struggling to finish

[k__]

i am 15f, and have a weird relationship with sex as a whole. i dealt with a pretty bad porn addiction when i was little (unrestricted internet access can do that to you) and as a result im pretty sexually repressed. i mostly got over it, now only reading smut in much smaller quantities, but i find that i still can’t orgasm or even properly masturbate. i have done so much research, but it feels like i can’t ever do it right. apparently both my anxiety and depression meds can make me unable to reach a climax, but my older sister who takes these same medications hasn’t had this issue. is there something wrong with me? my family is pretty open about this subject, my mom even bought me a vibrator just in case i needed one (i told her i didn’t originally, another repression thing i guess) and none of them mentioned it being hard for them, two of my sisters even do it every day. i don’t understand what i’m doing wrong. i tried to use my vibrator, but when i had it too close i kept flinching away, and when i put other layers between it i didn’t feel pleasure at all. eventually i just gave up after not finishing. all i ever get is a feeling in my stomach like i have to pee. what do i do?

[Jacob]

Hi k__!

I'm interested by what you mean by a porn addiction, and what you mean by repressed?

It can be pretty common to have a phase of sexual exploration that is based on curiosity, and internal boundary pushing, and then to have different interests later on, where you almost have to rediscover what works for you a few years later.

It sounds like something like that happened for you and for you it feels related to the first period of time?

We can't unpick for you what exactly is a medication side effect, and what may just be you slowly learning your body again, as that will be unique to you but I can absolutely say there's nothing wrong with you for having these struggles!

[k__]

i was watching it for long periods of time daily, it was all i thought about and reached a point that i had to quit it like an actual addiction because i had withdrawals. by repressed i mean that i find it really hard to talk about sex in any serious way, everything has to be a joke or i feel gross. it’s hard to describe, i just find myself distancing myself from anything sexual that specifically involves me. i just feel weird when it’s about myself. i know that masturbation can have so many benefits for my health but i cant get myself to do it and when i do it feels wrong. it feels like never reach anything, i just get turned on and have to wait for the feeling to go away.

[Jacob]

I see!

Just to clarify for you: Physiological speaking there isn't any withdrawal that the body experiences due to stopping watching porn, however if it's something that was holding a lot of your attention and was maybe distracting you from underlying sources of stress, removing that activity would very likely feel bad, even really really bad, and emotions are often things we feel in our bodies, including nausea and even physical pain but I can assure you that's not the same as withdrawal.

Withdrawal is something that starts in the body and happens when someone tries to stop ingesting an addictive substance which can be very dangerous indeed. Often additional medication is needed to avoid the biggest dangers of withdrawal, and it can happen when somebody is mentally perfectly happy to stop taking that substance. I hope you can see that didn't happen to you.

As you say, there is nothing wrong with masturbation but if you're having this level of shame and gross-feeling around it, it makes perfect sense that you wouldn't be able to enjoy orgasm or be having difficulty!

It sounds like the negative feelings you've had around sex have gone on for a long time.

Have there been other things going on in your life in this time that have been causing you stress, either generally or in ways that you think might have affected your feelings around masturbation and sexuality?

[k__]

i totally see what you’re saying. honestly, i meant it in more of a hyperbolic way, if i was left alone with a device i would feel such strong urges that it felt like i really had to quit it like a real addiction. i probably should’ve made that clearer, lol

i don’t believe i have any stress is caused directly related to sex in general. my family is super sex positive, and i know a lot of my urges are normal, so i’m not sure what could be making me feel that way other than my past and some built up feelings that i pushed away, like im still trying to separate myself from everything sexual the same way i did then

another possible issue: i have very terrible anxiety, meds barely help and it takes over my brain a lot. i know that masturbation is supposed to help with stress, so i thought that it would relax me and let me sleep easier, but i think what might’ve happened is that the sheer amount of stress is enough to stop me. i don’t know if this helps at all, but i also have adhd, so i can’t focus very easily which could definitely be part of it. is that why i can’t do it? if so, what can i do?

[Jacob]

ADHD person over here too!

It sounds like the stress and anxiety could definitely factor in. The links between sexuality and our other sources of stress can be pretty hidden and murky. I'd definitely recommend exploring that and focusing more on things that improve your general well-being rather than lasering in on what sounds like a pretty common past relationship with porn.

FYI: The boards are now closed until tomorrow as we're taking a break today, but we'll be back!