I just can't finish

[Jenschmii]

So, I discovered playing with myself by accident, and I am pretty sure at that time I may have even finished. but since when I try to get back there it does not seem to matter how long I rub myself or put fingers in I just cannot seem to finish again I am not sure what is wrong with me

[Sam W]

Hi Jenschmii,

When you try masturbating, would you say you're aroused and relaxed before you start? Are you engaged in a certain fantasy or piece of media? Or do you find you're bored or stressed while you're trying to masturbate?

[Jenschmii]

I would say I am usually relaxed and aroused before I start, but also maybe a little bored, or its just late enough at night. but after a while it does turn more into frustrated. there is no specific media I get engaged in when I do it though

[Sam W]

Got it. The reason I asked about all that is because our brains are our biggest sexual organs, so if they're not all that engaged in what's going on, masturbation isn't likely to feel all that exciting. Too, would you say you're getting a lot of pleasure out of masturbation and it's just the fact you aren't reaching orgasm that's bothering you? Or does the entire process feeling underwhelming or like it's not giving you that much pleasure.

I do want to add that since it sounds like this is something you've only started exploring recently, some of this may just be a matter of you still being in the process of learning what you enjoy and what feels good to your body, and as you experiment more you find the things that do bring you to orgasm or bring you a lot of pleasure.

[Jenschmii]

I am new at this, like I said the first time I do think I finished was a little by accident i was washing in the shower and hit my clitoris just right then went to my room and finished. since then when ever I get aroused, as long as its at a time I have privacy, I have tried to do it again. it feels really good all the way till I start to get frustrated, that is when I have tried to do different things like inside not just rubbing on the outside but it seems no matter what I just cannot get that same release I got the first time.

[Sam W]

That detail is all helpful, thank you!

My first suggestion is that, as much as you can, you try to focus on pleasure rather than on trying to reach orgasm. Frustration and pressure are big-time arousal killers, so when we add them into masturbation (or sex) they tend to make it less likely we'll feel pleasure or reach orgasm. So when we give ourselves the room to have masturbation just be about pleasure rather than a path to orgasm, we sometimes make it easier for both pleasure and orgasm to happen. Does that make sense?

Too, finding ways to get your brain more engaged in and aroused by what's going on is also a way to increase pleasure overall. I really like the steps this article suggests for learning how to do that: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

[Jenschmii]

Thank you will read the article and next time I try just enjoy it for what it is not focus on getting to finish again,

[Jenschmii]

so I took your advice, and started tonight just to be about the pleasure and enjoying it, I did google a few things the article suggested like sexual fantasies but none of them were really of interest to me I am not really into other people at this point. but i did like the closing your eyes suggestion and try to fantasize in my head a little bit, and it did feel amazing the whole time but it was seriously like an hour lol. now I will say my clitoris and my labia are feeling a bit sore I think my clit from the rubbing and the other part just being wet and exposed to the air for like an hour, and like I said while it was great I still did not actually reach orgasm and I know that wasn't the goal tonight so that is ok just seemed to be a long time like feeling right on the edge just to stop and wash my hands to get ready for bed lol

[Latha]

Hi there, Jenschmii- I'm responding because I'm on shift, I hope you don't mind.

Hmm, the soreness should go away on its own in some time. Keep exploring like this, and try to experiment a little with different kinds of sensations, positions, or fantasies. With time, you should get a better sense of what you like- this may make it easier to orgasm, and it may also help this take less time.

[Jenschmii]

Hello, Latha, I am ok with any help I can get, and yes it was not sore this morning when I woke up so that was good and I was feeling a lot better, less frustrated than i was yesterdays even though I still didn't orgasm last night. i never really have time during the week, can't just stay up all night most nights but will keep trying and exploring. thank you or all the help and advice.

[Heather]

Hi ther, Jenschmii.

I would strongly advise that you not approach any masturbation with the mindset of trying to reach orgasm. That's something called "spectatoring" -- this thing where people are sexual and are super focused on making orgasm happen -- and it's onle of the things most associated with not only NOT experierencing orgasm, but also with not even experiencing much pleasure. Orgasm -- and pleasure in general -- tend to occur when people are not goal or product focused, but instead, when folks are just relaxed, without a goal, and just doing what feels good and going with that flow.

Too, when things stop feeling good -- especially if you feel sore -- or you aren't into being sexual anymore, instead of trying to keep pushing on, that's when it's time to stop. Continuing to try and make yourself feel good when you just don't isn't a way to go if you want to actually enjoy yourself.

Long story short: you're trying too hard. Stop trying, accept that for right now in your life, orgasm probably isn't going to happen, and so if and when you want to masturbate, that motivation should just be to have whatever experience you have with it, without attachment to any given outcome, like orgasm. Make sense?

[Sthoughts2323]

Hello Jenschmii,

This is my first response on this site, so it won't be as long or as detailed. First thing to do is relax. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Slow down so you can explore what you like and don't like, with your body and with your content.

Explore different ideas and places you can relax yourself into and go from there. Again, slow down.

Hope this is helpful.

[Jenschmii]

Hi Heather, thank you for the advice, I think you are right I may be trying to hard I did think the idea was to reach a goal, and then when I went with no goal in mind I did go too long till I was sore, at least it was not lasting soreness. i did wake up this morning feeling really turned on so I did give it a try just relaxed with no real end goal in mind, it was very pleasurable all the way through and and I feel a lot more satisfied.

Thank you also sthoughts2323 while places are kind of limited for me, really just my room I don't even get a lot of time in the bathroom before someone else is knocking to use it lol. did try out some different positions like laying on my belly instead of my back, like I mentioned above it was enjoyed, i still don't think I orgasmed but since I was not focused on that I did feel I knew when to stop at least when the sensation was starting to get less.

[Heather]

Sounds like you're on the right path now!