I don’t feel normal for this

[Vamppyy]

I’m eighteen years old, and I still cannot properly masturbate. I feel so embarrassed. I might ramble on, but I would appreciate some advice.

I’ve tried to have sex multiple times, and it hurts too much, so I can’t make it past even the first push. And I’ve tried to masturbate via finger penetration, but It’s no good.

When one of my ex boyfriends fingered me, it wasn’t even pleasurable in the slightest either. I couldn’t cum, and I felt what could be described as a heartbeat down there after, and not in a good way. It was uncomfortable.

Regardless, it burns and stings, and I feel this intense pressure in my vagina when I as so much as put a finger in. I am worried I have one of those conditions that makes sex painful.

I bought a dildo online recently, and I’m hoping i can make it work when it arrives. It’s pretty small, 5.2 inches in length and 1.2 inches in width. Could I get some advice on how to make it feel good? In any way?

[KierC]

Hi there Vamppyy, and welcome to the boards

I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing pain with vaginal entry. I can’t say for sure why you’re having pain with vaginal entry, but there are a few things that can contribute to the feeling you’re describing. I hear your concern about the conditions that make sex painful; it’s true that vaginismus does present symptoms like intense pain during insertion — but other things can cause this too, like lack of lubrication (where adding lubricant could help), lack of arousal (where other kinds of sex apart from vaginal entry could help), not feeling so relaxed, and trying to insert too much at once. Does any of that sound like it could be related to what’s going on for you?

Vaginal entry is most comfortable when you’re relaxed and aroused first. Too, when folks experience pain with vaginal entry, it can help to start with something very shallow and small, like a finger before trying something bigger than that. Know what I mean? So, my advice would be to try with fingers and plenty of lube. I wanted to ask, too, do you incorporate any foreplay or warming up before attempting vaginal entry? If not, doing that by exploring other erogenous zones, including the clitoris, could be a way to make things feel a bit more pleasurable.

[KierC]

I wanted to ask as well: Are there any ways that you’re touching yourself that *do* feel good, that might be helpful to incorporate or try more, either before or alongside vaginal entry, or on its own?

[Heather]

I do also want to pitch in and add that there's no such things as "proper" masturbation. The way people masturbate varies a lot, and, when the people in question have vaginas, it's far less common for masturbation to be about -- or only or mostly about -- the vagina, and much more common for it to be focused on the external clitoris and the rest of the vulva.

For more about that, you can check out:
• Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body