

If you like, we can talk about how you might want to respond if, in that conversation, she says that she likes you in a sexual or romantic way, too.

[-tragic@rtist-]

Hi! Sorry about the late response, the holidays are really hectic for me!

You made a really good point about sexuality and labels. I have been trying to fit all of my experience into a box, and you’re right. It’s causing a lot more problems than it’s fixing. I don’t really want to define myself yet anyway.

That being said, I’m not sure how to bring this up with her. I tend to be rather staunch in my positions, so rolling my aro/ace status back around her might be a bit hard to do. Any additional advice?

[Andy]

Hi!
Don’t worry about when you respond, like Heather said, this is not an assignment with a deadline. You can always take the time you need to respond and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

I’m glad to hear that Heather’s words resonated with you. If there is something that you want to talk about more or want us to elaborate on, let us know.

I don’t think you have to give up the words you use to describe your sexual identity just now, if that doesn’t feel right. Instead of trying to comprehend the whole big picture of your possible sexual identity, it might be easier to focus on the current relationship and the things you want or don’t want it to include. You can start by thinking (and maybe later talking with her) about questions like:

• Do I want to go on a date with her?
• Do I want to hug her more often?
• Do I want to hold her hand?
• Do I want to see her more often?
• Do I want to get to know her better?
• etc.

As for how to approach the first conversation Heather suggested, I think something like this might be a way to initiate it:
"Hi *name*, I’ve been feeling we are getting distant lately and I’m worried something might be coming between us, so I would like to talk with you about our relationship and what it means to me. Would you be available to meet up/schedule a call/text on *specific date and time*?"

How does that sound?