Figuring out masturbation

[TortoiseJump]

Hi, sorry if this is the wrong place to ask this or if it is innapropriate. If it is please delete. So I live with my mum and brother who is a bit younger. Growing up I havent really been told anything about masterbation or had any talks with my mum about puberty or anything really, besides a bit about periods which was also taught at school. I have only thought about wanting to try it recently and Waning to do it has gone up a lot. But the thing is I have a sense of guilt about it and I dont know why. Also, I dont really know ‘how’ to do it if that makes sense? I just feel out of my depth and frustrated

[Jacob]

Hi TortoiseJump, and welcome, it's great to have you here!

I think if it hasn't been spoken about in your family that can be a big hint that something is considered "bad" - often when you're too young to even remember adults in those kinds of households might say "don't put your hands there it's dirty" or whatever negative thing that can sink into how you feel about masturbation. Things like that could be a big part of why you're feeling guilt.

In terms of the "how" it's really different from person to person, so I can't say anything on that, but maybe a good place to start would be to do some reading about pleasure! Do you want to start here: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body and let us know how you get on?

[TortoiseJump]

Thanks I checked out the link and thought it was interesting. I still just feel frustrated snd upset though

[KierC]

Hi TortoiseJump,

I’m sorry to hear you’re still feeling upset. Can you say a little about what sort of support might help you right now? Would it help to have some more resources or articles about masturbation and pleasure, or would you like to talk a bit about the upset feelings?

[TortoiseJump]

Hi thanks. Im honestly not 100 percent sure why I am. I guess Ive just never spoke to anyone about it before and then I feel like I dont really know how to do things or how things work. Ive never spoken to any of my friends about it and Id be too scared to anyway because I feel like its embarrassing

[KierC]

It’s okay if you’re not totally sure where the upset feeling comes from. I can surely appreciate feeling frustrated and upset when you’re developing a desire to explore masturbation, or talk about/learn about it, when it’s not something the folks around you talk about. Perhaps it would help to read a little more about masturbation, or others topics you’re having questions about?

If that sounds helpful, I want to start by sending you these two articles. The first one is a good introduction to masturbation, including why people do it, the many ways they do it, and includes some helpful language surrounding shame/nervousness surrounding masturbation. The second one dives a little more into the question of “is masturbation okay?” — I think that might be another good introduction if you’ve grown up not talking about sex in the household much.

1. Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation
2. Is Masturbation Okay? Yep!

Do you have any initial reactions to those articles, or any questions that might’ve popped up as you read them?

[TortoiseJump]

Thank you for the articles I read them and they were useful in making me feel less worried about it and stuff like that. Im sorry if I sounded moody before I dont mean to be. I think what helps to know most is that lots of people masturbate because I think thats one of my problems is that I just assume nobody does in my head. Im not sure if you are a guy or a girl and I didnt want to assume but is there a normal age for when you start? I guess it might be a bit different between male and females.

I am really curious about trying to masturbate but I think I have realised I dont like my down below which probably affects me a bit. Where is it best to try it? Do other girls usually just use toys because I dont have any

[KierC]

Don’t worry, you’re allowed to feel how you feel, and I don’t think you sound moody. I think you’re looking for answers and feeling frustrated about it, which I can appreciate. I’m glad the articles helped you feel a bit better, though! It can really help sometimes to hear that masturbation is normal and healthy, and that many folks do masturbate regardless of how they identify or what genitals they have.

So, there’s not a “normal” age to begin masturbating — with that, there’s also not an “abnormal” age to start, either. It really varies person-by-person, but it is also normal for people to discover masturbation when they are younger. There’s also not really a difference in when folks start masturbating based on what genitals they have. Having certain genitals doesn’t tell us anything about how a person experiences their sexuality, when they start to masturbate, or how often they masturbate. Know what I mean?

I also hear you that you don’t like your genitals. Do you want to talk a bit about what that is like for you, or how you feel? There’s certainly plenty of ways to masturbate that don’t involve genitals, or that involve the genitals without directly touching or looking at them (with a pillow or blanket, for example). People can experience good, pleasureful feelings in different areas of the body, too. These good-feeling areas are called “erogenous zones,” and it’s basically any part that feels good for you, and it doesn’t have to be genitals. It’s very individualized, so what feels good for one person might not feel great for the next person, but it’s possible to find out if there’s certain areas that feel good by trying different areas, and seeing how you feel. Remember, there’s really no “wrong” way to masturbate. It’s about you feeling good with yourself, so whatever feels good, is good!

[TortoiseJump]

Thank you for understanding.

I think I was curious about normal ages just because I wasnt sure if there was one but that does make sense. Half of me was worried I was too young to do this and then half of me felt maybe everyone starts way younger than me lol. Sorry if this is a rude question but do you masturbate and if so why do you like it? I get that everyone is different I guess Im just looking to understand and connect with someone

I guess for me my genitals are and sorry for the tmi but my vulva sticks out a lot if that makes sense? Like hangs out and I can see it. I have only seen one other person naked and it was my friend and hers looked nothing like mine

[KierC]

You’re welcome! To note, too, vulvas can look very different person-to-person, and that variation is normal. Some folks have more of a pronounced labia, some have a smaller labia, and so on. There’s a *lot* of variability in what labia, and the vulva, can look like. You can read more about that, and other parts of sexual anatomy, here: Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus, and More!

I’ll speak more generally here, but just as there’s a lot of different ways folks masturbate, there’s also a lot of reasons why folks enjoy masturbation. For many, the physical feeling of pleasure is an enjoyable aspect of masturbation. For many, too, it can be enjoyable because it helps you learn about what sort of touches you enjoy. It can also be stress-relieving. Some folks also enjoy it as a welcome time to just feel good alone! Does that help clarify a bit?