I've mentioned before that I have trouble with social skills after many factors. I now strongly dislike having to socialize because I am awkward, don't know what to say, and my sentences just are barf from whatever my brain is thinking. I have to think for a long time about what I want to talk about with someone before I can even go and approach them because I do not want to seem awkward. My problems on campus are mostly social. a girl asked if we could walk together somewhere while I was getting ready and I said yes, not because I really wanted to, but because I thought I should practice my social skills and nothing horrible will probably happen. I take forever to get ready so when I heard her knock I said I was coming, opened the door, she wasn't there. Got ready finally, knocked on her door, she didn't answer after a few seconds so I ran off because I was already running late. I think she may think i have ditched her because she seems offput by me. few awkward interactions later, I decide to draw her something because I express myself through art and I put a few sticker sheets in the envelope I made saying I still wanted to be friends and then left it at her door. I haven't seen her since because I haven't been around my core group for a while and left my number for her to text me. she didn't.
another problem is my roommate, I went to this week-long overnight program with her which I will call the CBP that I didn't originally want to go to but my aunt pressured me into going. felt like a liar with my essay but got accepted anyway. the whole trip I was with them, but there was a problem. I was quiet and reserved. I would respond and joke if they talked to me, but that was it. i just enjoyed their presence in silence, nervous because of my social skills. I could tell they didn't like that I was so quiet and reserved and took that as a sign that I didn't like it there. I accepted most of my roommates requests to go places because I didn't want to come off as rude, except for times she offered to study outside which I denied because I didn't want to move and was being lazy, also the bugs. then two counselors came to me while I was in my room during free and study time and asked if I could come out and socialize, I was clear that I didn't want to go because I asked if it was required. I decided to go anyways because I didn't want to be rude, I ended up enjoying the socializing but I felt like I didn't have a choice in it so I still felt bad. one time they asked if they could go to target and I was excited so I said I wanted to come, they told people to raise their hands and I quickly did. I went to go change and pack to leave but when I got outside they left. I was obviously bummed out by this but decided they shouldn't come back to pick me up because that felt like doing too much and I was already bummed so I could just wait till this program was over to go home to go to target. but after that I felt pretty dejected that they just forgot me even though it felt like this was one of the first times I was excitedly asking to go somewhere with them (other times I was more just calm and netural about it, not excited, but not opposed either). then I saw this ladybug while we were taking pictures and I tried to make it go on my hand which people were annoyed by, one of the guys then proceeded to just randomly chuck the ladybug in an attempt to kill it which I was upset by. Saw the ladybug again later and was trying to find it a safe spot to stay but there was a person going to speak to us so I had to hurry. I really wanted the ladybug to be safe, but the head of the CBP was visibly and verbally annoyed. I then came back and made a comment about how I was rushed so I didn't get the ladybug there safely. felt bad about it after I said that because it felt shady and rude but I couldn't take it back. I liked the public speaker and she said that we would find ladybugs together some time else, or something along the lines of that which made me feel a bit better about my immaturity. I got the feeling that the head of the CBP didn't like me because our convos were awkward and she was nonverbally standoffish (even now that I encounter her later).
the problem is that I didn't really engage in the group chat they added me in, and I removed it because it was taking up a crap ton of space on my phone so I was annoyed. The boy that threw the ladybug, it was obvious to me that he did not like me. my roommate, at first I thought she was fine with me, but now I feel like she's just nice to me because she doesn't want to be rude. whenever I come to join the group the energy shifts or they just pass over what I am saying... which makes me not want to go. Also my roommate offers me to come to somewhere and when I say no I feel like I got to justify myself to her, not because she says anything, but because she makes nonverbal cues of disappointment or dislike. I feel like if I don't accept her invited then I am saying I don't like the group. I also feel like a fraud because I made that amazing essay that got me accepted but I don't want to spend time with others outside of scheduled activities and am reserved. everyone's extroverted and I am extremely introverted and a homebody.
doesn't help that while I was talking to her friend group one of the boys I was trying to talk to just turned his head in the middle of my sentence and turned his attention to another conversation. he also would avoid eye contact with me even when I initiated the conversation and would have that convo with someone right next to me. I don't think it's because he's socially awkward because he seemed normal with other people and even some random person he didn't meet or familiarize himself with enough. in fact, it's only been 3 days and he popped up in the friend group yesterday (to my knowledge) so most if not all people are unfamiliar to him. I think he just didn't like me or was uncomfortable with talking to me.
I'm sorry this was long but I need help. Am I reading too much into things by looking at nonverbal cues and sometimes avoidance? I feel like I am being rude by wanting time to myself outside of our colleges schedule and the CBP's schedule and not wanting to go to events when they are optional. How can I assert that I don't want to go to something without feeling guilty? is going out with people something I should be more open to? I also have this thing where I do not want to make friends because I do not want to be socially awkward or be asked to go places when I really just want free time. it's all so overstimulating.
