Is my boyfriend maybe a little too obsessive?

[Angelz]

Hey!

I’m a 13 male and I’ve been in an online relationship with a guy. (so now I can answer this question from the other post, I’m bi!)

I really love him and he’s nice but he sometimes mentions that he doesn’t know what he would do if I leave him like his previous partners.

Especially today, I talked about my confusion with my gender and I started going into a dark subjects and sometimes thinking about a bad thing.. He then said that he would never want to lose me, and I said I didn’t want to die. (which is fine, but that’s not all..)

I talked about the possibility of maybe a breaking up in the future, and that it sometimes happens, but he said that he didn’t know what he would do if I left him one day..

That makes me kinda uncomfortable because if I were to break up with him one day, how would react..?

Anyways, that’s not happening soon because I love him and he’s brings me joy! I’m kinda feeling like an a-hole for thinking like that and just feel like a bad person overall..

Is this normal..?

(also is it normal that I think that I’m doing this for attention or exaggerating by thinking of giving up?)

[Sofi]

Hi Angelz! You are definitely NOT a bad person for thinking about this - if anything you are being responsible, thoughtful and caring. Of course it would worry you how he'd react if that ever happened based on what he said. To be honest, it isn't cool to say stuff like that to our partners. That sort of 'guilt trip' is almost like a threat, and it isn't fair to do that to our partner, because it's manipulative. I'm not sure if he said more than just "I don't know what I would do" and perhaps he didn't really mean anything beyond "I'd be really sad", but if he DID say more along the lines of "I'd hurt myself if you left me", that is not okay.
Also, is he around your same age? This is helpful context here.

I don't think any of this is normal or not - "normal" is very subjective and we don't really subscribe to the idea that anything is normal or abnormal; but I want to ask more about this concern that you're doing this for attention. Do you mean you think you're exaggerating what he said or how he might react? It sounds like you're just genuinely concerned, but I want to make sure we have the full picture here.

[Angelz]

Hey Sofi!

Well he isn’t really around my age, but we don’t plan doing anything too far if we meet before I reach the age of consent.

I always feel like I exaggerate on what I say cuz my friends told me that once and it has been stuck in my head still. I might be exaggerating how he might react, but I don’t really know.

Thank you for not telling me I was a bad person. I wasn’t sure but I’m happy I wasn’t one. I’ve slept a little since this happened and I feel kinda better, and I’m not really thinking of giving up on everything anymore, for now at least..

EDIT: He also said, after I slept, that he was sorry if he made me uncomfortable or forced, so maybe he recognized his mistake?

[Angelz]

Hey!

I forgot to say it but he’s 16

[Heather]

I think it's a good sign that he apologized, and I'd also treat that as an opening to talk about this a little more.

I will say this: it takes a good deal of emotional maturity to be able to be in relationship with someone, and to have big feelings, and think calmly about when we might not be with that person or with them the same way. I feel like anyone in their teens not having that kind of maturity yet is pretty common, even though I agree that ideally no one is saying desperate things about it. But in high-stakes conversations, people say things sometimes they wouldn't otherwise. It happens.

Perhaps the next time you two talk, you can ask to talk more about this conversation? I'd suggest telling him that hearing what he said did make you uncomfortable, and asking to talk more about that, but I think you might also want to acknowledge that what you said also obviously made him feel some kind of way and to give him some time to talk about his feelings, too. Maybe you both can land on a place with talk about the future you agree is more comfortable for both of you?

[Angelz]

Hey Heather!

So we both apologized and made up because we both made each other uncomfortable..

I think you’re right about the fact that people could say things they didn’t want to in the moment. The conversation was already pretty negative, cuz I said that I thought about giving up, and that made him really sad, which probably caused this reaction.

We will probably talk again about that conversation. I already told him that it made me uncomfortable and he did too. I think for now the best future we could think about is being together until death separates us, but I’m still ready if there were any break up or anything like that..

Thank you for your answer tho! It helped a lot :3

[Heather]

Again, you're both so young. No one knows how to have these conversations with someone else automatically, it's stuff we learn by experience over many years. Honestly, it sounds like you both have actually done really well with it! I have some memories of similar relationship conversations with people when I was in college where none of us handled this as well as it sounds like the two of you have together.

I will say this: I don't think it's such a great idea to think about that you will be with someone you haven't even met in person yet until death. That's just not realistic: our early romantic relationships, realistically, even when long distance (which can tend to extend things) often won't go on as that kind of relationship for more than a few weeks, months, or years, at best. People just generally are not spending their whole lives with people they had very early romantic relationships with.

My best advice is not to focus on the end of things or how long you might be together at all. Instead, I'd put your focus and energy on the present, while you're together now. <3

[Angelz]

Hello!

I think you’re right! I should focus on the present and enjoy our relationship :3

Thank you for the answer!