How do I know if my gf is comfortable having sex?

[AsexualFey]

Hello! First time poster here. For context, I am an asexual lesbian in my first relationship. I am fairly sex positive and interested in having sex, but I don’t know how to initiate it or even if my girlfriend would be into it? I’d simply ask, but I don’t want to make her uncomfortable or think that it’s something I need. I just want to make sure I’m giving her everything she wants out of the relationship. I do not need sex, I just have libido spikes sometimes. I can easily take care of those myself, this is very much a “does my girlfriend want this” type thing. She is absolutely amazing and would understand if I was not into it, I just want her to be happy and comfortable. I hope I’m wording this correctly, I haven’t done a post like this before, so sorry if it doesn’t make sense

[lilikoi]

No need to apologize! We are happy you're here with a great question. Welcome to the boards!

To get a better understanding of the situation, I am wondering, how much have you two spoken about your asexaulity? It's common for the first conversation about sex or desire to feel tricky but getting on the same page about physical intimacy is an important part of a healthy new relationship. What makes you worried that the topic of sex will make your gf uncomfortable?

[AsexualFey]

I guess we haven’t talked about it much? My asexuality isn’t a secret, but because I’ve never been in a sexual relationship, it’s never come up outside the general “coming out” conversation.
And it’s more like I don’t pick up on cues well? I do not know if she has had a sexual relationship(not that I would care either way) but I want to navigate it in a way where we are both comfortable and open with each other

[lilikoi]

Awesome! That context helps. I would say overall that nothing can be perfect so don't be too hard on yourself. Starting the conversation with the intention for both of your comfort is an important step. If you aim to listen and share vulnerably, hold your boundaries, and honor your girlfriend's boundaries, the conversation will be going in the right direction.

That being said, there's tons more content about this on our website! Let me link some articles here for you to peruse. If you see anything that gives you more specific questions about how you want to broach the topic, let us know!

• How do I talk to someone I want to sleep with about my asexuality?

• Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

• Quickies: Healthy Relationships

• Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience

[Heather]

Hey there!

I think it's probably clear from the context and links that lilikoi gave you, but just in case it isn't, the only way that anyone finds out what a partner wants or doesn't want clearly is by talking with each other about it. A lot of people feel uncomfortable doing that, and so instead guess without communication, or find out by just doing things and seeing how the people they are touching react, but that's just not at all a good way to do that when we are new to each other, or ahead of conversations and negotiations, because just doing things to each other without asking isn't consensual.

Sexual communication is also essential for folks to have actually good sex that everyone enjoys and feels good about. Sure, sometimes we get lucky and that can happen without much communication, but that's both rare and also will rarely stay good without a lot of communication.

If you need a tool to help guide these kinds of conversations, a Yes, No, Maybe list is often super helpful, and we have one here that's been very widely used over the years: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. <3